It’s the end of the season and there are too many items still left on the apocalist, so let’s not waste any time. Carpe diem, folks!
Professor Fields is where we left her last week, in Sweet Tea’s apartment demanding he tells her everything he knows about the asteroid theory. She’s finally realized Xavier’s claims amount to a credible threat and needs to be brought up to speed. Let’s just say she’s a little surprised to discover the theory came from the guy with a “beard” and “lots of man jewelry.” Nonetheless, she’s taking it seriously and threatens Sweet Tea with jail time if he talks about it to anyone. She can’t risk the inevitable chaos and mass hysteria if the general public were to find out the truth. No one can know until there’s a plan in place — but first, she needs to know where Xavier is.
He’s in the back of his trailer being driven (against his will) by Jesse to meet with the head of NASA in Houston. They’ve reached eastern Oregon before Xavier wakes up from the dose of horse tranquilizers Jesse slipped him. He’s also pants-less — his muscles got a little too relaxed and he wet himself. The problem is his passport and phone were in his pocket, so now he has no way to get to Iceland or even call Evie and explain what’s happened.
Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, a cop rolls up and the cousins get arrested. They stopped the trailer in a dangerous place: Xavier has 85 unpaid parking tickets (end-of-the-world perks, remember?) and they’re in possession of horse tranquilizers. They end up in jail, where Xavier uses his one call to leave Evie a voicemail and Jesse uses his to have phone sex with his girlfriend — it’s okay, “phone sex from jail” was on his apocalist.
Meanwhile, Evie is having a much better time. She’s busy making friends with an attractive man on the plane and bonding over their shared insert in under-the-radar guidebooks. The attractive man decides to move to Xavier’s unoccupied seat to avoid his drooling seatmate, and before you know it, they’re sleeping together — well, Evie’s asleep on his shoulder. As it turns out, very handsome airplane man is Graham, a physician for Doctors Without Borders. He asks Evie to hang out while they’re in Reykjavik, but Evie explains she’s on a solo trip.
Only the universe isn’t listening. First, Evie and Graham end up with each other’s luggage; then they’re seated together at the restaurant when there’s a shortage of tables; and then they both go rogue on the Northern Lights tour and end up in a snowy forest alone together. They come very close to kissing … until Evie puts a stop to it, saying she doesn’t believe in fate. She believes in agency; her decisions brought her here and if they’re meant to meet again, they will.
Back stateside, Xavier and Jesse are bailed out by Dr. Fields, who’s had all the charges against them dropped. She tells Xavier his theory has been confirmed and they head off to NASA headquarters — where, FINALLY, everyone wants to see his slideshow. They all believe him. Now all the have to do is figure out how to stop it. But first, they order Thai food, because of course.
When Evie gets back to Seattle a few days later, she goes to interview for a position that promises international relations and work with the charitable arm of the company. However, the job’s international component is more like emailing people overseas than traveling overseas, and the charitable arm is at least 18 months from launch. She ends up explaining to the interviewer why the position isn’t right for her after all; she’s looking for something that meets her passion for organization, logistics, travel, and philanthropy. Guess what? Interviewer-lady just happens to have a lead and puts Evie in touch with her sister, but warns her it means upending her whole life.
Meanwhile, Xavier is being offered a similar life-upending opportunity from Dr. Fields. She asks him to move to D.C. to work with a government agency to help stop the asteroid from colliding with Earth — and thereby saving mankind. It’s not exactly an offer you can turn down.
NEXT: Is this the parting of the ways?
When Evie shows up at Xavier’s trailer, he asks her to move to D.C. with him and she says no. She’s in the best place of her life, having gone after and landed her dream job in the Philippines. She doesn’t even want to know if the asteroid threat is real or not; either way, she has no regrets. Cue the montage! But for real, there’s a nice montage of all the fun, adventurous items they checked off their apocalists and all the cute makeout moments (when Xavier was less bearded).
For old times’ sake, they decide to cross one more item off the list and embark on some inner-tubing down Mount Rainier. Xavier tells Evie that because of him, he reconciled with his father, fell in love, and had some of the best days of his life. Evie responds that because of him she took risks, quit her job, and carpe’d the fig out of her diem — I’m really going to miss that girl. Xavier hands Evie his list and tells her he’ll be back for it in four months if everything goes as he hopes. He fake leaves before coming back to kiss her goodbye and then walks away for good, leaving her alone on the side of a mountain — they couldn’t have at least taken the ski lift back down together?
While all these life-upending happenings have been going on, there’s been some serious changes at the Tacoma branch of Cybermart, too. Deirdre is on a health kick and imposing a no-soda rule on the warehouse. It hits the workers hard — they’re literally sleeping on the job — until Kareema comes up with a great plan to raise extra cash for the sex resort she wants to go to on her honeymoon: She opens a soda speakeasy in the back of the warehouse.
It’s not long before Hank is so high on the sugary goodness that he and Sweet Tea (who’s also high, having spent the afternoon de-stressing by drinking hallucinogenic tea with his new editor-girlfriend) are plotting to start a band. That is, until Deirdre discovers the bootleg sodas and puts an end to all the carbonated fun. Hank’s addiction emboldens him and he stands up to his girlfriend, demanding she tell him where her hyper-vigilant, healthy attitude has come from. Deirdre confesses she’s pregnant! Hank is overjoyed and cries over the prospect of becoming “Papa Bear.” Nobody else seems to be concerned that this could possibly be Three-Pete’s baby? Maybe I’m too cynical, or maybe that’s a season 2 plotline.
One week later, Evie says goodbye to the Cybermart gang at Finger and The Noise’s first show (that’s Sweet Tea and Hank’s new band). It gets emotional, and Kareema is furious that she’s crying “for the second time in a year.” Also, Hank has bought his unborn child a baby hazmat suit — in case of nuclear holocaust or whatever his bunker is ready for — and it’s super cute.
Evie is off, boarding a plane and settling in for her flight to the Philippines, when who should sit down in the seat next to her but Mr. “Doctor Without Borders If We’re Meant to Meet Again We’ll Meet Again” Graham. He tells Evie that maybe this is a sum of all their decisions until now: He made the decision to join Doctors Without Borders back in September when a man at the hospital made him question what he would be doing if his time was limited. Yes, it was Xavier and yes, it was when Xavier went to the hospital with Evie when she fell off her pogo stick and gave herself a concussion back in the series premiere.
If all this is to say Xavier was just a catalyst in getting Evie and Graham together, I’m okay with the asteroid hitting Earth after all. As Evie and Graham philosophize about life, there is BREAKING NEWS everywhere but on the tarmac.
Dr. Fields is on TV with Xavier by her side, speaking on behalf of the president to tell the world an asteroid is on a collision course with Earth and they’re doing everything in their power to stop it from happening.
On the plane, the flight attendant speaks over the PA system to announce some bad news: They’ve misplaced the bottle opener and beverage service will be slightly delayed. “Oh, well,” says Evie, “it’s not the end of the world.” But it is and she doesn’t know it and the cute doctor is not Xavier and it’s the end of the season and possibly the series and I DON’T LIKE THIS ENDING AT ALL.
And that’s where we leave our asteroid-crossed, apocalist-loving couple. I’m off to sample that hallucinogenic tea Sweet Tea was enjoying — and to pray for season 2.