Schmidt and CeCe canoodled, Jess confronted a school bully, and Nick killed a cactus and his relationship in a matter of hours

By Lanford Beard
Updated February 22, 2012 at 05:30 AM EST
Credit: Patrick McElhenney/Fox
S1 E14

This episode of New Girl brought to you by black tar heroin! Because that’s the sweet, sweet nectar to which Schmidt compared himself after some particularly vigorous sexytimes with CeCe. Schmidt himself (a.k.a. Max Greenfield) warned me that the coital coupling “[would] not go away immediately,” and he really wasn’t kidding! The episode’s biggest conundrum was how Schmidt could obscure the fact, even though he didn’t want to at all, that CeCe was the bump to his grind. Sure, there was a whole story line about Nick’s broken heart and yet another featuring Jess face down a tween tormentor, but really it was all about Schmidt per usual — including but not limited to an awesomely obscene extended cheese metaphor and a repeat Parkour reference. Before that, though…

It all began after the aforementioned sexin’ in which CeCe “was like a canoe [on Schmidt’s] body river.” He declared, “Schmidt-le and the Damage Done’ — Neil Young, yo.” The sun was up, and CeCe knew she had to get out of the apartment ASAP. Schmidt donned his ‘mono and just barely got her out before his nosey emerged from their rooms. More than anything, they were proud/flabbergasted Schmidt had actually slept with the same girl more than once. (Jess: “Was it a mistake? Was she wearing some kind of disguise?”) There was also a whole subplot (in Winston’s mind) about being Schmidt’s DL gay lover who was keen on mutual shaving. We’ll just… uh… yeah. At any rate, there were much funnier moments in this particular exchange, like flashbacks of Schmidt “accidentally” leading his hook-ups to the others’ rooms so he could do victory lunges and shimmies and high kicks behind her. Love. Max. Greenfield.

Despite Schmidt’s deluge of “junk mail” (a.k.a. penis texts), CeCe couldn’t quit him. In the most far-fetched New Girl moment of all time, Schmidt actually distracted Jess and Winston by telling them to look out the window at a crescent moon. (Winston: “I’m gonna live up there some day…” Then vote Gingrich!) Things came to a head when CeCe refused to take Schmidt into a party because she was ashamed of him. Schmidt agreed to play her game if she would promise to go to breakfast in public with him the next day. CeCe reluctantly agreed before cracking a window and leaving her “sex dog” Schmidt to sit alone in the car for the next 20 minutes, panting at pretty ladies who passed by.

The next morning, CeCe took Schmidt to a restaurant that inspired him to ask, “Are we even in L.A. anymore?” Despite her strong front, CeCe let it slip that she was used to guys showing her off like a trophy. Schmidt then delivered a genuinely sweet, amusingly anachronistic speech: “I want to tell people because I think that you are the dopest, flyest, smartest, ballsiest, bitchiest, truly terrifying woman that I have sexually enjoyed in a really long time.” Satisfied with his sincerity, CeCe allowed Schmidt to tell the whole restaurant (patronized exclusively by geriatric Asians) that he was having sex with her… “to completion.” After which he of course took it too far by rebounding against the wall and doing push-ups and jumping jacks. Parkour!

NEXT: Brown Lightning!

Meanwhile, Jess was contending with that bully (played by Joey King, a.k.a. the Ramona to Selena Gomez’s Beezus, a.k.a. the not-Emma-Stone daughter in Crazy, Stupid, Love). Her name was Brianna, and she was really just an overachiever with very little patience for her simpleton classmate Nathaniel. It was science fair time, you see, and Nathaniel believed duct taping a bouncy ball to a flashlight qualified. After inviting her classmates for an involuntary game of coin slot at Nathaniel’s expense (which left the poor kid 46 cents richer!), Brianna uploaded a video of Jess singing an anti-bullying ditty. Its name? “Sad Sparrow (Imagine a World Without Bullies).” Jess thought she had “pulled a real Gandhi,” but Brianna’s video, featuring animated birds pooping on Jess, suggested otherwise.

Winston revealed his own past as a bully known as “Brown Lightning” and tried to advise Jess on her dilemma, but she insisted she could reason with Brianna. The attempt resulted in Jess getting her ass handed to her as her tweenemesis asked everything from “Why did Mr. Gunslinger dump you?” to “Are you barren, Miss Day?” The one-sided conversation reached its crescendo as Brianna concluded, “Your happiness seems like a mask.” Before she knew it, Jess had flailed and destroyed Brianna’s science project. More on this developing story after the next paragraph.

So Nick was having an epic overreaction to Julia’s inscrutable decision to send him a cactus while she was on a business trip to China. He interpreted it as a signal that Julia assumed he couldn’t even tend to a normal plant and, thus, couldn’t possibly be relationship material. To be fair to Julia, Nick couldn’t take care of the cactus. Not only did he drop it and try to tape it back together (maybe he should mentor Nathaniel!), he also fed it beer. The latter while he left Julia no less than seven messages that fully demonstrated his step-by-step transition from harmless self-doubt to escalating paranoia and finally despair. These messages finished with an unfortunately timed blurt of “I love you — WHAT?!” And that, my friends, was the end of Lizzy Caplan’s brief run on New Girl.

That was the point when three of the roommates joined forces at the school science fair because Jess had called Winston for back-up. Winston dragged along Nick who was in the throes of a six-pack-drunk, broken-cactus-toting downward spiral. More than anything, it was clear that Nick was in a bad place because he would not stop smiling. A Cheshire grinning Nick who wants to watch The Piano and/or watch the sunset is a bad, bad thing, you guys. He did get out this peach: “You know, the news only focuses on what goes wrong. It never focuses on what goes right — evolution!”

Jess couldn’t be bothered with Darwinian musings, though, because she was trying to patch up Brianna’s robot. When sparks showered out of it robot and Brianna blamed Nathaniel, Jess couldn’t bear to watch the downfall of an innocent. She tried to fess up, but it only ended with Jess insulting Brianna in front of her overbearing lesbian moms, Winston resurrecting Brown Lightning, and Nick telling the kids “love is a myth” and “we’re all gonna die alone” (then crumbling into a sniveling ball on the floor), plus a cherry-on-top cutaway to Nathaniel fellating Winston’s “good scissors.”

Jess reported to the principal’s office the next morning, terrified she was going to be put on probation. Instead her principal declared, “Jess, you’re a real teacher now. You’re a kid hater. You’re one of us. Welcome!” Jess found her path to retribution as only she could, forcing Brianna to sing along with her latest composition and telling the other students, “Camera phones are encouraged!” Then she gave Nick a real plant to nurture, and they bonded over being glorious weirdos together (in Nick’s case, with a cactus needle sticking out of his forehead).

NEXT: “Lift Me Up With Your Robot Arm” and other Top 40-ready hits

Notable dotables:

Nick [about Schmidt’s latest hook-up]: What’s wrong with her? She have a hunchback?

Winston: Dwarf parts?

Schmidt: She happens to be an incredibly beautiful woman.

Nick: Is she another one of your heavy gingers, Schmidt? [Laughing.]

Winston: How big are her knuckles? [More laughing.]

Jess: Does she have a Hitler mustache?

Everyone goes silent.

Jess: I’m sorry, it’s just… like, I want to banter with you guys in the morning. I just, like, panicked, and I made a Hitler joke, I’m sorry.

Schmidt: Why can’t we just go upstairs for a little Schmidt-and-Spin?

CeCe: You just said that everybody’s upstairs in the living room.

Schmidt: Okay, fine. What about your place?

CeCe: My place is not an option right now. All the models are there. It’s 12 models in two rooms. It’s like a room full of hungry Russians.

Schmidt: Uh, yes! Please. Let’s go there.

CeCe: What about some good old-fashioned car sex?

Schmidt: I can’t do any of my moves in there. I like to improvise with my body. I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.

CeCe: Are we going to do this or not? Because I kind of need this to happen right now. Isn’t there, like, a Starbucks bathroom around here or something we can use?

Schmidt: What do I look like, a gypsy courtesan?

CeCe: I want you to know that was the last time. This is over.

Schmidt: But we haven’t even gotten to the cheese course. A little sharp-aged cheddar, mmmhmmm… Manchego… maybe some buttery Gruyère… you sure you want to miss out? I just want to slowly peel the wax off your Babybels.

CeCe: What are you even saying?

Schmidt: How about a little stinky Taleggio?

CeCe: Why is this working? I am so turned on right now!

Schmidt: Or maybe some cream cheese? Want some schmear CeCe? [CeCe leaves the room, sees Jess sitting in the living room, and flees to Schmidt’s room.] Wanna party with Havarti?

Schmidt: The song is called “Let Me Lift You Up With My Robot Arm”?

Jess: Yeah.

Schmidt: Hmmmm, catchy…

Winston: I mean, the title is flawed, there’s no question about that, but you are kicking ass with the comments! [High fives Jess.] Look at this –“This teacher is muy caliente!”

Jess: Hot hot hot!

Winston: “I’d like to grade her on a curve!”

Jess: Yep!

Winston: “Finally, entertainment that doesn’t resort to salty language.”

Jess: Finally!

Schmidt: Jess, these commenters are all you, aren’t they?

Jess: Yes. Yes they are.

What did you think, Newbies? Where did this episode stack up for you? Did you think mopey Nick was funny, or did you find him just as off-putting as Julia? Were you sad to see her go? Would you fear for the future if Jess were teaching your children? Do you wanna party with Havarti?

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New Girl

Zooey Deschanel plays lovable Jess, who is plodding through life with a good group of friends.

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