''Nip/Tuck'' recap: Sean's woman troubles

Um, gross. That’s the only thing I can say after the opening sequence of this week’s episode of Nip/Tuck. I’m not usually squeamish, but if any series is going to push my taste limits, it’s definitely this one. And seeing Kate (Paula Marshall) have diarrhea in a hot tub was without a doubt an image that will haunt me for my remaining days. Yikes. All I could think was I hope Sean showered repeatedly afterward. Also, what do we think the special-effects people used to simulate that?

Kate pooped all over Sean not only literally but also emotionally. She is not a nice lady. He tried to comfort her afterward, and she withdrew from him. I’m all done with her. Plus, her boo-hoo eating-disorder story just isn’t making me feel sympathy for her. Get some therapy, honey. And Sean, get a new girlfriend.

Sean certainly got a brand spankin’ new fantasy lady: Eden Lord (AnnaLynne McCord). Eden first appeared in his office, clad in a schoolgirl uniform, and asked to have her hymen repaired after a particularly bumpy ride on her horse. Uh-huh. Sure, girl. A horse. Sean refused to operate on her without parental consent, but that didn’t stop Eden from aggressively flirting with him. But the real kicker was that Eden is actually Olivia’s daughter! Gasp! Oh, my! Doesn’t Olivia seems a little too young to have a child Eden’s age? Olivia eventually consented to the surgery, setting up my favorite moment in the episode, when Sean went to see Eden in the recovery room and the little lady was all decked out in her best lingerie. Who in the hell wears lingerie in the recovery room? I don’t know, but I thought it was high-larious! My least favorite moment? When Sean fantasized about Eden with a saddle on her and then took his frustration out on Kate. Don’t need to see that again. As Amy Winehouse sings, ”No, no, no.”

Maybe I have Winehouse fever since ”Rehab” had a prominent moment in the episode thanks to the return of Matt (John Hensley). It still literally hurts my eyes to look at this fella’s eyebrows. Is someone playing a joke on him? There must be tweezers and wax on this set, yet those bushy things still aren’t tamed. My colleague Clark Collis said they look like those eyebrows Jerry drew on his uncle Leo in an episode of Seinfeld years ago. Besides the eyebrows, it turns out Matt is battling a severe drug addiction, as is Kimber (Kelly Carlson). Matt claimed to Sean and Christian that he had left Kimber because of differences over Scientology, but the couple were actually holed up in a dingy little apartment, doing their best version of Requiem for a Dream. With their poor little baby just sitting by, waiting to be fed.

NEXT: Julia’s family values

Speaking of bad parents, this episode gave us an opportunity to get to know Olivia (Portia de Rossi) a little better. First of all, I gotta say that de Rossi and Joely Richardson would make a striking couple. Also, their combined body weight would still probably not top out at more than 200 pounds. Them’s some slender lesbians! Olivia is quite fond of PDA, while Julia seems to be a little more hesitant about displaying their love. This led Liz to speculate that Julia isn’t truly gay but just experimenting. I agree. She just seems so uncomfortable with Olivia. Christian even tried to seduce Julia back to heterosexuality, but she at first rejected his advances. To be fair, it might have been her dislike of Christian’s newfound love of man necklaces. I’m not sure which is more of a turnoff: men who wear jewelry or hot tub diarrhea. Kind of a toss-up.

Finally, Julia and Christian did sleep together, completely catching me off guard. It was like a car accident — I couldn’t turn away. But thankfully Julia told Christian that she only slept with him to get it out of her system. And it was Olivia’s idea! That Olivia is one sneaky bombshell. But I love her! How are they going to keep her in the mix if she and Julia go back to New York? I guess at least we’ll still have Eden around, since Annie will be going to the same school as the seductress.

I have to say that the episode kind of went out on a bizarre note: Christian ended up in a bar, being approached by an older woman named Valerie who thought he was a male escort. She paid him to sleep with her, which, of course, he did. But the whole thing seemed a little too easy. Is he really going to start moonlighting as a gigolo?

What did you think of last night’s Nip/Tuck? Are Julia and Olivia going to stay together? Are you looking forward to seeing Rosie O’Donnell next time? And which other characters from previous seasons would you like to see return?