Everyone has news, and none of it is good.
Credit: Bettina Strauss/ABC
S3 E11
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Some good things happen in this episode (Harry! Joss!) and some troubling things happen (Thrupple Drama) and some downright annoying things happen (jail, jail, jail zzzzz). Let’s get into it!

Karen tells 2/3rds of the thrupple that they are pregnant. She gives them an interesting stat about how people can still get pregnant on the pill. Did they know that? Unsurprisingly, no they did not. So, yeah, guess what? True to form, Alec wants to bolt and Vivian is all: Wait, I want to talk and they start arguing almost immediately. Karen decides this is really bad already for my unborn child, I’m out!

Over in Calista-land, she’s all drunk (who swills a cocktail around better than Jennifer Esposito?) and scrolling through Twitter looking for support. Turns out they’re praying for her in Ohio. And Zac Posen sent flowers! This happy mood is disturbed by a call from Patty, who is en route to the police because there’s new evidence. Patty doesn’t know what it is. She asks Calista: Are you sure you’ve told me everything? Calista is all, nope. (But really, she means, yup just about everything).

The evidence in question—which we see when David shows Joss—is Calista’s car at the scene of the crime, thanks to the neighbor’s security video. David explains for us dummies that this is an important first step. He warns her it’s a process… but the good news is that she can finally start getting visitors. You guys know what that means, right? Harry time!

Harry is en route to see Joss when curly-haired Ari shows up. She tells Harry she knows great lawyers, you know. (Of course she does.). She also brought him a gift: a knife from Japan that I can’t understand the name of thanks to Harry’s accent. She had it flown over from Japan! Uh-oh, who else thinks Ari looooooves Harry?

Blair also has gifts: a truly ugly scarf from Seattle (I thought he was in Charleston but whatever) for April that she gamely pretends to like. No way. She’s all skittish thinking about all the hot sex she had with Daniel, so she chatters nervously for a bit about Joss. Blair suggests they all go on a trip there with Lucy. He suggests she makes a great dinner and he’ll pitch it to Lucy. Oh sure, what could go wrong there?

In the slammer, Joss hears there is a visitor and gets all excited, as do I, at the thought that Harry is there. Finally, that handsome face appears and it’s as magical as I would hope it would be. Why oh why can’t this show be about Harry and Joss being in love, and shopping for furniture, and going on picnics together? I would watch the hell out of that show. They make magnificent eyes at one another, and gloss over all the thorny details that were keeping them apart. He tells her he is not so impressed with her lawyer and she tells him that she loves him. Thank goodness.

April is making a complicated dinner involving deboning a duck compliments of Julia Child. She’s already on duck two, which is really guilty duck from her activities from cheating (or rhyming with the word duck). Karen’s bell rings just as April drops the duck on the floor. She says she needs another duck now but come on, April. We know what Julia Child would do! Just dust the thing off and let’s roll.

Vivian is at Karen’s door. She immediately apologizes for her initial reaction. It brought up a lot of emotional stuff for Vivian, memories of when she and Alec tried to have a baby. She’s always wanted to be a mother. Karen says a very sweet thing about how it’s also Vivian’s baby even without genetic material. Vivian wants for them to all raise the baby together. That’s what the universe wants! (Well, maybe: hard to know how the universal feels about thrupples).

Hey, it’s Marc! He comes home and sees April losing her mind over this mother-ducking duck. Turns out, Marc is a man of many talents and has been working as a sous chef and therefore can now help with all ducking disasters. Hey Marc, your abilities are pretty hot. Lucy comes home and says it smells gross. Perfect. April is not having Lucy’s attitude and takes it out on the cookware.

Calista gets a call from a reporter from “The Times” (no city specified). He wants to know if she has a comment on the tape. Patty gives her the deal: It’s all over the internet! Calista watches the tape in horror. She tells Patty that it’s not her. Someone is framing her! Calista thinks it could be that skanky model Eva (finally!). Patty employs some tough lawyerly love and Calista cracks: It’s exactly as Joss had said. Patty is all, sigh. This is a mess. The court of public opinion is turning against you. Patty thinks that an interview with Diane Sawyer could help. COULD DIANE SAWYER SHOW UP ON MISTRESSES? This is the most interesting turn of all!

NEXT: What exactly is Vivian up to?

Karen is stuck in L.A. traffic (real) and happens to be stuck at the exact right place to see Vivian canoodling with some rando. Who does this in broad daylight?

At the jail Joss is trying to catch up: Karen is pregnant, April slept with Daniel, etc etc. Oh, and of course, Joss is still in jail—she jokes she’ll never look at a romper the same way. Joss tells the gals that she’s unsure now about David thanks to what Harry said. She gets even more worked up when she hears it was actually Daniel who got the telltale tape. Karen is all freaked out about Vivian’s maybe infidelity.

Marc is helping with the dinner. He tries, gently, to tell April that Lucy is not exactly feeling Blair. April is all, oh yeah, I know. Marc thought that would be a deal-breaker, but April plows ahead and is all, forget that kid! Marc tries to take up for Lucy, and April blows up.

Joss is being weird and sullen and generally freaking out to David. She gets totally snotty about the whole who-gave-the-tape thing and David blows up harder than April did in the last scene. He gets all sorts of huffy about how he’s been eating and sleeping and breathing this case, ok? And if she doesn’t like it and just wants to listen to stupid Harry, she should find a different lawyer. Daaaaaaaamn.

Over at the House of Thruppledom, Karen also freaks out. Man, who isn’t losing their minds this episode? She tells her former partners she’s outie 500 and stomps off.

Meanwhile, more freaking out at the Wunderbar. David comes in and tells Harry a thing or three: specifically that he’s messing with Joss’ head and he doesn’t appreciate it. They are on the same team.

More awkward dining scenes: At April and Lucy’s, Blair is trying to sell Lucy on a trip to Seattle. Lucy nails the jerky pre-teen thing; she tells her mom she’s being super duper fake and stuff and besides, Payton invited her to go skiing. Things escalate and before you know it, Lucy calls April a bitch and April hauls off and slaps her. Even mister discipline Blair looks surprised at that one.

Blair tries to calm April down, which is not exactly working. Things spiral out and April turns her rage on Blair. She tells him to leave. Goodbye, Blair.

Over at Calista’s, she’s getting ready for her big interview and I’m terribly distracted thinking Diane Sawyer is about to show up on this show. My god. But it is not to be: it is the cops instead and surprise! Calista is arrested. Gosh, I hope her and Joss end up cellmates.

At the station we see some shady-looking girl mouth “I’m sorry” to Calista. It was the chick who Calista paid to be her alibi and she has flipped. Oh, boy: Calista is hosed.

Joss and Harry chat: He wants her to use Ari’s lawyer. Ari who, Joss wants to know. Yeah, we all don’t know why we need another girl to get between these two either. Joss tells him no, she can’t start over with someone new. They decided just to be cute together. I approve.

A chagrined Lucy comes downstairs and it seems like finally these two are really going to make the peace. April apologizes, Lucy apologizes and says she feels sad and mad all the time. Poor Lucy. I think things are going to be okay with these guys!

Over at Harry’s, he’s wearing a tank top and hitting a punching bag and a boozy Ari comes in and straight up hits on him. Uh-oh. She tries to kiss Harry and he is appalled and the whole thing is awkward and she hightails it out of there.

And now a scene I’ve been waiting for: I’d like to drag this out, but let’s get to it already. Blair wants to move forward as a united front and April is all, um, yeah, about that. I slept with my ex! Blair’s eyes and heart immediately ice over and is all GOOD DAY FOREVER.

Vivian has it out with Karen, as in what the hell is Karen’s problem? She tells Vivian she saw him with that dude (his name is Greg, he’s a friend). It was an intense conversation and here’s why: She’s sick again. Dun dun DUN.

Marc is making some sort of cute craft project and April flops down on the couch beside him. She tells him the good news that her and Blair broke up. She admits she was really trying to make it work because he looked so good on paper—and she wanted Lucy to know there were guys out there? Marc tells her she’s got a good heart. Then the sun shines through the window and hits Marc’s handsome head and April is all, oh heeeeeeeey. The music gets happy and, you guys, this is obviously so on.

Joss sees Calista entering the prison and gets really excited: She thinks this means that she’s about to get out. When she hears David is there to see her, she assumes that means she’s sprung. She’s vibrating with happiness basically. But, because we too are trapped in a prison made out of this story line, David dashes our hopes and dreams. The state thinks that Joss conspired and abetted with Calista: She’s now being charged as a co-conspirator. Oh for God’s sake.

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