Another cold open, another item checked off the apocalist. This week it’s “beat a lie detector test.” After a couple of attempts reeling off fake names, Xavier masters the lie and convinces the detector his real name is Hamish Stegner. Evie (unsurprisingly) is less convincing a liar. She slips up when she lies about liking Xavier’s hair, his French toast, in fact, all his cooking — including microwave popcorn. Then he asks if he satisfies her sexually, and bingo! She says yes truthfully, but there is something she wants to do they haven’t tired yet. So, of course, they try it right now. Poor lie-detector man.
The next day at the Cybermart, Evie is basking in the afterglow of striking “do that thang with Xavier” from her list. Also, she was given too much change at the coffee shop and because she was honest about it, the barista gave her a free scone — now named “an honesty scone.” And here’s our theme of the episode, y’all. Long may the truth run free.
In other fun things going on at the Cybermart: Kareema’s brother is moping around day drinking due to his breakup with Sofia (caused by Kareema, though he’s unaware of this); Hank is pining after Deirdre since she dumped him last week and is scribbling couple names for them on paper — my personal favorite is Heirdre; and Fernberger is back, bringing alpacas to the office to provide animal-therapy sessions for the employees. Because of course.
When Evie goes over to Xavier’s trailer later that day, she’s still on her honesty kick. Xavier, meanwhile, is buying provisions so he can hole up for a few days. He’s under the impression Professor Fields will be publishing his theory soon. You remember a few episodes back, when Xavier and Evie thought they’d convinced the professor he was telling the truth, only for Evie to spot her tossing his papers in the trash? Yeah, well, Evie never told Xavier about that. No time like the present! Evie spills and Xavier is pissed. He tells her she spent a month lying to him at a time when time is all that matters. She stole a month from him and there’s nothing she can say to make it better. Uh-oh.
They part ways to talk with their respective friends about the situation, and Xavier realizes he stopped talking about the apocalypse when he thought he’d passed off the responsibility of knowledge to the prof. Evie realizes she enjoyed not having to constantly deal with hearing about the doom and gloom of the world ending, but now she needs to make it up to Xavier and find someone else to get the message out. So, she’s off to see Sweet Tea — he just landed that magazine gig and needs to keep the big stories coming. Win-win? Maybe.
With a huge flaming globe, Xavier graphically illustrates to Sweet Tea the world is ending and Sweet Tea, appreciating that this could be a big story for him, is on board. Only his editor wants to go for the “Xavier is delusional and this is all nonsense” angle. He and his editor have this amazing exchange:
Editor: “When’s the last time an apocalypse theory was right?”
Sweet Tea: “Well, we’re all still here…so, never.”
You tell ’em, Sweet Tea. Still, he has his assignment.
Potentially portraying her boyfriend as crazy to the world isn’t the only problem Evie’s contending with. At work, she discovers Cyberhugs is charging a mysterious 5-percent processing fee. Believing the money is going to the company’s legal representation, she does some digging only to discover the phone number for the supposed firm, Rosie Baxter, is the number for a male strip club. Somebody is embezzling money from the company, and that somebody is Fernberger. It didn’t take long for Evie to put it together; Fern has a cat named Rosie, another named Baxter, and a whole lot of fancy designer clothing. She confronts Fern, telling her she has until tomorrow to go to Deirdre with the truth, or she will. Evie also renames her Fernburglar — I swear this show’s greatest strength is its ability to nickname.
NEXT: All the truths come out
Meanwhile, having discovered Deirdre has personal plans that evening — and after witnessing a mysterious cowboy visit her office with flowers — Hank and Kareema are busy sabotaging Deirdre’s date. They follow the couple to a dance class and wind up participating. It’s not long before cowboy reveals he’s Deirdre’s ex-husband, whom she marries every time they win a dance contest together. He goes by Re-Pete, since Deirdre has married and divorced him repeatedly. Re-Pete is on a mission of his own to win Deirdre back. For Hank, the only way to stop this happening is to beat them in the dance competition.
Back at Xavier’s trailer, Evie is explaining that while she was trying to help him by getting Sweet Tea to write his story, it’s now turning into more of a hit piece. Xavier is unconcerned. He figures most people will read it and think he’s crazy, but some people are suggestible enough to take some truth from it. The word “suggestible” gives Evie an idea, as it happens to be what they label costumers who are easily convinced to buy more goods when checking out on Cybermart.com. She realizes she has access to these people’s contact details and hatches a plot to bring them together to hear Xavier’s truth. Because taking advantage of impressionable people is totally fair if you’re making sure they live their lives to the fullest before an apocalypse.
But Xavier decides to go easy on them. He doesn’t want to tell a bunch of strangers they’re doomed. Instead, he’s going to urge them to embrace life. He softens the blow by speaking purely in hypotheticals. Encouraging the crowd to live out their wildest dreams and confront their biggest fears, he gives them all chalk and tells them to write on the sidewalk what they would do if they only had six months left to live. After a moment’s hesitation, they get right to it. It’s pretty cute and inspiring. Some people just want to dance with the time they have left.
Speaking of dancing, it’s competition time! Kareema and Hank aren’t totally terrible. In fact, at one point they even do super-impressive, synchronized cartwheels, but they mostly receive pity claps and patronizing smiles from the crowd — and a score of 9/30 from the judges. Honestly, they were robbed. When the supposed champions-to-be Deirdre and Re-Pete take to the floor, it’s all pretty boring, though the judges approve until Kareema pours liquids on the music player to sabotage their performance. Being the insufferable duo they are, Deirdre and Re-Pete sing the music themselves, complete the routine, and get engaged when Re-Pete pops the question. It’s game over for a devastated Hank. Risk-averse Deirdre just couldn’t take the chance Hank would reject her later, so she got out while she could minimize the pain. Ugh, it’s actually really sad.
At least Xavier and Evie seems to be in a good place. Walking home together, Evie delivers a spiel about prioritizing honesty in their relationship and tells Xavier about the time she cheated on a second-grade spelling test. With that confession behind her, she asks him if he has anything to share. He admits to having a Gene Kelly fantasy, so the pair acts out a seriously impressive rendition of Singin’ in the Rain, complete with tap dancing, heel clicking and puddle splashing. Clearly, somebody made it known in the writers’ room that their lead actors could also dance.
Sadly, things aren’t looking so good for Fernberger and Sweet Tea’s love. She’s come to the realization he’ll never truly be over Evie, and wanting to avoid the pending trouble she’s caused at Cyberhugs, Fern runs off to Uruguay to save some kittens. Evie tries to comfort Sweet Tea, telling him neither of them really knew Fern that well — only for Sweet Tea to tell Evie she doesn’t know Xavier at all. You see, in his attempt to write a fair and balanced piece on Xavier, Sweet Tea did some digging and discovered Xavier isn’t who he says he is. In fact, his name isn’t even Xavier. It’s Hamish Stegner.
And on that note, No Tomorrow is taking a two-week break. Maybe we’ll get some answers from Hamish when the show returns Dec. 27. What else might he have lied about? The world ending? Ah, the suspense.