Well, the Judy/Cindy photo plan worked. The photo of the pair kissing made it out of the prison and onto the news (the TV chyron: “Judy Loves Chocolate”), and everyone is excited over how they’ll use the money from it, but Cindy (whose face is blurred out in the photo) realizes they maybe didn’t think this through. For one, they gave Judy King the perfect damage control for her racist puppet show problem. Second, the people in charge aren’t going to be happy about this.
Sure enough, Caputo isn’t pleased, and the two have to pretend their newfound love is real and they didn’t have anything to do with snapping or selling the photo. Piscatella, meanwhile, orders Luschek to do a sweep of the entire prison for cell phones to try and find the culprit — which actually is Luschek. Later in the episode, Piscatella wonders aloud how Luschek ended up at Litchfield instead of working somewhere like, say, Gamestop. That’s something a lot of other people are probably wondering, too.
Meanwhile, the COs are still stopping and frisking Maria and the Dominicans, just because they can, and Blanca is getting sick of it. But she finds a loophole: Because she smells from not showering, the guards won’t touch her. She shares this with the others, who discover they don’t have to actually skip showering, so long as they use other gross-smelling substances (sardine juice, hot sauce) to similar effect.
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The episode also flashes back to Blanca’s pre-prison story, showing her as a home health aid for a grumpy old woman who initially misread her name as Bianca and decided she liked that better and stuck with it. She strikes up a flirtation with the woman’s gardener, Dario (a.k.a. “Diablo”), but after sensing their chemistry, the woman fires him. She claims he distracted Blanca from her job and she would have regretted getting involved with him. Blanca retaliates by having sex — make that very loud sex — with Dario in the woman’s bedroom in the middle of the night. After that, she becomes too scared of Blanca to argue with her.
NEXT: Would you rather not take a shower or eat disgusting things?
In the present day at the prison, Blanca continues her no-shower protest, but Stratman can’t send her to SHU because the guards have gotten word it’s nearly full. They’ve been told to find other, “creative” means of punishment, so the guard decides to make her stand on a cafeteria table indefinitely instead — a challenge she is more than willing to take on. Looks like she could be up there for a while.
Blanca may have avoided SHU, but Sister Ingalls isn’t so lucky — and it’s a move of her own making. She decided to get herself sent down there in hopes of finding and helping Sophia Burset. Once she gets there, though, she sees exactly what she’s gotten herself into. She can’t even have her cross in there to comfort her.
Nicky has continued her downward spiral, which lands her in the shower and facing Red, who knows she stole from her to fuel her drug habit. Rather than getting angry, Red cries that she’s failed her and should have known she was in trouble. “I am not your fault,” Nicky tells her while promising that she’ll get clean.
Lots of other things happened around Litchfield this episode, too. Lorna asks her sister to check up on Vinny to see if he’s being unfaithful, then becomes wracked with jealousy thinking that something happened between them. Piper and Alex pine wistfully for a Shake Shack burger. Aleida asks Gloria to look after Daya once she gets out of prison. And Doggett tells Boo about Coates’ apology, which Boo objects to and threatens to end their friendship when Doggett considers forgiving him.
Finally, we got the most horrifying “Would You Rather?” that I’ve ever seen. After overhearing Maritza jokingly debate eating dead flies versus a live baby mouse, CO Humphrey — who had warned earlier that he knew something was going on with her and the van — drags her into an empty house where he’s laid out those exact things in the kitchen and tells her to choose. With a gun to her head. That sound you just heard is every OITNB watcher cringing.