Jersey Shore recap: Snooki vs. the Police
Shhh, be quiet! Snooki and Deena are hunting boys. Shnookums has her eye on Vinny, which proves that alcohol can reveal your innermost desires. Alcohol: It’s like a mood ring, except bad for you, and also it actually works! Deena, for her part, wants to hook up with Uncle Sitch, which proves that alcohol is a terrible drug that should probably be outlawed again. Witness Snooki putting on her seduction attire, which consists of one huge Pikachu-yellow T-shirt and nothing else. She exclaims, “Tonight, I definitely want to touch c—,” which will be a great name for a game show when we all just finally stop caring. Snooki’s eyes find Vin-Vin, and the seduction begins. She subtle strolls over to him — a lover’s stroll. She subtly smiles — a lover’s smile. She subtly grabs hold of his leg and refuses to let go, all while screaming, “I want Seabiscuit!” Subtlety! It’s a lost art.
The central joke of Jersey Shore is that the housemates all come off like swaggering sex gods — a pumped-up combo of Ancient Egyptian royalty and ’70s porn stars — but the show’s portrayal of sex is always painfully, exquisitely awkward. And I don’t mean awkward like that upcoming movie with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher, which I believe is about two successful people who can’t love each other because they’re actually soulless robots. No, I mean like high school awkward. When Vinny mumbled, “I don’t want to take advantage of Snooki when she’s incoherent,” I was (A) impressed by Vin-Vin’s moral code, but was also (B) struck by the bizarre feeling that I was watching the Jersey Shore cast re-enact a magnificently clumsy sex scene from American Pie, or from every Ian McEwan novel, or from every Philip Roth novel.
That feeling only increased when Snooki and Deena, henceforth SnooDee, decided to pull a Mission: Impossible on kindly Uncle Sitch. You see, Deena has a thing for Mike: she likes his “sick body,” his “cute face,” but above all his “personality.” (So she’s not shallow! Just insane.) SnooDee were hovering over Mike like a pair of fairies, whispering sweet nothings in his ear. Specifically, they were whispering “Nothing nothing nothing threesome.” “Every guy has a dream of having a threesome,” said Sitch philosophically. So into the bed they went…but then, all of the sudden, Snooki pulled a total Ghost Protocol and disappeared. Said Sitch, “I was looking for a threesome, and it turned into a Deesome,” which will be a great name for a country song when we just finally stop caring.
Meanwhile, Snooki essentially forced herself upon Vinny. Since this is a family website, I’ll describe their encounter in G-rated nautical terms. So imagine Vinny is a submarine, and Snooki is a giant squid. Wait, no, that sounds too dirty. Imagine Vinny is a bending shackle, and Snooki is a jackstaff. Oh god, no! Imagine Vinny is a tugboat and Snooki is a dingy… I give up. The point is, Snooki ended the night with the immortal words guaranteed to make fathers everywhere ground their daughters forever: “Well, stop caring and f— me, man!”
Next: Snooki’s buns are burning!It was a busy episode for El Snookerino. She went to the gym without any underwear on, and then specifically chose the one gym machine that absolutely guaranteed a fuzzed-out crotch shot. Then she went tanning with Pauly. She wanted to be tanner than him. Heck, she wanted to be the tannest one of all. So she got greedy. Like Icarus, she flew too high, and got burned. Or, in her own (G-rated) words: “My derriere is aflame! I used too much lotion! I put a glob on my derriere.” Thus, we were gifted an image that will linger in our memory for decades: Snooki, with her buns stuffed in the tiny refrigerator, munching on a snack and saying, “My butt feels better! I have to poop.”
Downstairs, Sammi and Ronnie were trying to have a serious relationship talk. Sammi told Ronnie, “All your skeletons. Lay them out right now.” Ronnie became furious instantly. “You’re 23-years-old, be a f—ing woman!” he exclaimed nonsensically. They argued loud and long, and it basically came down to this round-and-round argument:
Ronnie: “What have I done?”
Sammi: “You tell me!”
Ronnie: “What did I do?”
Sammi: “You did what you did! Now tell me, so I can know!”
Kafkaesque! Well, good for Sammi for finally trying to communicate, even if she has the misfortune of trying to communicate with a walking brick wall that loves Xenadrine. “Apparently, I’m getting accused of s— I didn’t do,” said Ronnie, perhaps forgetting that we have photographic evidence of the stuff he did while starring on a reality show. But I can’t rag on Ron too much, because then he said this: “I need a mind-condom, because I’m getting mind-f—ed!” Oh my gosh, you guys, what if Ronnie starts selling his very own line of mind-condoms? I can just see the commercial now:
Fade In on Ronnie, Smiling An Empty Smile, Standing Awkwardly in An Empty Studio
Ronnie: “Hi there, you! I’m Ronnie from Jersey Shore. You may remember me from Jersey Shore, where I’m Ronnie. Me! Now, you know how much I love Tim, Jan, and Audrey… Err, Gym, Tan, and Laundry. (Looks offscreen at cue card, flop-sweats) But anyways, do you ever get confused by stuff? Well, shut up! (Girlishly giggles) Just pick up a box of RonnieCo™ Brand Mind-Condoms. (Holds up a box) They help you understand stuff that’s hard to understand! Mind-Condoms: Don’t talk to women or watch Inception without them! (Water suddenly fills the studio) Uh oh, the dream is collapsing!”
Next: Sammi apologizes, and J-Woww acts extremely ladylikeAnyways, props to Sammi for finally apologizing to Snooki for being the worst person in the world ever. “I am so wrong, and you were so right the whole time,” said Sammi. Hooray, friends again! Snooki was ever so happy. She hugged her Sam close to her and said, “Oh my god, bitch! You’re such a whore!” But she meant it nicely. (Pauly D looked on awkwardly and checked his watch. He’s a DJ!) Back at the house, Sammi also apologized to Deena. So everybody’s friends again…except not. J-Woww refused to go in for this lovefest: “There’s no possible way in hell I would ever be friends with Sam again.”
Viewers, we all know that J-Woww is the human incarnation of Wonder Woman in our lifetime. Like Wonder Woman, her fundamental goal is peace and happiness for the people she loves. Like Wonder Woman, she often finds it necessary to achieve peace through violence. It makes her a paradoxical personality — you’ll note that she almost never starts fights, but she almost always takes them to the next level. When the house is in turmoil, J-Woww can seem like a noble presence — she doesn’t try to sleep with anybody, and she’s fiercely loyal to her friends. But she’s also the least diplomatic person in the house. It will be interesting to see how she adjusts to the New, Improved, De-Bitchified Sammi.
The gang decided to go out for a serious night on the town. It was Karma they wanted, and Karma they found. Deena tried dancing, fell off the stage, and was kicked out after about five minutes. Sitch ran across an old hook-up named Paula: “We got chemistry, and we’re not talking about the class!” said Dr. Situation, MD. J-Woww ran across an old boyfriend named Roger, who she described as “a big juice monkey, but he’s polite!” J-Woww, who was having some problems with Mr. Pass-Aggro Boyfriend, lightly flirted with Mr. Polite Juice Monkey. But uh-oh! Turned out Mr. PJM had a girlfriend he forgot to mention, or perhaps just forgot.
J-Woww was frustrated. Men! She decided to hop in her invisible plane and return to Amazon Island, by which I mean she went upstairs with Snooki for some girl-time. They danced around, as girls do, and then J-Woww went to the bathroom behind the bar, as girls do. Meanwhile, Pauly D ran afoul of Stalker Danielle, who threw a cup of ice in his face and then attacked the cameraman, clearly angling for a one-on-one interview with the Julissa-bot.
In short, it was a long night. Snooki awoke the next morning without much interest in work. But Boss Danny demanded her fealty. At one point, she tried stealing a beer and running into the bathroom with a beer bong. “Whaaat, whaaat, I’m going to the bathroom!” she protested. Then she went into the bar next door and had a few shots with some tourists. “To Smushing!” Then she hung out with some old people and insisted they take shots off each other’s body. “I think I should be a sex therapist,” said Snooki, and dear god, I think I hear a spin-off.
Next: Crime and Punishment in SeasideKids: Binge drinking is bad. It’s unhealthy. It leads to bad decisions. And also, it makes you look pitifully hilarious, like a two-legged camel on roller-skates on the moon. Witness Snooki, running around the beach, racing into the waves with her purse, and screaming “I just wanna have fun!” as she crawls toward the boardwalk. Enter the Local PD, faces bleached out. It seemed like they were just going to get her off the beach, but then Snooki had the brilliant idea to yell at them. “Get the f— off! You boys are no fun!” Kids: Yelling at policemen is bad. Into the cop car went poor Snookerino. “I’m a good person!” she screamed. Kafkaesque! Let’s hope she can afford a good lawyer. Let’s also hope she can maybe cool it on the drinking, yes?
Assorted Asinine Affairs from Azkaban-on-the-Atlantic
–Snooki, on Pauly’s tanning ability: “I think Pauly’s really black. Like, seriously. When he tans, he’s black!” I don’t know whether to be offended or appalled. Oh, how about both!
–I didn’t hear this last week, but Deena’s title-sequence catchphrase is: “You like the boobs?!?!” Eh. That doesn’t come close to “After I have sex with a man, I rip his head off” or “I’m the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet,” although it’s marginally better than Ronnie’s horrible Joker laugh.
–Speaking of which, here’s Vinny: “Ronnie has two different kinds of laugh. One laugh is a soft little girl laugh, heeheeheehee. Then he has another big laugh where he sounds like a dolphin on steroids, like, AHAHAHAHA!” For that, and for his noble refusal to take advantage of Snooki, Vinny wins this week’s Least Morally-Debased Person award.
–Much time was spent watching Ron cook up some turkey burgers. The burgers, you see, had been frozen together, and no matter what Ron tried to do, they wouldn’t come apart. Viewers, I submit to you that Ronnie and Sammi are a pair of turkey burgers that have been frozen together. No one likes frozen turkey burgers. In order to enjoy them, they have to be burnt apart. That actually seemed pretty likely. Until the end of the episode, when they both decided to put on some RonnieCo™ Brand Mind-Condoms. Ronnie: “Obviously, us together is unhealthy. But for some relationships, unhealthy makes them stronger.” Sure, yes, being unhealthy is very healthy. Sammi: “Maybe we’re not meant to be in a relationship, but I think we can make it work.” Yup, it’s totally good to work on a relationship that shouldn’t exist.
–Vinny and Sitch both talked a lot about their DTF-o-meter. Hey, do you guys think it’s possible that Sitch actually is Vinny, except from twenty years in the future? What a twist!
Viewers, do you think Sammi should apologize directly to J-Woww, or should she write J-Woww an anonymous apology note? How come all the polite juice monkeys turn out to be total douchebags? Were you shocked when Snooki got arrested? Should alcohol be made illegal, so that only cool people can drink it, like on Boardwalk Empire?
Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich
Follow Snooki, the Situation, Pauly, Ronnie, Sammi, Jwoww, Vinny, and Deena as they party, smush, and GTL