The episode starts with the distressing news that Chloe and Pierce are getting married in three weeks. Three weeks! But don’t worry — they’re dunzo by the end of the episode, thanks to the world’s worst bachelorette party.
A delighted Ella launches into planning a bachelorette party for the closest thing she has to a sister, even though she’s concerned about Chloe’s upcoming monogamy. “Even hot gets boring,” she warns.
Chloe herself doesn’t seem all that excited about Pierce’s enthusiastic wedding planning, but when her affianced suggests postponing, she waves it off and accepts his suggestion that she take some vacation time to prepare for the big day.
At his penthouse, Lucifer, clad in red satin pajamas, rails at Amenadiel about Chloe’s spectacularly bad choices regarding the “overstuffed man ham.” Amenadiel suggests Lucifer be honest about his feelings, but Lucifer says it’s too late for that. Instead, he decides to figure out why Chloe made the choice she did.
Chloe’s time off leaves him paired up with Dan for this week’s murder, so Lucifer decides to figure out what makes Chloe tick by taking the lead on the case, which was not what Dan was counting on as they investigate the death of Francis Hoffman, whose body is found behind the scenes of an elite dog show and whose prize-winning mastiff, Miss Cornelia, is missing.
Ella is far more interested in ordering a penis piñata than reporting on cause of death (blunt force trauma, for the record), while Francis’ husband, Frederick, frets about Miss Cornelia’s location. Lucifer pours on the empathy and promises they’ll find the murderer and the dog, then asks about Dan’s stalled relationship with Charlotte. But like everything he does this week, Lucifer doesn’t really care, he’s just channeling what Chloe would do.
He even goes for the wardrobe change, donning a drab jacket and turtleneck, and asks Dan to play the role of his handsome, unpredictable partner so he can get the full Chloe experience. He swaps Dan’s badge and gun for a fat wad of cash and shoves him into a sketchy underground gambling den solo to cozy up to their suspect, Vince.
Dan-as-Lucifer tries the whole “What do you desire?” thing, which Vince misinterprets as a come-on. Then Dan notices a dog bite and is thisclose to getting Vince to spill about its origin when Lucifer storms in with a SWAT team, assuming that’s what Chloe would have done to get him out of trouble at that point. When Dan object, Lucifer tells him to quit making it all about himself. Ha!
Under questioning, Vince confesses that he was actually Francis’ dog show competition, having been paired with a purebred mastiff thanks to the Pups and Parolees program. As for murder, that wasn’t him. “I’d never murder the puppies’ maternal grandfather,” he says. “I’m not some monster!” Yep, Miss Cornelia is pregnant with his dog’s puppies, and their offspring will be worth tens of thousands dollars.
Since every canine contestant gets examined by one vet before they compete, Lucifer and Dan head to her clinic to question her. But Lucifer’s desire trick bypasses the vet and hits her assistant, who tells them, “I want the miracle of birth.”
Dan realizes she’s actually talking about Miss Cornelia, and the assistant admits she found the dog after Francis’ murder and planned to return her after she’d sold the newborn puppies.
Lucifer installs the dog in the front seat and wonders why Chloe’s actions are so easy to replicate but so hard to decipher. He turns his frustration on Dan, who’s sitting in the back. Lucifer taunts Dan for being too scared to tell Charlotte what he really wants, but Dan hits back that Lucifer’s afraid to ask Chloe why she’s marrying Pierce.
Miss Cornelia wreaks doggie havoc on the precinct before Frederick shows up to claim her and is surprised to learn she’s pregnant. Miss Cornelia reluctantly leaves with him. Later, when Lucifer pages through paperwork, he notices Frederick signed the prenatal exam, meaning he actually did know about the pregnancy.
But Dan noticed Miss Cornelia’s hesitations and waits in the dark for Francis to return home. He interpreted Miss Cornelia’s distrust of Francis as evidence that he was the murderer. Frederick pulls a gun and says Francis already put Miss Cornelia first; he couldn’t deal with the thought of six puppies outranking him too. He was scared to confront Francis about it for fear of learning what he really thought.
In the end, they fought, and Francis fell and hit his head. Frederick says he just couldn’t bring himself to kill Miss Cornelia, a creature that looked at him with so much intelligence in her eyes, and then turns the gun on Dan. This may be the season’s best Detective Douche burn yet!
At that point Lucifer arrives to make the arrest, yelling at Dan that he needs a responsible partner who’s actually there for him … which causes the lightbulb to goes off regarding what drove Chloe to Pierce.
Next: That’s one bad bachelorette party
Okay, let’s turn our attention to some pre-wedding bacchanalia.
Maze is disappointed to learn that Pierce’s mark has returned and vows to make Chloe love him again so she can follow through on the “kill Pierce, frame Lucifer, return to Hell” plan.
In fact, Pierce is wearing a fake mark on his arm, which makes it awkward when Amenadiel invites him to Lux to celebrate their odd kinship as immortals-turned-mortal and waxes on about how death could be lurking around any corner to steal his happiness. It’s all part of Amenadiel’s plan to help pair off Lucifer and Chloe.
He has also enlisted Charlotte, interrupting her as she’s preparing to prosecute the Malibu State water polo team. He asks her to push Chloe into the arms of drunk strippers, causing her to question her life choices. You know, for God.
But Maze wants to make sure Chloe doesn’t experience a moment of doubt about Pierce and hijacks Ella’s bachelorette party, turning it into pink-festooned, alcohol-and-stripper-free snooze-fest.
Ella hunts around for a “strapping naked dude with student loans and a dream,” while Dr. Linda, who continues to be the show’s secret weapon, declares the toilet paper wedding dress game a form of torture before realizing, “Of course. Maze. It all makes sense.”
Charlotte and Ella put a stop to the lameness by calling in a party bus stocked with scantily clad Malibu State water polo team members, who’ve doffed their shirts in exchange for Charlotte dropping their charges. Now this is prosecutorial misconduct I can get behind. (And on top of. And underneath. Hey-ooooh!)
Everyone but Maze gets their drunk on, and Charlotte faux-innocently talks up L.A.’s divorce rate and Chloe’s bravery in not caring about the weird professional optics of marrying a second guy from work.
An incensed Maze finally kicks all the men off the bus, including the hunk examining Linda’s tonsils with his tongue. Linda launches herself at Maze, screaming, “He smelled like chlorine and butterscotch fudge!”
With Maze and Charlotte working at cross-purposes, Ella the peacemaker finally orders everybody but Chloe off the bus, and the women end up bickering on the sidewalk. (Linda is particularly upset that Maze undermined her attempt to restart her sex life, which is fair since Maze put the kibosh on her last boink buddy).
Ella desperately suggests they get the party back on track with matching fake tattoos at the place Pierce told her about, which clues Maze into what the shady lieutenant is up to. And that’s when they all realize that Chloe has taken off in the bus, leaving them on the sidewalk.
Alone, Chloe drinks and has a heart-to-heart with the bus driver, admitting she doesn’t know why she said yes to Pierce. She wanted to be spontaneous and thought marrying a safe, steady guy would somehow change her into a different person. The bus driver (Aloma Wright, a.k.a. Laverne from Scrubs, who’s always welcome on my TV) says she’s been married for 17 years to a man who’s her everything. “Hopefully your guy is too,” she tells a worried-looking Chloe.
In the aftermath of the night’s events, several things go down:
Maze arrives to kill that lying liar Pierce but is foiled when she finds Trixie asleep on the couch next to him. She leaves but threatens to finish the job at some future point.
Dan knocks on a tipsy Charlotte’s door to tell her that he wants to be all in with her. She smiles and kisses him, making Dan the luckiest guy this episode.
And most importantly, Chloe arrives home to tell Pierce she can’t marry him.
The next morning at the precinct, Lucifer’s about to tell Chloe what he’s learned about her needs, but the absence of her engagement ring drives every other thought from his head. Instead of telling her anything of substance, he follows her off on a new investigation while Pierce broodily looks on.
- Friends, have you ever been more thrilled at the collapse of an engagement? Here’s hoping the breakup sticks, although I’m not sure how they’ll write Chloe out of being in love with Pierce. It seems like the kind of thing she shouldn’t be able to get over in an episode or two … which is all we have left this season.
- How great was the Chloe costuming tonight? As an engaged woman, she’s all heart-printed shirts and bright colors and flowy hair, but as a newly single lady at the end, she’s back in black. Fun little detail, show! Also, of course Chloe has an incomprehensible wedding murder board.
- Anybody else immediately flash back to that Six Feet Under episode when you see somebody hanging out the top of a limo?
- Here’s hoping Dr. Linda was able to locate her butterscotch fudge swimmer. She deserve a little dessert.