Juliette goes back on tour, this time with our ethereal doily; Deacon finds out his girlfriend Megan slept with Teddy
WOW! So much amazing drama in “Your Wild Life’s Gonna Get You Down” — and that was quite possibly the most performance-driven episode ever! After two hours of fairly competent numbers on that other show I recap Wednesday nights, this week’s Nashville reminded me of one of the most important TV truths of this life: Juliette Barnes is my true American Idol, forever and ever. She shimmied in black sparkly fringe, she touched hands with the grubby crowd, and she lured the camera in with an I-dare-you-to-take-your-eyes-off-my-thighs edge you just can’t find in reality TV these days. The woman is a marvel! Go scripted! Never forget.
The five-pronged Deacon-Megan-Teddy-Rayna-Maddie relationship coil has EXPLODED! I know that’s a weird way to describe it, but then I pictured the coil in a mattress, and suddenly Luke Wheeler and his stupid stereotype of a teen son, Colt, had jumped onto the mattress. Pop! Pow! It sort of makes sense as everyone on this show is always sleeping together. Oh, but those kids are involved. I’m sorry. I made it weird.
Anyway, Deacon found out about Megan sleeping with Teddy, and after throwing Teddy against the wall in anger, settled on punching the wall. NO! Not the hand!!!!
Oh. False alarm. Looks like Deacon just shattered his other hand against the wall, the hand that holds the guitar (and never rocked the cradle). Still. Don’t do anything crazy, Deacon (like drink). Megan tried to convince him as much as he packed up his belongings to storm out of his own house. Whatever, Megan. That’s all I’ve ever really thought about her. Just whatever. See ya.
Also: Right before they headed onstage to jam together, Luke found out from his son that Maddie’s real father was Deacon. She’d confided in the incorrigible ColtBeatz after he’d removed his enormous headphones long enough to delight in the Conrad sisters harmonizing on a modified game of Pattycake. Real, live voices and fleshy hands? It was so….analog. Gross. But the digital wiring in ColtBeatz’s robot brain loosened its grip long enough for him to recognize hey, these human specimens might be producing something that could go on my HOMEPAGE. I better lay down a track behind their performance and call the whole thing “a beat”! Good God, this kid was awful. Hilarious.
So Maddie Claybourne, as she’s known on the fake YouTube, was right there on Luke Wheeler’s phone for Rayna to gape at, horrified and dismayed because young lady, “We have rules about social media in this family.” You know what? I LOVE this storyline. It’s so now, much like Skrillex and EDM and rap. Mother and daughter are both right — Rayna more right, of course. Maddie justifiably considers herself an artist and wants to show the world who she is, while Rayna is thinking many steps ahead and, knowing what a terrible, horrible, no-good-very-bad place the creepy internet is, really wants Maddie to understand that it is not in her best interest in the long run to expose her (their!) dirty laundry at such a young age.
Well, Rayna was only thinking about her own career, Maddie insists. She’s embarrassed by her illegitimate daughter! And with that, Rayna both bristled and softened — something I never thought possible — and within a span of a few seconds transitioned from yelling to wavering to crying to shaking. It was AWESOME. “Your father and Deacon and I love you, and you are wanted, and we all wanna protect you. Now take that video down before it gets out of control.”
But as we see in scenes from next week’s seemingly equally explosive episode, Maddie can’t take it down in time and the whole world will learn that Rayna James and Deacon Claybourne had an affair… and a child! There will be a “MASSIVE. MELTDOWN.” As if Will Lexington smashing a beer bottle in the general vicinity of Gunnar wasn’t meltdown-y enough? Will doesn’t give a STEER’S ASS about how much he paid for that beverage!
NEXT PAGE: I now pronounce you Gay and Grasping At Relevance
Ugh, speaking of Will, he followed through on his faulty plan of marrying Layla for the straight cred, the same night that evil Jeff Fordham sidled up to Gunnar during Luke’s trio with Will and Deacon (on a song Jeff didn’t even know Gunnar had co-written, the tool) and point-blank asked Gunnar if Will was gay. He’s no homophobe, Jeff insisted to Gunnar. But let’s not get it twisted, gurl — the mighty arena of Country Music is a major no-fly zone for the gays.
Gunnar could’ve told the truth, but it’s not his to tell. He lives with the guy, he said to Jeff while staring straight ahead. “Boy’s caught more tail than a damn rabbit hunter.” Ha! And that is probably true, based on what Will’s shared with Gunnar. It’s just that the tails belong to guys. Male tails. Jeff buys it, though. I think. Probably not. Hard to tell. Jeff is such a magnificent monster, right? I loved when he and Rayna SEETHED at each other outside her dressing room at the live stream event/Luke’s concert (just go with it! It’s Nashville). I’m not ruling out a potential Rayna-Jeff attraction down the line. Negative chemistry is still remarkable chemistry. I just say.
Also just sayin’: I bet Will wasn’t mad about this particular point in the performance.
Meanwhile, Rayna has served Scarlett with the ultimate death sentence: She’s gotta go back out on tour. Juliette’s tour. Inside the Dream a.k.a Scarlett’s Nightmare. Ms. Barnes is “the biggest controversy in country since the Dixie Chicks,” according to Manager Glenn, who by the way was starring in his own little documentary tonight called Behind the Beads.
Glenn was lovin’ it! I love him. Excellent beadwork tonight overall, especially as Avery and Juliette watched Scarlett dedicate her new piano-driven ballad (read: a curse!) to Juliette against the headliner’s will.
Scarlett was being her typical hangdoggy, I-hate-performing-I-just-wanna-record, gimme-more-shawls-now self. Juliette called Scarlett both “squirrelly” and “a butterfly,” which are both solid paraphrases of my preferred title for her, “ethereal doily.” Juliette was exuding some serious series-premiere vibes (the same sweet yet insanely subversive and condescending sass she’d used on Rayna the night they first met) backstage as she reminded Scarlett who was in charge. “For the love of God, bring some spark to the party,” she ordered through gritted teeth. Scarlett promptly popped a pill.
Is Liam sending Scarlett more speed from Asia or Mars or St. Lucia or wherever he is? The bottle sounds nowhere close to empty. I love that I’m worried about whether Scarlett will be able to maintain or acquire a prescription while out on tour, instead of not taking drugs, which is probably the better option. But she’s so GREAT on drugs! It’s a tradeoff.
Well, great for a few hours anyway. “Something about her reminds me of my mom,” Juliette remarked to Avery after realizing she loved the new edgy Scarlett. I really dig how Juliette is a businesswoman at heart — despite her jealousy issues with Scarlett and Avery, she recognizes that Scarlett’s “raw nerve,” that sensitivity of hers, is what’s gonna make her great (and help Juliette in the process). Ethereal doily wants to be fired? “No such luck,” you squirrelly bitch. See you at the after party. XOXO.
Juliette and Avery end on a stripped-down (emotionally!) conversation revealing her vulnerability — she’s being so defensive and bossy because she’s fallen for Yoda. “You have my heart — you’re capable of destroying me,” Juliette says. “I would never do that,” he promises.
NEXT PAGE: Accessory of the Week and Loose, Gorgeous Connie Britton Wave of the Week
Accessory of the Week: It’s a tie between….
Juliette’s looks-like-roses-but-they’re-SKULLS! scarf, and…..
Deacon’s guitar strap name tag! Who dat? It’s Deacon.
Somewhere in there I missed delving into this, but I want to mention how much I loved…. well, first, here’s Daphne and Deacon just blaring cuteness:
They can’t all be his illegitimate daughters! Close enough.
Awwwsville. There it is. Before sh*t went down with Teddy, Deacon reminded Maddie she needed to let him know when she’s grounded. She was sorry — she just wanted to spend more time with him. Well, sure, he’d be fine with that. And it doesn’t have to be just guitar lessons.
Loose, Gorgeous Connie Britton Wave of the Week:
Bonus points for bling!
Your thoughts on “Your Wild Life’s Gonna Get You Down”?
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