Project Runway recap: Pins and Needles

”I am not ashamed to make a new outfit for WWE divas.”

Damn straight, brother. When the beast in spandex came knocking, you embraced it. You body-slammed it. You scissor-kicked it. And for that, you took the crown. Finally, Chris won a challenge — all by himself. Finally!

When Heidi announced Chris as the winner, the guy busted out an expression of such sweet, happy surprise that in a fit of uncontrollable joy, I tried (unsuccessfully) to high-five both of my cats. (My husband’s out of town, see. And my next option was hugging my TV. At least I went for the closest living creature.) Grinning from ear to ear, his eyes crinkling in delight, Chris said, ”Of course I end up winning the tackiest challenge.” It’s true — there was a karmic alignment between Project Runway‘s costume guru and the WWE challenge. At the same time, the judges easily could have pulled one of their illogical strokes of unfathomability and penalized him for being at a so-called advantage. I feared this would indeed be the case when Michael Kors noted that Chris didn’t have to go as far outside his comfort zone as the other designers. Thankfully, in the end, his black sparkly spandex boy shorts and green leopard hoodie — masterfully lined with matching sparkly spandex and finished with dramatic bell sleeves — blew his competitors out of the ring. He got props for making cheap dress-up materials look expensive (always a good thing on this show). And his diva model, Maria, is even going to wear the kick-ass ensemble in a future wrestling match. But here’s a question: Will she also adopt Chris’ suggested signature move and smother men with her large breasts?

I must say, I really dug this week’s challenge. Though not at first. When Tim led the designers to their date with hair-pulling, head-locking destiny, I felt my I hate product placement masquerading as tests of creativity! sensors going berserk. Especially after the gimmicky Hershey’s task and last episode’s Levi’s snorer. (By the way — I missed you all! Thanks to Kate Ward for stepping in for me while I was freezing my buns off at Sundance.) Furthermore, just how, exactly, would spandex and rhinestones and glittery (oh my!) constitute fashion? I’m not holding my breath that Bluefly.com will have much in the way of copycat merchandise this time.

That said, as soon as I saw the gang march off to the House of Spandex, I succumbed to the tacky fun of it all. Here was Chris, hunting down green leopard print! Here was Sweet P, picking out fabric so shiny the residents of Pluto had to shield their eyes from the glare! By the time Christian pushed up his elitist sleeves and dug right in, nothing could dull my buzz — not even Jillian’s egregious name-checking of ”Blockbuster Total Access.” (Which I’m sure she was instructed to mention.) For all Christian’s annoying self-aggrandizing, this week he proved he might not be such a snob after all. I ask you: Do snobs giddily try on chaps in front of their peers? I think not. The Heatherette dudes nailed it when they said his leather-and-lace getup was reminiscent of Prince and Vanity. Kristal loved it, and the judges loved it — just not enough to crown Christian the victor. Of course, when the rightful winner was announced, the Runwayeditors couldn’t resist sneaking in a requisite look of crushing disappointment from Mr. Fierce. (Speaking of which, our total season ”fierce” count is up to 18, not including Tim Gunn’s multiple uses of the word last night.)

Jillian also pulled off a successful look in a sporty blue and white outfit that reminded me of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders — porn-star edition. (Did you all see how much butt cheek her diva had hanging out?) Rami, on the other hand — well, we all should have known that the guy was in bad shape when he described the models as ”six athletic strong women.” What, he’s never heard of prom or female wrestlers? Somebody get this guy a cable subscription. Torrie Wilson might have claimed to like the fuchsia monstrosity that Rami whipped up for her, but all I could write on my notebook was ”ugh.” It was as if Victoria’s Secret had done a bedtime Barbie outfit for a late-night Skinemax special.

NEXT: Bad moves

One of the things I love about Sweet P week after week is that she’s totally open about freaking out and not knowing what the hell she’s doing all the time. (Well, that and calling Christian a ”skinny-armed twit” when she challenged him to an arm-wrestling duel. How on earth did he beat her?) Last night, she cracked me up when she said that what her diva, Candice Michelle, was wearing at the meet-and-greet scared the s— out of her. When Candice later proclaimed that she could buy what Sweet P made for her at ”the stripper store,” I felt for the biker babe. Not that I disagree with Candice’s assessment, mind you. (Or, for that matter, Christian’s remark that it was ”Tranny Ice Queen.”) But seeing as the curly-haired wrestler had described her style as ”classy sexpot, not whore sexpot,” I have a hard time faulting Sweet P for failing to meet the lady’s high level of taste. What she ended up sending down the runway wasn’t so bad, but it didn’t exactly scream WWE. It was more Frederick’s of Hollywood, thanks to a robe that, as Heidi so subtly put it, ”had. no. dramatic. impact.”

And now to Ricky, whose exit was foretold from the moment the episode began and his competitors waxed catty about how he had become the designer non grato. Even good-natured Chris seemed baffled that the guy had lasted this long. Ricky’s orange bathing suit was so lame that it barely warranted any screen time in the workroom. By the time he decided to throw on that inexplicable gold-lamé mini-muumuu, I knew his number was up. It’s gotta be rough, though, winning one week and losing the next — rough enough to make a grown man cry, right? But here’s the thing: He didn’t. Not a single tear! What the hell happened, Ricky? Did your dissatisfied diva, Layla El, kick every last tear out of your sorry ass once and for all?

And so, TV Watchers, we are down to five remaining competitors. It’s looking like a given that Christian and Jillian will be showing their collections at Bryant Park. I’d like to think that Chris and Sweet P have a shot at beating drippy-drapey Rami to the tents, but I’m not sure. I’m especially doubtful that Sweet P will pull through. I love her personality, but let’s be honest: She’s been hanging on by the skin of her teeth lately. In any case, I don’t have to wait too long to find out who will get to strut their stuff at Fashion Week. The Project Runway show is this Friday morning, which leads me to believe that all five designers might show, either as finalists or as decoys. Never fear, I shall report back Friday afternoon.

In the meantime, here are some other questions to ponder. Did you share my glee at the way Tim Gunn kept saying ”divas” all episode? As in ”Designers and divas, gather round!” and ”I’m sending your divas in for a fitting!” Did you enjoy seeing the judges have a ball last night, even if Michael Kors claimed he felt like ”the pope at a sex club”? And if you were a wrestler, what would your signature move be?