Modern Family recap: Can't Get No Satisfaction
Phil accidentally puts his wife and daughter up for sale, and Cam turns into the director from hell when he tries to overhaul Manny and Luke's school play.
We love it when Phil messes up. We just can’t get enough. And tonight’s screwup was one for the books. When Claire said, “You heard your father—he’s not just selling houses, he’s selling us,” she had no idea how true that would be. In an attempt to drum up real estate business, Phil created a banner ad with his family’s photo and the logo “I can’t be satisfied until you’re satisfied.” What that has to do with buying and selling houses is lost on me, but that’s why we love Phil. He then had the banner shrink-wrapped onto the family minivan (classy! as Luke so aptly put it). However, once in place, the ad looked like it was selling Claire and Haley, not real estate. And thus the honking (and some of the best sound bites of the season) began. This plotline reminded me of Three’s Company – the whole misunderstanding, misconstrued quotes, and Phil trying to keep Claire in the dark all seemed like something Jack Tripper would have gotten mixed up in.
Meanwhile, the Pritchett men were trying their darndest to be supportive – which does not come easily for either one of them. Mitchell tried with all his might not to be a wet blanket about Cam’s enthusiasm to create “the best show in the world” when he took over directing Manny and Luke’s school musical. Cam as a bossy dictator was hilarious! I could have watched him berate those kids all night long. And Jay took a break from making his brother fall on his face when he discovered he has cancer – but ended up punching him in the gut anyway, as brothers should!
Other highlights of the evening belonged to the kids of the Family. Alex’s perfectly timed mean-girl sarcasm gets better every episode. Manny’s competition with Luke for the affections of classmate Emma was also hilarious, if only for the line “I’m thinking of taking a run at her” (all with his deadpan expression). It can’t get more Manny than that. And Luke doing his whole comedy routine was pretty priceless – though it wasn’t as good as his endless dangling from the ceiling.
NEXT: The episode’s quotable gemsSome of the many awesome lines of the night:
“Did the Marlboro Man have any regrets?” —Phil
“Now all that driving around your mom does will finally serve a purpose.” —Phil on his real estate ad being plastered to the sides of his car
“Sweetie, we did it, our baby is average.” —Claire, expressing her joy at having raised an average student (Haley)
“Medium five!” —Phil’s response
“Well, we took the scenic route, but we ended up in the same place.” —Alex’s response to Haley saying she may not want to attend college (that could randomly be my favorite line of the evening!)
“See, he focused it—by making it about the world.” —Mitchell on Cam’s rendition of Luke and Manny’s school play
“Why do you have to throw a wet blanket all over my dreams? And do you know what I end up with? Wet dreams… I heard it as soon as I said it, just leave it alone.” —Cam to Mitchell. No explanation necessary.
“Do you have to be on all the time?” —Manny to Gloria, and the answer is yes!
“I’m thinking of taking a run at her.” —Manny, the consummate ladies’ man
“Only Dad could make our minivan even lamer.” —Haley (so true)
“Sweet Lorna Doone.” —Phil, when he realizes he’s been whoring out his family
“If you’re interested, I also have an older model with a lot of character…. I think the carpet matches the drapes; I haven’t checked in a while.” —Phil, talking about a house, but actually about his wife
“I guess I’ll being seeing you Wednesdays and every other weekend.” —Phil, referring to his future divorce after he realizes what the photos on the van look like
“PB&J: pear, brie, and jambon, my favorite.” —Cam
“Years from now some of these kids will be talking about how I Sondheimized them.” —Cam on how he exposed Luke and Manny’s class to Stephen Sondheim, not, well…
“No intermission—what are we, animals?” —Mitchell, venting about Cameron’s play (to himself…)
“We love the F-word.” —Cam’s big finale to the school play (it was supposed to spell out “We Love the World”)
“It doesn’t matter; I’ll go home with anyone.” —Haley
…to which Alex promptly responded, “Probably should have put that on the van.”
“Thanks to all the perverts in town, I realized I still have a few good years ahead of me.” —Claire
“I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes.” —Luke, who was still hanging from the ceiling!
So what did I miss, my MFFs (Modern Family Friends!)? Were you surprised that Cam’s play was a bust? Will you ever think of PB&J the same way again? And did the ad make Claire look more like an escort or a prostitute? I gotta side with Claire on this one and say good old-fashioned prostitute.
Parents just don’t understand… and neither do kids or spouses in this hit ensemble comedy