''Nip/Tuck'' recap: Honeymoon from hell

Honeymoons are typically romantic times filled with rose-petal-covered floors, champagne toasts, and heart-shaped beds. Cannibalism doesn’t typically figure into them, but I’m not one to judge. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m totally judgmental, and eating your spouse’s flesh is definitely a mood killer. Still, if you’re trapped in a snowstorm like Sean and Christian’s first consult, then you gotta make some tough decisions. Not a great way to start a marriage, but as Sean told the couple, if the marriage can survive that trauma, it can probably survive minor fights over forgetting to put the toilet seat down. Sadly, the wife decided that she shouldn’t be the only one indulging in a little human flesh, so she fed her hubby a slice of her own arm. Not so surprisingly, it made him ill.

In other Nip/Tuck news, Colleen (Sharon Gless) returned, and the gal is still living on the edge of Crazytown. And even worse, the gal has incredibly janky feet. Hobbits have nicer extremities than this broad. As she went under the knife, Sean had a little visit from CAA, one of the bigger talent agencies in L.A. Personally, I thought the portrayal of the agents was a tad cliché. I would have liked the show to take a different approach with this subject, but at least the lead agent was a total stunner. Moreover, it’s hard for Sean not to want to leave Colleen when she’s proving to be such a wacko. One of my favorite moments this entire season was when Colleen presented Sean with his very own ”Sean bear,” a teddy-bear version of the doctor, complete with a tiny X-ray. I would have been out the door. Hello, stalker!

It turns out Colleen is not only a stalker but also a murderer. Bob, the head CAA agent, paid a visit to her home for what he thought was a meeting. But Colleen instead turned him into a life-size teddy bear by injecting him with what appeared to be Styrofoam pellets and sticking fake eyes onto his eyelids. Such an incredibly disturbing scene, certain to go down as one of the most terrifying moments ever on Nip/Tuck. It almost felt like something out of a Tales From the Crypt episode. Clearly Colleen is not someone to be messed with. Too bad Sean is still completely fooled by this loon and is letting her continue to represent him.

RIP, Gina, but unfortunately, no one is asking questions about her death. Where’s the police investigation? Does no one think it’s a bit fishy that she just fell off the roof of a building? It does appear that Wilbur misses his mama. He seemed to be acting out in school, biting other students and drawing violent images. But the one who truly is haunted is Christian. I liked the juxtaposition of the slickness of surgery at McNamara/Troy with Gina’s own postmortem reconstruction. The best moment, though, was definitely her funeral, which basically became a confessional for her fellow recovering sex addicts. They praised her for all of her, um, talents, almost all of which I’m unable to describe here. But then we finally met the man who gave Gina AIDS; he delivered an emotional speech about how she forgave him. It appears we only saw one side of Gina.

In a twist that I didn’t see coming (although I thought it was a tad unrealistic), Wilbur turned out to be innocent of all the biting at school. It was actually the teacher who had her own fondness for human flesh. Unfortunately, she had her teeth capped, and Christian couldn’t get her indicted, but he did get her fired. What was up with all the biting and mutilation in this episode?

Finally, Christian gave Wilbur a substitute for his mom: a puppy named Lipo. I have a feeling it will help Wilbur deal, but not Christian. Gina’s death seems like something that’s going to stick with him for a while longer.

Yet again there was no Julia. No Matt. No Eden. And no Kimber. Where the hell are these people? To be honest, I wasn’t really missing Matt, but what about the ladies?

What did you think of last night’s Nip/Tuck? Were certain parts too disgusting, even by the series’ own standards? Is Sean going to discover Colleen’s guilt? And will Christian ever come clean about Gina?