Jersey Shore recap: The Law of Intelligence
When you think about it for a hot second, every movie nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars this weekend is basically all about The Situation. Like the main character of 127 Hours, Sitch is an adrenaline junkie who is both the cause of (and solution to) all his worst problems. Like the main character of Black Swan, he wavers constantly between his light and dark sides — between Funny Ol’ Uncle Sitch and Handsy McDrunkbags. Both The King’s Speech and The Fighter are underdog stories about overlooked doofuses who rise to the challenge when history finally gives them the opportunity — just like a certain assistant gym manager/Hot Cop who was fast approaching retirement age when he suddenly received a last-chance ticket to Gloryville, USA.
Sitch became fabulously wealthy and impossibly influential through an unlikely combination of hard work, good timing, and being a total douche rocket — very much like the kids in The Social Network. He works closely with his co-workers to create a reasonable facsimile of reality, just like the Leo DiCaprio Dream Squad in that Michael Mann movie that Christopher Nolan directed. (I can’t think of the name of the movie, but it’s the one where the inceptioneers try to inceptivize a dude’s mind by incepting themselves into his dreams, using a process called “inception.” I think it was called Shutter Island: First Class.)
Matt Damon was basically playing The Situation in cowboy clothes in True Grit. Mark Ruffalo is The Situation, and he gamely played himself in The Kids Are All Right. Sitch’s whole role in life is to have fun, but we can all see that he never allows himself to relax — perhaps because, like Woody and the gang in Toy Story 3, he’s keenly aware that he’ll eventually get thrown in the trash like every other pop culture plaything. Also, Winter’s Bone! Haven’t seen it, have you?
I have a theory that — when you get past the Sam-Ron romance and the Vinny-Pauly Bro Show and Snooki’s snookery and J-Woww’s breasts — Jersey Shore is really the story of Sitch. (You can more about it in my upcoming unauthorized Mike Sorrentino biography, The Rise and Fall of Uncle Situation.) That theory was reconfirmed last night, when The Situation decided to pull a fanciful prank on the Meatballs. He was upset with Snooki and Deena, you see, because they had stuck marshmallows all around the house, and because they kept on bothering him while he was having a telephone conversation. They were all like, “Miiiiike, get off the duck phone! Quack Quack! Miiiiike, we wanna call a taxi! Quack!”
Mike looked annoyed. Then he grew an evil mustache and twirled it. (And then he waxed it off.) “Oh, I’ll call you girls a taxi,” said Evil Dr. Situation, “I’ll call you a taxi, all right! Aha!” (“Thanks, Uncle Mike,” they responded. “Quack!”) While the Meatballs were getting dressed, Mike called the Taxi-Man and explained his cunning plan: “You’re gonna take them to Times Square, see, but they think they’re going to Jenkinson’s, see. Yes, I’m aware that those two places are 80 minutes apart, plus an extra half hour with traffic. Don’t worry, these girls aren’t aware of time nor space.” The taxi arrived. Uncle Mike kissed his beloved Meatball Nieces goodbye and wished them a safe trip. In the cab, Deena and Snooki had a serious conversation. “People think I’m dumb, but I’m really not that dumb,” said Deena. Then she said, “Hey, why’s that big gray statue lady holding that torch? Is she running in the Olympics? I thought those only happened once every four months!”
NEXT: The Situation has a family dinner with The Situation“Mike’s real funny,” said Pauly. The fellas nodded in agreement. All that nodding took a lot of energy, though — it was time to eat some dinner! But Sitch needed to get ready. How long did he need? “Five minutes,” he promised. He slowly walked upstairs. He slowly changed his clothes. He decided to go to the bathroom. He decided to shave his stubble. He decided to shave his side-hair, which is a bold move for a man with his hairline. He decided to regrow his stubble. He decided to watch the Extended Cut of The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.
Downstairs, the boys were getting impatient. “It’s time to teach Mike a lesson,” Vinny said. So they pulled a total Ghost Protocol and ditched Sitch. Mike finally came downstairs after finishing the seventh volume of Remembrance of Things Past. His friends were gone. He was shocked. “I just pulled a really good prank, and now somebody decided to pull a prank on me,” said Sitch. “Truthfully, I am hoist by my own petard.” J-Woww decided to play Mother Theresa For Douche-Cadets and drove Sitch to get some take-out food. On the way, Sitch wooed one of J-Woww’s horrible dogs. “You love me, don’t you? You would be so happy if I got with your mother, wouldn’t you?” He either meant J-Woww or the dog’s biological mother, and either way, the only response is: Ew.
Then, my friends, we witnessed The Scene. It was a hilarious, terrifying, misery, epiphany; it was fear in a handful of dust. The Situation had a family dinner…all by himself. Here is exactly what he said, as painstakingly transcribed by my British monkey butler:
“This pasta’s good, right Vin? Yup, yup. Ronnie, dude, why are you crying all the time? Be happy! No, do not have any of my ravioli, Vinny, you have pink eye! Would you like some Sangria, Polly Prissy Pants? Why yes, Situation, I would love some, thank you! You’re very welcome, Polly Prissy Pants! What about you, Clyde Frog? Thanks, Situation! You’re so cool! Why thank you, Clyde Frog!”
J-Woww wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. So she laughed. Meanwhile, in the taxi, Snoona and Deeki were slowly realizing that something was wrong. “Is that New York City?” exclaimed Snoona. “Auugh! I swear on my f—ing cat’s grave I will never talk to Mike again!” Deeki agreed: “I’m done, done, done with Mike!” Cut to: the Meatballs purchasing alcohol. Cut to: the Meatballs drinking Gatorade in the taxi. Hey, there’s nothing illegal about drinking Gatorade in the backseat of a moving car, is there? Even if it’s vodka-flavored?
NEXT: Everybody Hates SitchWhile Sitch had his family dinner for one, the boys had three family dinners for 15. They ate a lot. They came home. They walked into the house with their heads up and said ‘Hello’ to Sitch. “Look at them, putting their heads down and trying to avoid me,” mumbled Sitch. “That’s just how the troops react without their general.” Then the troops all became very apathetic and went into a bad food coma, which was just such an incredibly obvious reference to The Lotus-Eaters episode of The Odyssey. (Stop mashing your Classics degree in our faces, Jersey Shore writers!)
Sitch was pouting. The boys asked Mother J-Woww why. “Oh, I think he’s like ‘I let Ronnie cry on my shoulder, I bought Pauly a new bike.'” What she said was very perceptive. Unfortunately, when someone offers a perceptive comment, Pauly only hears a loud beeping noise and feels an unnatural urge to DJ.
The Situation finally broke his silence: “I’m a little pissed at you guys for bouncing on me,” he said. No sooner had he spoken when, suddenly, SnooDee and Kina flew in through the windows. They were bouncing off the walls. They were hopped up on Red Bull and spunk. (And booze!) “We went to the city! We had a drink! We clubbed!” screamed Kina, her mind finally broken with reality. Exclaimed SnooDee: “Thank you, Mike, because you’re an a—hole and we hate you and you’re a bad person and you were born in 1965.”
Everyone was turning on General Sitch. “They all had a good time, but they’re mad at me!” he said. “Deena and Snooks have just showed again why they defy the law of intelligence.” Didn’t they know he had only lived his life in service to them? Why weren’t they grateful?
More Magical Mysteries from Munchkinland
–The episode started with Snooki embedded with Gianni, who turned out to be the worst snuggler ever. Snooki knocked him out of bed. Her and J-Woww had some girl talk. “I had sex last night,” said Shnookums. “My vagina is killing me.” Snooki felt dissatisfied. She didn’t want just any Gorilla Juicehead. She wanted Nick, Prince Juicehead of Gorillavania. So she called him up and arranged a date. But he stood her up. Why? Gasp, it’s a mystery! J-Woww phoned Detective Roger, who investigated the plot. And a sordid plot it was, gumshoes. We all know that Snooki hooked up with Nick, and we all know she hooked up with Gianni. Twist: Gianni is Nick’s friend. Double twist: Snooki also hooked up with Jeff, who is Gianni’s cousin. Triple twist: she also had a summer camp flirtation with Randolph, Nick’s college roommate and Gianni’s step-cousin. Quadruple twist: Randolph was the firstborn son of Maximillian Arturo, a secret agent who hooked up with Snooki when she was on assignment for INTERPOL in Moscow. Final twist: It was Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick. Yahtzee! The moral of the story is: Never, never, never let your daughter leave the house until she agrees to join a nunnery.
NEXT: Ronnie’s dad has a mustache, and other life lessons–Ronnie was hurting bad. He called up his papa, who zipped down to Seaside to offer some advice. Now, Ronnie’s father has an incredible mustache. I know that’s a silly thing to write, since all mustaches are incredible, but Ronnie’s father has the kind of mustache that makes you think the ’80s never started. Ronnie said he wanted to go home. “You go home, it’s gonna be the same things bothering you,” said Ronnie Senior. Deep! “Wherever you go, there you are.” Mega-Deep! “Hang out with the guys and stuff.” Less deep, but good advice!
–Ronnie seemed to take his father’s advice. When Sitch brought home a comical little bike, Ronnie rode it around, grinning his Ronnie grin and laughing his horrible Ronnie laugh. “He’s like a bear in a circus riding his bike right now,” said Pauly.
–Actually, Ronnie seemed to not understand his father’s advice. He called Sam and made various pitiful plays at mending their broken relationship. “Don’t ruin your whole life over me,” said Sam. “You are my whole life, though,” said Ron. It was sad. To make yourself feel happy, try picturing a bear in a circus talking on a duck phone. Quack!
–Vinny wrestled with the toilet for a second time. “I’m usually pretty good at clearing out pipes and laying down the pipe,” he said. Wrong on both counts! The toilet won.
–Snooki and Vinny continued to circle each other. They’re like a pair of planets orbiting the same star, planets who occasionally smush when they’ve had too much planet-juice. Snooki decided to make an aggressive move for Vinny. She went into his bed, begging for a cuddle sesh. “He’s the best cuddle-partner ever,” she said, and put that on your resume, Vin-Vin. But noble Vinny wouldn’t let her make a drunken mistake. “I care about her too much to let her smash two nights in a row,” he said heroically.
–Vin-vin was tip-top last night, totally nailing the line of the episode: “Every time I eat at Rivolie’s, I want to die. It makes me realize what a gluttonous piece of s— I am.”
–Ronnie finally seemed to be happy at the end of the episode. He was hanging with the gang, laughing and talking and mixing a drink. The girls announced that they wanted to go to Karma. He made a Jersey-accent joke: “Hey, what separates two words in a sentence? Cahma!” That’s not exactly the scientific definition of a comma, but who cares? (Commas are lame, anyways. Semi-colons are good; semi-colons are snazzy; semi-colons are where the action is.) Then, literally at Ronnie’s moment of serenity, Pauly grinned and said, “Hi Sam!” Yes, there stood Sammi Sweetheart, back in our lives. Everyone welcomed her. Ronnie just kept mixing, and mixing, and mixing, and finally he walked outside, searching in vain for better worlds than these.
Viewers, did you enjoy last night’s Sitch-tastic episode? Were you as disappointed as I was that we didn’t get to see Sneena and Dooki actually arrive in Time Square? What did you think of our brief, exciting peek inside of Sammi’s family life? Will Pauly D ever be a real boy?
Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich
Follow Snooki, the Situation, Pauly, Ronnie, Sammi, Jwoww, Vinny, and Deena as they party, smush, and GTL