Juliette considers a tween-friendly L.A. makeover; Rayna pretends she feels nothing after Lamar's death
Lamar did die. But first, let’s catch up with the “younger crowd.”
Juliette’s new song, “Don’t Put Dirt on My Grave Just Yet,” may as well have been her plea to longtime manager Glenn, who just wanted to run away and leave her to a second-wind career as a smoky-eyed tween dreamcatcher. (I’m just going to recap as if things are normal, but wasn’t that basically what Juliette was already — a scantily clad nationwide hit with teens? Let’s not get too crazy about the difference between Nashville and the rest of the world here. I mean, I know it’s its own planet and everything, but come on!)
After a positive writeup in the New York Times (ONE glowing blog item and suddenly she’s ready to dive back into her career? Sorry, I’ll stop!), the Lady Barnes heads to Los Angeles for an image transformation via sleazy megaproducer Howie V (Michael Chernus, Orange is the New Black). It’s onto the “bigger and better,” whatever that means. All Juliette wants to do is rock a Rayna-rivaling “loose waves” hairstyle at home, cuddle with Avery, and bask in her new boyfriend’s perfect arrangement of her song. But Howie wants her to use a glitzy orchestra.
Highlight: Glenn’s “not buyin’ it” face
But wait, okay, now I really don’t get it. This orchestra was AMAZING. Did you see that conductor pouring his very life force into each twitch and cue? The glamorous harp player?! The vigorous string section? Juliette’s killer tailored black jacket? It was all working for me. (Maybe because This! is what I wish the American Idol live shows could be every night. Click over here to see my recap of that.)
Juliette Barnes: The real American idol.
Anyway, that orchestra ruled. But Howie V. wants more than an orchestra. Howie V. thinks his new pet needs to start thinking bigger than Nashville and move out to L.A. “New look, new home, new you, right?” Wrong. “Gotta strip that country twang out of your voice, and the transformation will be complete.” OH HELL NO.
And get this — though I may not even be able to type it, because I’m dying laughing at just the thought of it again — if Juliette’s willing to stick around for a photo shoot the next day, Howie V.’s good friend at Rolling Stone might put her on the cover. Ahhhhh ha ha ha ha ha! THAT IS NOT HOW THE COVER OF ROLLING STONE WORKS. Just ask Drake. Something else will always come up.
Glenn has enough loyalty to Juliette that he sticks around for the beginning of the shoot, even though his client is now the gothier “decorated dead bird” version of Dirrty-era Christina Aguilera:
But Howie V. demanding that Glenn make a coffee run for all the rich young Hollywood monsters — well, that was the last straw.
NEXT PAGE: Sign me up for the Avery-Zoey-Gunnar happy hour Glenn lets down Juliette easy — if this is really what she wants, he won’t stand in her way. “I don’t belong here…. It’s been such an incredible journey with you… I’m so proud of what you’ve become, but it’s time for me to step away.” Uh, Glenn, forget Juliette — YOURS is the worst Hollywood transformation I’ve ever seen. “I gotta get out of the way and let you be a superstar.” What?! This is totally crazy. It’s like they’re all pretending Juliette is not already a huge star.
I suspend my disbelief all the time for this show (and adore doing so), but let’s not get it twisted. Some vocal members of the religious right turned on Juliette. But she’s still sold a bazillion records and must have at least a few million dirty rotten pagans still on her side. So yeah. We all know Juliette doesn’t need to sell out in this weird new way. Glenn knows it. And Juliette obviously knows it, too, deep down in her tarred-and-feathered heart as she tearfully watches her father figure leave her side.
It was all incredibly preposterous. But at least we got a sweet reconciliation scene between Juliette and Glenn. “They all want me to be somebody I’m not. You are the only person who’s stood by my choice to be myself.” (Ahem, so has Avery!)
Line of the night: “Oh, he’s seen worse.” -Juliette to Avery after Glenn walked in on the two of them sexin’ it up.
In other news, Avery, Gunnar, and Zoey are now a trio making tour stops beyond just Gunnar’s sofa (or the fire pit of the sofa they all burned earlier in the series, for that matter). They land an unpaid gig slumming it with Deacon at a bar an hour away — the midnight slot, but whatever! They’ll do it for the love of music and friendship! This “younger crowd” has a profound effect on Deacon. “They reminded me what it is I love about making music,” he told the crowd at his regular Thursday gig at the Bluebird the next night (following a hilariously brief moment of silence for Rayna’s evil father). “It’s about people coming together and making that sweet, sweet sound.”
As the trio belts out their gorgeously harmonized song “I Ain’t Leaving Without Your Love,” mopey/speedy Scarlett lurks outside the window and laments her friendless, lonely-at-the-top fate, while Juliette snuggles up to Deacon by the bar and marvels:
Heck yeah! Juliette + Avery forever. (Special thanks to the Nashville Twitter account for doing my job for me sometimes.)
NEXT PAGE: Good God, Scarlett!
Oh, about Scarlett. Nooooooooooo, Scarlett! After wisely backing away from Liam’s advances earlier in the evening, our ethereal doily leaned in to a surely sticky situation back in his recording studio, where she’d gone to nap. Even Liam knew by that point it was a bad idea — plus, he’d probably just been screwing someone else out in the real world, right? He was probably thinking, Ew, gross… Just let me shower.
Did anyone else prefer the stripped-down “live” version of Scarlett recording “Black Roses” to the over-produced final product of Liam’s? That high note she hit was so beautifully haunting at the time; I liked it slowed-down like that.
Oh, God. Teddy… oh, well, first, get this: Teddy is the mayor of Nashville. I CONSTANTLY forget this because ugh, Teddy, what are you even doing here. But nope! Mayor! Mayor of Nashville. Anyway, Teddy confesses to Deacon’s girlfriend Megan that he just watched Lamar die.
Great idea, political figure. Tell a District Attorney that. You dummy.
By episode’s end, Rayna finally breaks down in a desperate rage after insisting she didn’t feel anything about her father’s death. (She comes from a family of liars, that’s why.) As she violently trashes Lamar’s office, my laughing turns to crying; Rayna collapses into a heap of tears and anger. “It’s gotta stop. All the lying,” she insists to a stoic-faced Tandy and Teddy (still the mayor of Nashville).
Heart-clutching moment of the night: Juliette wordlessly sidling up to Rayna’s side during the funeral. Bold move!
Loose, Gorgeous Connie Britton Wave of the Week:
A rage-less beauty!
Your thoughts on “They Don’t Make ‘Em Like My Daddy Anymore”?
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