Jersey Shore recap: I Hate Uncle Situation
When the sneak attack came, it was swift and merciless. Vinny and Pauly were sitting in the living room, gabbing about dude stuff. “Chicks,” said Vinny. “Broads,” retorted Pauly. Into the breach waltzed Deena. She moseyed up to the reclining Vinny. She looked mischievous but innocent, like a cherub with a handlebar mustache. “Hi, Vinny!” she said. “Ya like da boobz?” Vin-Vin was distracted…and that’s when Special Agent Shnookums struck, mashing cake into Vinny’s unsuspecting face. The ol’ cake-in-the-face gag! It was just like a Charlie Chaplin movie, except with sound and not as preachy.
“Meatballs 1, Bromance 0!” squealed Deena and Snooki as they fled upstairs. “This is war,” proclaimed Generalissimo Vincente. The lads found some puppy excrement, wrapped it up, and set it inside of Deena’s pillow. “Deena and Nicole’s brains together don’t equal mine,” bragged Vinny. (Maybe, but as Louis Pasteur always said, “It all looks the same under a microscope.”) Vinny didn’t count on one thing, though: As he set his fecal trap in Deena’s pillow, Bizarro-Snooki herself was actually hiding underneath the bed. She counter-attacked. When Vinny found the stool sample in his pillow, he was furious. “This is war,” he proclaimed again.
Now, Vinny started to get clever. He kidnapped Snooki’s beloved pet Crocodile, whose name is Crocodilly. (I wonder if Snooki has a whole menagerie of stuffed pets. A snake named “Snakey.” A rabbit named “Rabbity.” A brontosaurus named “Charlotte Bronte-saurus.”) Vinny hung poor Crocodilly off the balcony. Then he sat back in the living room and twiddled his mustache. Soon enough, Snooki noticed that her beloved companion was missing. She searched, and she called his name: “Crocodilly? Crocodilly!” She asked if someone had stolen it. “I didn’t take anybody’s crocodile,” swore poor Ronald, who clearly is tired of being blamed for everything.
Cue the arrival of Uncle Situation. Sitch played the stool pigeon: “Nyeeehhh, I saw somebody take the croc out on the balcony,” he said. Vinny felt betrayed. Uncle Sitch was all like, “Umm, it was a lame prank anyways,” which proves that Sitch just doesn’t understand political satire. Vinny rechristened Mike “The Snitchuation,” which is impossible to spell but really rolls off the tongue.
This has been a quiet season for The Situation. Actually, it’s been a quiet season for just about everybody except Sam and Ron. Sure, J-Woww broke up with her PayPal-pilfering ex-boyfriend, and Snooki got arrested, and Deena was all like “Ya like da boobz?” But Sam and Ron have so far pulled a robbery on season 3. Everyone else seems to be gilding their resumes for spin-off material. (Just look at Sitch’s most memorable line last night: “Some days, I’m Uncle Situation, Doctor Situation, Chef Situation, Bang-Your-Girl Situation. I’m a pretty deep dude.” It was like he was trying out for three different reality shows at once. Bang-Your-Girl Situation: The Bachelor. Chef Situation: Celebrity Top Chef. Doctor Situation: Celebrity Surgery, where people who can’t afford health care go to an offshore free clinic staffed entirely by fading reality stars and lesser Baldwins).
NEXT: Vinny vs. The ToiletGuys, there’s no getting around it: This was a literally a crappy episode. After the Great Meatball-Bromance War, where we all learned a valuable lesson about Mutual Assured Destruction, the main plotline of the episode followed the house’s struggles with a clogged toilet bowl. Vinny was fearful about what he would find down the drain: “Tampons, paper towels, toilet paper rolls.” Turns out, Vinny had some declogging tricks up his sleeve. He straightened out a clothes hangar and grinned at the camera, as if to say, “This isn’t my first rodeo.” Alas, whatever unspeakableness was down that particular drain eluded him. “Call the plumber,” he concluded.
The toilet at work was clogged, too… Clogged with Ronnie’s tears! Snooki badly needed to use the restroom, but Ronnie was having a sad moment. I want to feel badly for Ron, because my mother always told me that it’s wrong to make fun of crying douche-cadets who are sad. But there is something truly hilarious about how the show portrays Sad Ronnie. I keep on expecting the guy to look at the camera and say: “Mongo only pawn in game of life.” (Just so we’re clear, I also fully expect Ron to punch a camel someday. Man, camels are awful.)
During a clean-up procedure, the boys found some dirty undergarments, and since their living situation is a more lawless form of Lord of the Flies, they set the drawers down in the living room. All the ladies swore it didn’t belong to them. Vinny noted that none of the girls he brings home wear panties, which is the sort of thing a man should probably keep between himself and his priest. Pauly swore that they couldn’t be his panties, because his panties are red. Ron, of course, only wears Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-themed underpants. (BTW, if the guys in the house were Ninja Turtles, Vinny would be Donatello, Ronnie would be Raphael, Pauly would be Michelangelo, and Sitch would be Leonardo. Man, Leonardo is awful.)
Finally, it was time to go out for an evening of fun and adventure! But Deena was feeling a little bit constipated. Constipation isn’t really funny, unless it’s happening to someone else, in which case it’s hilarious, and everyone had a good laugh. Snooki offered some advice: “Have a coffee. It’ll fly out of your butthole like a f—ing rainstorm.” Viewers, after that line, I placed a call to 911 to let them know that several million people across America were currently trying to drown in their own vomit. Seriously, what was up in the editing room? Last night’s episode of Jersey Shore has to be the single most fecal episode of television ever, except for maybe the Mr. Hanky episodes of South Park and every episode of CSI: New York.
NEXT: Attack of the SloppopotamusThe worst thing about breaking up isn’t breaking up. It’s the immediate aftermath, when everyone tries to cheer you up by offering their profound opinion about your relationship. Ronnie’s post-Sam life is no different. At the start of the episode, Sitch offered all sorts of romantic advice. (Ron: “Listening to Mike about relationships is like listening to a sailor about flying.”) At the club, Shnookums threw in her two cents: How Ron and Sam were wrong for each other, how Ron needs to be alone. Ron didn’t listen, of course. Instead, he found someone who would preach to him only the words he wanted to hear.
Enter Deena. The rookie was, in the words of Uncle Sitch, “A Sloppopotamus — half slop-tart, half hippopotamus.” She was getting real. She was oversharing. She was wondering why nobody liked her. “We love you, idiot!” said darling Vin-Vin. But there’s no doubt that Deena, beneath her Blast in a Glass exterior, is feeling a bit awkward about her place in the house.
Since two awkward people together form one beautiful whole, Ronnie decided to talk to her. He gave her a pep talk. He cooked burgers with her. “He’s like a brother to me now,” said Deena. They had a serious conversation. Ronnie said that he wanted to leave. “I’m not gonna make myself better here,” he said. Honestly, he’s right. I hope Ronnie leaves Jersey Shore and lights out for the territories. Perhaps he can hop a train out to the Big Country in the west, where they say even a waxed ape-man can find a home.
More Merry Melodies from Planet Shore-Lax
–J-Woww, with the line of the night: “My boobs are, like, twenty pounds.” For a second I thought she was making some sort of comment about the resilient strength of the British economy.
–While the boys were at the barbershop watching Uncle Sitch get his eyebrows waxed, the girls cleaned Sammi’s stuff out of her room. For some bizarre reason, they decided to lie about this to Ronnie. “Oh, Sammi’s stuff is gone? Um, I dunno, maybe the crocodile took it.”
–We briefly saw Sammi at home. She has a nice mom, but her dog seems horrible.
–Snooki brought home a handsome “Mario Brother” whose name she couldn’t remember. Turned out, he was the dude flanking Uncle Chastity a few episodes ago. Vinny got back at him by breaking into the smush room and saying, “My niece gotta go!” So, just so we’re clear, Vinny has described Snooki as his niece and his sister, and has also hooked up with her. What with all the partying and the semi-incest, Jersey Shore kind of reminds me of the gonzo science-fiction series The Dancers at the End of Time, by Michael Moorcock. Actually, The Dancers at the End of Time would be a great name for this show if it ever gets translated into French.
–Ronnie sent Sammi and her sister flowers. And also a balloon, a teddy bear, and chocolate. Listen, break-ups are hard.
Viewers, last night’s episode felt pretty bland. Truly, I’m beginning to think that the only thing that can save Jersey Shore is a ridiculous season-long stunt that is guaranteed to produce at least one international incident. But tell me what you thought. Do you want Ronnie to leave? Is a sloppopotamus anything like a snuffleupagus? And seriously, do ya like da boobz?
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Follow Snooki, the Situation, Pauly, Ronnie, Sammi, Jwoww, Vinny, and Deena as they party, smush, and GTL