Phil gives Haley the college experience while Claire takes a night off -- with Gilles Marini!
Forgive me if I’m out of the loop, but what are fans of Phil Dunphy called? Philistines? Phillionaires? Are we suffering from Phil-iac Disease? Regardless, Modern Family seems pretty committed to securing Ty Burrell’s Emmy next year and increasing my love for this man in every episode — and I don’t say that just because he has amazing toe-touch skills.
This week, Phil took Haley on a tour of his old college stomping grounds, hoping to get her excited about the idea of college. Go, Bullfrogs! Erm, dogs. (Raise your hand if you want Phil’s weird bark-croak hybrid as your ringtone!)
Meanwhile, Jay was trying to find a way to spend more time with Gloria and planned on doing so by joining Gloria for her Colombian soap, Fuego y Hielo. But that hit a snag when he found himself more interested in it than Gloria, who was preoccupied with other Manny-related matters. Why haven’t men on TV learned that they’re always going to end up obsessed with foreign soaps? Between the boobs, the hair and the drama, there’s no resisting it. Jay should know this better than anyone. Newsflash, Jay! You married Fuego y Hielo… and her two friends.
With Phil away, Claire set out to re-discover her inner fuego by going out with Cam and Mitchell (and ditching a moms’ night viewing of Gone With the Wind). But while Cam and Mitchell were interested in an evening of family dining and potpies, Claire was looking for wine and second-hand smoke. But instead of second-hand smoke she got first-hand smokin’ hot Gilles Marini. Upgrade — and cancer-free!
After she ribbed Mitchell and Cam for their domestic ways, they took her to an event where she met Marini, who had accompanied a friend of Mitch and Cam’s to the event. Awww, just Claire and her gays! The one hitch? Sexy Frenchman wasn’t gay, which later came as a big surprise to Claire who had spent much of the night trying on dresses in front of him at the boutique opening. We’ll come back to this.
Back at Phil’s alma mater, Phil introduced Haley to the wonder of on-campus chicken wings. And while there, Haley surprisingly resisted the urge to go hang out with kids her own age and instead decided to hang out with her dad. I can’t decide if I loved the Haley’s sticky-chickened face or their cute exchange (detailed in quotables!) better. But it all melted my heart. It was as sweet as it was messy — sort of like a good chicken wing.
After Haley took off with his blessing, all seemed well until Phil learned via Haley’s GPS tracking that she was at the Phi Chi house, which in Greek-speak I assume means it’s a Lifetime Movie of the Week waiting to happen. Phil to the rescue! And by rescue, I mean he went, misinterpreted a situation and ended up embarrassing Haley.
Over at Jay’s there was also a healthy amount of embarrassment going on. Gloria had been worried about Manny, who had received a mysterious package in the mail that he declined to share with her. Jay was convinced it was better off to leave the situation alone, giving her the ol’ “boys will be boys” excuse. But Manny’s not a normal boy. He’ll always choose poems over Playboys and Pavarotti over porn. And the mere idea that he would dabble in the latter sent Gloria on a rampage. Luckily it was much ado about nothing. Manny had ordered a device online (still not dirty… wait for it… ) that was meant to make him taller. Lucky for Manny, Jay was there to give him some sage advice… and rescue him from the terrifying hold of this stretching device. Manny was mortified, but Jay diffused the situation in that loving way that has become his hallmark.
There was also a subplot that had Mitchell and Cam accidentally getting involved in a valet mix-up and stealing the car of a man, only to be later attacked by his baseball bat-wielding, scorned wife when they tried to return the car to his home. I don’t even want to call these subplots anymore. They’re simply “reasons to make Cam scream.” And I’m perfectly okay with that. Keep ’em coming!
Next: The night’s best lines!
So in the end, Claire found out her escort for the evening was as straight as they come, Phil and Haley shared a sweet father-daughter moment sliding down a hill on lunch trays (and buried their tiff after a heart-to-heart), and Cam told a farm story to sum up their evening. In all, it seemed like an episode that is much shorter than usual. I don’t think I’ve yet recovered from being spoiled with an entire hour during premiere week. It just goes by too fast! And we didn’t even get a dose of Luke this week! Madness, I say!
Anyway, it’s Quotable time! Read them! Seriously, you’ll get the giggles. You want the giggles. And remember to nominate your Most Valuable Quote of the night! Also, tell me what you thought about the episode in the comments! Were you as in love with the Phil-Haley moments as I was? (Did they make you want to call your dad, too?) Was Claire more fun when she was drunk? (Cougar Town crossover!) And what nickname should Phil fans use?
Phil: There she is, the old library. I had some late nights in there — some of them I even spent studying. Don’t tell your mom.
Haley: And maybe don’t tell me.
Phil: College! [Give a stranger a high five.]
Haley: He was shielding his eyes from the sun.
Phil: Knew it when I hit it.
Phil: Seriously, you’ll get the giggles
Haley: I don’t want the giggles.
“What do you mean she ‘blossomed’? Like the poo-berty?” — Gloria
“I’m just saying, the guy’s a judge. He can put a shirt on.” — Jay
(*My nominee for Most Valuable Quote!)
“…that means I have one night to myself, which happens once every never.” — Claire
“If that was your gay card, it would be revoked.” — Claire
Claire: I get one free night and I can’t spend it at a place that’s a “proud supporter of Wilson Elementary.”
Cam: We all have to give back Claire.
Phil: Go. I can handle it. You’re not the first girl to leave me at this table with a plate full of chicken wings.
[Haley is about to turn around and go back in guilt]
Phil: I’m kidding! [Under his breath] I wish I was kidding.
[Haley turns around again]
Phil: You weren’t supposed to hear that. Have fun!
“I don’t know about you, but I have about five minutes of fabulous left in me.” — Mitchell
Mitchell: When did hats come back?
Cam: That one’s come back about eight times. Pick a side of the room, lady!
Cam: I think we’re going to head home.
Claire: What? Why? It’s 9:30.
Mitchell: It’s 9:30?!
“Oh! What’d she do? Ronaldo!” — Jay
“Wang chung!” — Phil
“Holy Pythons, Batman! Do you ever leave the gym?” — Claire
“Our potpies could be anywhere by now!” — Cam
GPS: Prepare to turn right in 500 feet.
Mitchell: Notice how she didn’t wait until after the turn to tell me, Cam?
“We are victims of a hate crime right now!” — Cam
“And by the way, it’s a little cliché to pick a guy who looks exactly like your dad.” — Phil
“Go Bullfrogs–dogs! Claire!” — Phil
Manny: Everyone else is getting taller but me. You think it’s the coffee?
“Twenty years ago, some friend and I took back the night.” — Phil
Cam: A tornado scooped up one of our calves and dropped it who knows where. Six months later, a full-grown cow comes walking up the driveway, same markings, same moo. That night, we…
Mitchell: …ate like kings.
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