Chris Haston/NBC
TV Show
S4 E2
September 30, 2011 at 06:38 AM EDT


• “First of all, income tax is illegal!”

• “You won’t find any bank statements either. I’ve heavily invested in gold, which I’ve buried in several different locations around Pawnee. [To camera] Or have I?”

• “That is a gentleman’s agreement. I made that man a dining room in exchange for 60 feet of copper pipe and a half pig.” —Ron to April, when she showed him a picture of him shaking hands with another man

• “My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My mom’s name is Tamara. [Pauses, eyes close] She goes by Tammy.”

• “She’s no hero, April. She’s a hellacious nightmare. She did however teach me everything I know. Sunday school. Sex. She was my math teacher in middle school and my babysitter and she taught driver’s ed.”

• “Why do I only date brunettes? You know sometimes you eat chicken and you get food poisoning and then even the sight of chicken makes you sick? Tammy One is my blond chicken.”

• “Leslie, you goofball! Hey, Jer, humpday. Am I right, buddy?…. Science is a miracle. Anyhoo! Back to the old grindstone. These emails aren’t going to send themselves.”

• “It’s Swanson family mash liquor, made from the finest corn ever grown on American soil. Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speedboats.”

• “Leslie, don’t drink that! We use it to burn warts off of the mules.”

• “April, no! That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail.”

• “That’s decoy gold. You think I’d leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground where anyone could find it? You don’t know me at all.”


• “Grab your calculators, settle in. Operation Rescue Ron is starting. Don’t worry, I will think of a better name by tomorrow.” —Leslie

• “It’s almost too easy…. (Off Ben in the background saying, “I can hear you.”) I know you can, Ben. That’s how easy it is.” —Tom about his scheme to manipulate Ben into helping him

• “I would like you to write me a script and get it to me in a hour. And we should start thinking about wardrobe? Casual? Formal? Semi-formal? Sporty? Scary? Posh? Baby? Those are the Spice Girls. I just got caught up in my own thoughts. I’m very excited about this.” —Chris to Ann

• “Ben is that your real name? Oh, you could do better than that. I’m going to help you out right now. Your name is Angelo. Angelo, thank you so much for coming out, get a thicker tie, it looks weird on you, it makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I don’t know where the paperwork is but when you find it, can you take care of it for us? We don’t have any pens because we’re afraid it’s gonna leak on our shirts. Lastly I hate the name Angelo, I’m gonna switch it up for you right now. Your new nickname is…Jell-O Shot. What do you think about that, J Shot?” —Jean-Ralphio

• “I mean, I would guess they’ll be bankrupt by the end of…this sentence.” —Ben just before a a waiter appears with a tray of champagne.

• “Oh, you and Ron have a big meeting, huh? I’m sure Ron will remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a federal prison in Terre Haute.” —Tammy One to Leslie

• “She’s the cold distant mother I never had…I love her.” —April about Tammy One

• “When Ron falls for Tammy Two, he turns into a demonic sex maniac? But this? Neutered wimp? This is worse. Operation Golden Dove is in trouble. It’s a good name, right?” —Leslie to camera

• “In a sense, yes. But in another truer sense, no, it is not.” —Tammy One to Leslie, when she asks if Ron’s audit is real

• “Listen. Tammy One was my Sunday school teacher, too. She can pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word. And a jar of acid.” —Tammy Two to Leslie

So, what were your favorite jokes from the episode? Everybody pants now! And by pants, we mean, weigh in.


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