The gang returns to Seaside Heights, where new housemate Deena rubs Sammi the wrong way

By Darren Franich
Updated January 07, 2011 at 06:10 AM EST

It always comes down to real estate. Sammi and Ron were the first to arrive back at the shore house, so they had first-pick rights on a bedroom. They chose the upstairs three-bedder, because that room is bigger, because it has a nice bathroom, and because it was the only way they could absolutely guarantee that every single person in the house would despise them right away. Like the proverbial last surviving samurai fighting an army of zombie ninjas, Sammi is on a go-for-broke suicide run. Everyone already hates her. Her only hope is to dig her hole so deep that she emerges in Australia, where she can start a new life as an annoying Australian person who everyone hates, and then she can dig up to space and colonize Mars.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Jersey Shore, people! It’s back! Can you believe it? Snooki can. Snooki is feeling very, very happy indeed. At the start of last night’s season premiere, we witnessed a rare vision: Shnookums Triumphant. While the Miami trip was ruinous for the other castmates, Miami was where Snooki finally defeated her old enemy Angelina. Snooki was so happy about her great military victory that she decided to reproduce asexually in the off-season, and the gruesome Cronenberg-esque result was Deena. How to explain Deena, viewers? She’s like Snooki, except without the incredible self-control. Since the other castmates were relatively quiet last night, let’s run down what we learned about Deena, in her own words:

1) “I’m just like a walking holiday!”

Interesting, but ambiguous. Are we talking like Fourth of July or Arbor Day? Washington’s birthday or Polk’s birthday? National holiday or religious holiday that I have to explain to my Jewish friends? (“No, no, no, he was born on Christmas, but he was reborn on Easter. Yes, exactly like ET, except not as preachy.”) Professor Sitch has already reached a conclusion: “Deena would definitely be Thanksgiving, because she’s got a lot to give, and she’s ready for a lot of stuffing.” Oh, viewers, he was so proud of himself for that one. I’m proud of him, too. He made a sentence!

2) “I haven’t had sex in two months!”

Oh dear god, throwing this girl into the Jersey Shore house is like throwing a lit match into a gallon of gasoline, and the gasoline is really horny and is named The Situation.

3) “Mike saw my na-na. It took a day for someone to see my goods.”

First, anyone who refers to her kooka as her na-na is okay in my book, and my book is titled Thank Goodness the World is Ending Tomorrow. Second, I’d like to propose a theory. As the first evening wore on, after a hearty game of Flip Cup (which the guys won narrowly) and a hearty hot tub meltdown (more on that later), Deena announced to everyone that she wanted to find her cowboy hat. Uncle Sitch offered to help her, because that’s the kind of guy he is.

She found the hat, and tried to explain to him…something. I couldn’t make it out. She said something like, “I like having fun in my hat. Hat! No, you can’t do it. My bikini! Deena? Rainbows!” And then, while trying to demonstrate her incredible ability to not accidentally show off her lady parts, she accidentally showed off her lady parts. Sitch’s eyes shot to the ceiling. His mouth dropped to the floor. “Hubba hubba,” he said, “Awoooga!” (I have some exclusive footage of The Situation’s reaction here.)

Anyways, my theory is this: Because Deena is new to the house, and because she has presumably watched the show and thinks she knows what goes on there, she is trying harder to be Snooki than Snooki herself. Which is why Snooki likes her…for now. But you think Snooki and Deena are BFfLes? I’m betting before the end of the season they’ll hate each other. Call it the Mr. Ripley Theorem.

Next: Ronnie and Sammi are like an old married couple, by which I mean miserable and boringRonnie and Sammi are just a swirling tornado of hatred now. When Deena waltzed in, Ronnie noted, “Snooki walks in the door with the Gremlin lookalike,” which is a pretty brave thing to say considering that Ronnie looks exactly like Goliath the Gargoyle. Sammi didn’t even deign to notice the new arrival. At the welcome lunch, Deena tried to make idle conversation with Sam.

Deena: “So, where are you from?”

Sammi: “Jersey.”

Deena: “I’m from Jersey! Where?”

Sammi: “Central.”

Deena: “Which part of Central?”

Sammi: “Hazlet.”

Deena: “Well, tell the Hazlet school board that unless they’re purposefully training their students to grow up to be monosyllabic man-sloths, they really have to do something about their education system.” (She didn’t say that.)

Later, the gang was having a serious talk in the kitchen. Deena was asking what made a good houseguest. Vinny explained, “The way you treat people in this house is the way you get it back.” (Hooray for the return of Non-Douchebag Vin-Vin!) Deena agreed, although she noted that she could be a bit of a firecracker: “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” And Sammi did it! She stood up and walked away, literally getting out of the kitchen!

Viewers, we’ve all been watching this show together. Can someone please explain to me when Sammi turned into an evil Disney Queen? She literally seems to hate everyone around her. She calls JWoww “whorebag,” which is just rude, and if I may offer a counterargument, here’s a mirror. She jokes that Vinny is in love with Pauly. She refuses to speak to the other girls. If there was a truly sad moment in last night’s premiere, it was the sight of Sammi and Ronnie all alone in their big room while the rest of the house played Flip Cup outside. To get really deep for a second, Sammi and Ronnie seem to be trapped in a seriously dysfunctional cycle of mutual pain and desire. To get really shallow for a second, Ronnie looks like a shaved grizzly bear who was raised as a human by a lonely hunter. (That would explain Ron’s anger issues. He just wants to go back to the forest, where he can hunt salmon, or something!)

I was all set for a few episodes of slow-burn Sammi hatred. But leave it Deena to make everything move much, much faster. Finding the whole house tucked into bed, Deena made her way to the terrible upstairs room. She tried to awake Sitch. “Please, Uncle Sitch, I want a snug snug!” she explained. Sammi giggled. Deena was horrified. How dare someone laugh at her rather amusing behavior! She threw a fit. She screamed out words that are unrepeatable on this family website. (Suffice it to say, she wanted to get rid of the Seaward.) Everyone assembled in the kitchen. Sitch looked like he was having the time of his life. “I hope she rots in hell!” said Deena. Sitch: “That was very audacious.”

Next: Every one has a job to do, and JWoww’s job is doing goodDeena was basically screaming awful things about Sammi for fifty minutes. Then she said one thing vaguely in reference to Ronnie — “Go cuddle with your boyfriend!” — and that was too much. Ronnie and Sammi ran downstairs. Ronnie was yelling. Deena was yelling. Sammi was yelling. Then Snooki got in on the act, with the angry line of the night: “You’re the biggest bitch I’ve ever met in my entire life.” Well, technically, Sammi did once promise us that she was the sweetest bitch we’d ever meet. What is the transitive property of bigness to sweetness? I’ll consult my calculator. [Slams calculator against forehead] The answer is 42!

All this time, JWoww stayed quiet. She couldn’t get in the middle of this. She couldn’t! It was just like that part of Spider-Man 2, when Peter Parker has given up his super-suit. His life is happy and peaceful. But he sees a robbery, and feels the need to stop it…but he can’t. Leave it to the police. Don’t be a hero, JWoww! But then Queen Sammi and her Hulk-Man pulled out the final insult, to Snooki: “You’re a loser from Poughkeepsie!” You’ve gone too far, evildoers. JWoww swooped in from the sky, and the fight began. A punch was thrown, maybe a kick. Madness! Madness!

More Monumental Moments in Meathead Madness

–At one point, The Situation actually said, “Does the Situation want to get situated?” My head exploded.

–So Deena was referred to tonight as a Gremlin, a squirrel monkey, and a chihuahua. Pause to visualize a horrible creature made by Dr. Frankenstein that is all of those creatures and also freakishly tan.

–In between all the Deena/Sammi drama, there was one intriguing little interlude, which I will title, “How To Make Every Girl Leave the Hot Tub Immediately.” Deena was clearly vibing on Vinny, who was also vibing thereupon. But Snooki didn’t like the looks of that. At first, this just seemed like some drunken jealousy: “You’re hooking up with my girl, who’m I gonna hook up with?” But then, revelation: Vinny just recently hooked up with Ryder, last seen doing nothing in Miami! Boy, talk about a sticky situation!

Vinny, you’ve got two girls in a hot tub. Make small talk! “So, what’s it like being a dental assistant?” he asked Deena. Deena instantly left. Okay, Vin-Vin, so the small talk offense didn’t work out so well. Then Snooki threw herself at Vinny, but he demurred. “You’re gonna hook up with grenades, but you can’t make out with me?” Snooki left the hot tub. Vinny looked frustrated. JWoww: “Stick it in one of the jet-holes, and go to bed.” Confucius himself couldn’t have said it better, JWoww. And even if he did, he couldn’t possibly pull this off.

Viewers, did you enjoy this return to Seaside Heights? Whose side are you on: Team MVP, Team GWHS (Girls Who Hate Sammi), or Team SATOG (Sammi And The Other Guy)? Do you like Deena, hate her, or are you so numb that you don’t feel anything anymore? Seriously, what is it like being a dental assistant?

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