Nick's cousins make a big request, and Cece and Winston go wedding dress shopping

By C. Molly Smith
February 02, 2016 at 08:38 PM EST
Jennifer Clasen/Fox
S5 E5
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Sometimes you just need to say no, to set boundaries, and that’s a lesson the loft crew learned tonight.

Directed by Jake Johnson, the episode sees Nick’s cousin, Bob (Bill Burr), and his wife, Carol (Lennon Parham), come to town, presumably to ask for money — but, it turns out, it’s not money they’re after. They’re after Nick’s sperm. Yeah, things get very weird very quickly…

Here are the 5 “loft”-iest moments from “Bob & Carol & Nick & Schmidt.”

Schmidt’s life plan for Nick. We all know Schmidt is very type A, but he takes that to a whole other level when he creates “Nick’s Life Plan,” a spreadsheet detailing Nick’s future. “I may have your entire life planned out on my computer,” he says. “As I saw it, your first child was to be born between you and a small Italian woman.”

Wedding dress shopping with Winston. Cece is on a time crunch to go wedding dress shopping because appointments are hard to come by — which means she can’t wait for Jess and her maid of honor-ly advice. So Cece decides to go by herself, but Winston is having none of that. After he storms into the appointment, the champagne starts flowing, followed by a montage set to Patti LaBelle’s “New Attitude.” Eventually, Cece finds the absolute perfect gown for her big day. “That’s the one,” Winston exclaims. “We got dibs!” Can there please be a Say Yes to the Dress: Winston Edition?  

Wedding dress fixing with Winston. Wait, might want to hold onto that idea. It turns out the absolutely perfect gown carefully selected by Cece and Winston is far from perfect. Back at the loft they see the truth: It’s absolutely horrendous, with big ruffles and a battery pack to light up the corset (and that’s just to start). It turns out that champagne was really flowing and the pair bought the dreadful dress in their drunken stupor. “You look like a prostitute for wizards,” says Winston, now evaluating with sober eyes. “I look like a bullfighter in space,” she responds. Even thought Cece is stuck with the non-returnable dress and it’s partly WInston’s fault, she asks him to be a bridesman for her on top of him being a groomsman for Schmidt.

Nick FINALLY sets some boundaries. Nick’s cousins Bob and Carol came to town to ask Nick for a sperm sample because they are having fertility issues. When it turns out the procedure is too expensive for them, Bob suggests that Nick and Carol just have sex. Nick is so uncomfortable with the plan, but decides to go through with it because he wants to help and thinks this might be his only chance to have a kid. Plus, he has this encouragement from Schmidt, “It’s like letting a dog drink water out of your mouth. It’s not great, but it’s legal.” Thankfully, Nick does say no in the end, finally setting some boundaries for himself. He even tells Schmidt that he thinks he’ll have kids of his own down the line, getting him back on track with the plan Schmidt already laid out.   

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Jess’ (kind of) return! The loftmates head to the hotel where Jess, apparently played by someone who sort of looks like her from afar, is being sequestered so Cece can show her the awful wedding gown. Jess is a number of stories up, so she writes on a few signs and presses them against the window to tell the crew what she thinks. “It’s terrible,” she writes, but follows with “I can fix it” and “I miss you.” We miss you, too, Jess.

Honorable Mentions:

  • Nick being wealthy by Miller standards. An example? He recently paid extra for avocado.
  • Schmidt’s terrible Boston accent, made even worse by him talking about Matt Damon and The Martian.
  • Schmidt insisting that Nick is romantic because he picked him up when he fell in the parking lot. “It was beautiful, and it was kind,” he tells Nick. “Romance doesn’t always have to be sexual, you idiot.”
  • “You have to take this dress back. I look like a rich person in The Hunger Games.” —Cece
  • The massive cup of milk Nick left in his room. “It really is filled to the brim,” Schmidt says. “It’s like an infinity pool. How the hell did he carry that thing?”
  • Carol’s inability to give Nick a compliment and her myriad innuendos.
  • Zooey Deschanel plays lovable Jess, who is plodding through life with a good group of friends.
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    • 09/20/11
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