Jack Rowand/ABC

Hook gets an(other) origin story, Henry plays with sharp objects... but nothing really matters until we finally get to The Kiss

April 30, 2015 at 08:41 PM EDT

First, let’s get one thing out of the way: It happened. Emma and Hook finally engaged in The Smooch That Broke the Internet, generating enough electricity to power an entire CGI castle. Their wuv may or may not be twue. It may actually be closer to wust than wuv. Either way, one thing’s for sure: It is hot. Hot enough to make a fire-breathing Maleficent blush. Hell, even hot enough to make me a lot less grumpy about an episode that indulged in one of TV’s most annoying habits: a plot centered on one character not telling another character crucial information, for absolutely no reason beyond artificially ratcheting up dramatic tension. Bad form, Hook!

Speaking of: Tonight’s fairyback revolves around the pirate himself, showing us a crucial episode from his two-handed days. Before he gained his hook or achieved the rank of captain, Emma’s future tonsil hockey goalee was known as Leftenant Killian Jones: an honorable navy man with a goofy bicorne hat and a love of rule-following. (Yes, I know “leftenant” is just the way British people pronounce “lieutenant;” it is also more fun to write than “lieutenant.”) Please pause to absorb the dramatic irony.

Young Killian has apparently joined the family business; his similarly handsome older brother Liam happens to be his commanding officer. The Joneses and their crew are setting sail for uncharted waters — specifically, those that surround Never Land, where they’ve been sent to retrieve a plant that supposedly has the power to heal any injury. Who has sent them on this mission? An unnamed king from an unknown realm. Their 18th century-style garb doesn’t exactly jibe with the same faux-medieval society that gave us Snow, Charming, Rumpel, and the rest, so it seems safe to say that the Brothers Jones aren’t originally from the Enchanted Forest. Then again, they manage to make their ship fly with a sail made from Pegasus’s feathers, so I guess anything’s possible.

Ahem. So Killian and Liam arrive on Neverish shores — suspiciously sunny Neverish ones, at that — where they’re promptly interrupted by Peter Pan. Smugly (I’m not sure why I bothered typing that; it’s always implied when Pan speaks), the ageless boy informs them that the plant they seek is actually deadly dreamshade. Killian is horrified to learn that all this time, their king’s been using them to harness and transport a magical WMD. Liam, however, pooh-poohs Pan and chides his brother for being so gullible. He’s like, two scoffs away from giving Killian a Hurtz Doughnut. Just to hammer home the fact that Killian’s a dumb dummy, Liam slices his arm up with a dreamshade thorn. See? It’s perfectly harmless! Then Liam promptly passes out. Finally, some vindication for younger siblings everywhere!

NEXT: Liam Everlasting?

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Everything you’ve ever read about fairy tales is true—the residents of Storybrooke are living proof.
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