Bad news, guys. Chloe and Pierce are totally into each other. Like, fooling around in the evidence closet, rattling the shelves for a delighted Ella next door, and grossing the rest of us out.
Lucifer’s displeased when Chloe and Pierce arrive at the newest murder scene together, but she assures him, “Pierce and I only came — drove together just this one time.” She also panics when Lucifer points out that she has DNA on her shirt, although it’s only an evidence sticker. Filthy, Lucifer! Just filthy!
The victim of the week is Kevin Winstead, son of a wealthy New York family who died when his partner in a home invasion shot him. The homeowner declares that she would’ve been shot, too, “if God hadn’t sent that angel to protect me.”
Lucifer scoffs at the thought of one of his siblings interceding, but the woman swears the angel cast a winged shadow and then stole her (hideously ugly) angel Gabriel statue. At the penthouse, Amenadiel sniffs that any angel intervening to save a regular ol’ human like that is either bored or deeply confused…at which point Lucifer trips over the statue in his bedroom.
Troubled, Lucifer brings this up with Dr. Linda, who suggests that he might be sleep-flying because of his anxiety over Chloe and Pierce. Lucifer rejects that idea and sets out to find Kevin’s murderer, who can confirm if he was the winged creature at the scene that night.
Lucifer sends Chloe an urgent “meet me” message, and it interrupts her and Pierce basking in some sort of fully clothed afterglow at her place. She hustles him out because she’s not ready to tell Trixie about them, and Pierce says he’s cool with taking things at her pace because “I’m in — I like you,” he stammers.
Chloe then arrives at the precinct to reveal that Kevin got into a fight with a fellow guest at their chichi rehab facility. When she and Lucifer question the man, Lucifer manhandles him into telling them that Kevin was trying to kick heroin so he could get his family back.
Afterward, Chloe asks why he got so pushy, and Lucifer admits he’s not sleeping much. She sends him home, and he snags her handcuffs as he goes, promising to return them. (“Please don’t. Eww,” she replies.) That night, he cuffs himself to a length of chain to guarantee no nocturnal flights, but the next morning, he wakes up cuff-free and covered in ash to see Amenadiel holding a newspaper reporting that the (literal) angel of San Bernardino saved a family from a fire that night.
While Lucifer fears paternal manipulation, Amenadiel naturally concludes that God is punishing them for revealing all to Charlotte, who’s had a bit of a bad-girl relapse. She’s speaking harsh truths to coworkers (“Your casserole tastes like road kill”) and day-drinking with Dan, who gets busted waiting naked for her in a restaurant storage room.
Dan finally calls in Amenadiel, who interrupts Charlotte trying on a seven-carat diamond necklace courtesy of a jeweler house call, which is #goals. She breezily says she’s living it up now that she has a pair of angels to zip her to Heaven. Amenadiel, ever the responsible wet blanket, breaks the news that he and Lucifer don’t have that kind of power, and Charlotte crumbles in the face of her relapse. “There’s no hope for me,” she realizes. “I’m going to Hell.” I’m so grateful for this hugely engaging storyline, and may Charlotte continue to evolve for the rest of the season!
At the precinct, Pierce is on the phone with Chloe, making dinner plans and telling her that being with her is the dessert. Ella overhears and is charmed. Pierce confides that he feels like Chloe’s holding back, and rather than asking why the notoriously terse lieutenant is sharing intimate relationship details with her, Ella instead predicts that Chloe will say those three little words soon, which will change everything. “I’m counting on it,” Pierce says grimly.
Chloe gets a similar nudge from Maze, who calls to apologize and offers to let Chloe decide how quickly to move on patching up their relationship, reminding her that embracing someone else’s pace shows how much you care. Chloe looks thoughtful.
Maze and Pierce then rehash their evil plan and confirm that we cannot trust them: Pierce will get Chloe to fall in love him, thereby removing the brand so Maze can finally off him. Maze crows over how much Chloe’s going to suffer when the man she loves vanishes, and Pierce all but twirls a handlebar mustache when he announces that he doesn’t care who he has to hurt as long as it lets him die.
Elsewhere, Lucifer’s agitation bothers Chloe, who suggests that if he refuses to sleep, he stay away from her while he’s doing it. He accepts this challenge in the most glorious way possible, treating us to one of television’s best montages, which features pills, caffeine drinks, snortable white powder, manic shirtless cleaning, furniture construction, a fight club, several silly hats, a tricycle, a toy monkey, and finally, a bleary-eyed flop on the couch with a big mug of coffee, where Lucifer catches the start of a Bones rerun.
One week later, a disheveled Lucifer arrives at the precinct for an update from Chloe, asking, “What have we got, Booth?” Yep, he watched all 12 seasons of Bones, and this may be the most relatable he’s ever been; who among us hasn’t lost a whole, shameful weekend to the entire run of Entourage, to use but one example not at all pulled from my own life?
He calls Chloe the Booth to his Bones, and she ignores him as usual and cues up surveillance video of Kevin getting into a fight a few months ago with someone they assume was his dealer. When they learn that the man is Matt Kessman and he’s working a job at a nearby hotel, they roll out. (Next: Chloe and Lucifer have it out)