Snooki's relationship with Jionni reaches a turning point, and Deena has the world's most adorable pregnancy scare

By Darren Franich
Updated September 30, 2011 at 06:00 AM EDT
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Someday, somewhere, somehow — dear God — someone on the Jersey Shore cast is going to have a child. It might have happened already. Why, The Situation has lived a long, full life, and has certainly proven himself capable of convincing many different women of making many different mistakes. (I’m sure you’re all aware of the popular theory currently making the rounds in academia that Vinny is actually Uncle Situation’s bastard child.) The most common critique leveled against Jersey Shore is that it symbolizes nothing less than the end of Western Civilization. Now, this is a silly critique, since we all know Western Civilization actually ended earlier this month, when Drive earned a C- grade from Cinemascore. (By comparison, Cars 2 — that horrifying vision of post-human globalized mediocrity — earned an A-. This modern world is misery. Thank God for Fast Five.)

But even if you believe that the cast of Jersey Shore represents the end of the human species, you still have to make peace with the fact that they will procreate. And their spawn will rule our ruined world. Someday, the sons of Pauly D will battle the daughters of J-Woww for control of whatever remains of North America after global warming and aliens decimate the Earth. Pirate-armies will sail the high seas, plundering unaffiliated islands under the banner of Queen Snooki the First. Monks with shaved heads and badass arm tattoos will spread the Passive-Aggressive Gospel of Vinny throughout the dying planet. And The Situation will walk the earth like Caine in Kung Fu. He’ll use his knowledge of martial arts to provide aid to the little people, while totally creeping out said little people’s underage daughters.

Last night’s episode of Jersey Shore provided a crystal-ball vision of that apocalyptic future. Y’see, Deena thought she had figured out why she’d been so moody. “I missed my period,” she explained. “I had sex right before I came here. I have a feeling I’m pregnant.” She told this to J-Woww in the middle of a Florentine club, just a few hours after Snooki suffered a mini-meltdown over Jionni. So J-Woww did not react well to the news. “This is an atomic bomb waiting to go off,” said J-Woww. Pause to imagine an atomic bomb growing inside of Deena’s belly, being sustained by a steady diet of tequila shots and regret. J-Woww knows an Anti-Christ when she sees one. She made for the pharmacy with all appropriate speed.

“What if I am pregnant!” exclaimed Deena. “I’ve been partying. I’ve been smoking. My parents are gonna kill me!” The drama! You could suddenly picture this strange fourth season of Jersey Shore taking a hard-left turn. (There would be an elaborate “Who’s the Real Father?” plot, which would basically involve Mike claiming to be the father and no one believing him.) Of course, Deena wasn’t pregnant — apocalypse averted, for now.

J-Woww solved that problem, the way she solves most of the house’s problems. J-Woww remains the only real hero in the house, but she’s kind of a tragic hero. Like, her entire purpose is to maintain order — which is why she’s such a good foil for Sitch, whose business is chaos (and cousin, business is booming.) But she can never maintain order. Do you guys remember when they came out with those special editions of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toyscalled Cyber Samurai Mutant Ninja Turtles, which presupposed that the Turtles would still be alive at the end of the 21st century, when climate change had flooded Manhattan and they all had totally badass futuristic armor? And also they traveled back in time to World War II to punch Hitler? (I swear, I am not making this up.) Anyway, my point is: If anyone ever makes a movie called Cyber Samurai Mutant Ninja Mrs. Dalloway, J-Woww should clearly be the star.

NEXT: Snooki asks herself, “Who am I, anyway?”Snooki has been the Jersey Shore mascot for so long now, it’s strange to consider that she has been the least interesting part of the show for almost two seasons. True, she has been waging war against the policemen of the world, beginning with her perp walk in Jersey and climaxing with that one episode where she killed a cop. But the old, bad Snooki has been mostly replaced by a body-snatched duplicate — possibly because Nicole suddenly became worried about protecting her dignity, possibly because her entire persona was swoop-swooped by the Deena-Bot 5000. Thankfully for our televisions, Vintage Snooki has staged a comeback in the last few weeks.

Blame it on Jionni, who messed with the wrong girl. Sure, at first, Snooki was in the depths of despair. She couldn’t believe her boy toy had left her. She had a beer in the morning. She started doing hobo-talk with the tourists. “I flew my boyfriend out here, and he left me, and I’m f—ing miserable right now. I am heartbroken. So let me dance!” There seemed to be no way to help her. She said: “This is the worst day of my life. BURP. BURP.”

The worst thing of all, though, was that Jionni’s cowardly retreat had left Snooki questioning herself. “I hate myself,” she moaned. “I hate who I am. I need to change myself to get f—ing married, I swear.” I think I speak for all of us when I say: No, Shnookums, no! Don’t let some toolbag make you change who you are! You deserve to find a gym-freak juicehead who loves you for you. More importantly, you deserve a dude whose ridiculous muscles are all natural, or who is at least gentlemanly enough to properly balance The Cream with The Clear, thereby preventing unsightly ‘roid rages. (By the way, if you ever meet a guy whose Jersey Shore nickname is “The Cream And The Clear,” you should really just give him your lunch money.)

Sammi tried to comfort Snooki. This is what that sounded like:

Snooki: “How do I look? Do I look s—y?”

Sammi: ” Who cares if your face is a mess? You’re feeling a mess!”

Snooki: “I’m a mess?”

Sammi: “You have a little eye makeup over there. But who cares?”

Snooki: “Oh, I didn’t realize…”

Sammi: “Yeah, your hair is disgusting. But you look like you. Who cares?”

I vaguely suspect that Sammi is currently trying to rebrand herself as “J-Woww 2.0,” kind of like how Vinny is trying to rebrand himself as “Hairless Pauly” and Ronnie is trying to rebrand himself as “Not A Shaven Silverback Gorilla.”

NEXT: Snooki vs. Jionni, and a nation cheers.Jionni pushed all of Snooki’s buttons. He forced her to come meet him at the train station. He said that he had to leave — his mom had already changed his ticket, and also he had a doctor’s note. Snooki was beside herself. “You’re the only thing that makes me happy, and you’re leaving me,” she said. “Give me a hug,” said Jionni, “I don’t want to miss another train.” Now, I’m not going to say that Jionni is a douche rocket powered by Toolbag™ Brand gasoline. But I will say that that was perhaps not the kindest way to treat one’s ladyfriend.

When Snooki spoke to Jionni on the phone the next day, he gave her the same old spiel. “You took your f—ing skirt off,” he moaned. “You were dancing like a f—ing pig in front of me.”

Now that did it. “You’re hurting my feelings,” said Snooki. “I don’t even know why we’re together. I don’t deserve this. I don’t.” Jionni wailed impotently, “Buh-buh-buh-buh,” but Snooki did not listen to his girlish cries. “I’m sorry,” she said — she sounded just like a Fortune 500 CEO telling a longtime competitor that his company was out of business — “I don’t want to talk to you.”

Huzzah! In the immortal words of Jenni Motherf—ing Farley: “You shouldn’t change for any man. You find a man who will accept you.” Hey, maybe Jersey Shore doesn’t always model the best lessons for our children, but you gotta admit: That’s a better moral then you’ll ever find on Criminal Minds. (Or, as it’s called around my household, Hot Young White Women Getting Murder-Raped For Being Hot: The Series.)

Snooki was back to her old self again. All she was missing was her favorite bad-idea club. And then she had a stroke of genius. Without any sense of irony, she said: “Let’s bring Karma to the living room.” And so, fellow viewers, we witnessed a beautiful meta-snapshot of this whole bizarre Jersey Shore experiment. Pauly D and Vinny put on their fake-Jersey clothes and pretended to be whatever they were before they were famous. Ron put on his tank-top hoodie and laughed his raspy-dolphin laugh and pretended to be a bouncer. Mike was creeping in the corner, daring the world not to take him seriously. Vinny laughed. Sam danced. Deena burped.

And Pauly D, who has long been rumored to be a DJ, actually used DJ equipment. This was a watershed moment in TV history, roughly equivalent to seeing Wilson’s full face on Home Improvement. Oh viewers, such joy! We could have danced forever, in that fake nightclub in the stately living room in Florence.

And then Mike sent everything to hell.

NEXT: Mike loves Snooki, Snooki loves Vinny, Vinny loves…?The Situation has a nose for mischief. He is an agent of chaos. We cannot prove definitively that he is one of the 13 sons of Satan, but the resemblance is unmistakable. Snooki made the mistake of fooling around with Sitch. “Take my shoes off,” she commanded, with a sly flash of her cuca. In the cigarette porch, Mike made his play. “Why don’t you just break up with your boyfriend?” he lightly inquired. “Jionni can’t take care of you like I can!”

Oh, but Snooki had played this game before. When Mike noted that he always, always texted her back whenever she called, she explained that she only kept in touch because she was worried about him. “Why do we hook up all the time?” he asked. “I love you. I love you,” he insisted. Then he tossed out some nonsense about Ronnie encouraging him to beat up Jionni.

Suspicion consumed Shnookums. Bad waves of paranoia, madness, fear and loathing. “Intolerable vibrations in this place,” she said. “Get out. The weasels are closing in. I can smell the ugly brutes.” She got angry at Ronnie, who was all like “Buh-buh-buh-buh, hug Ronnie!” Snooki went to sleep angry. The Situation, for his part, decided that he was on a suicide run, and pushed the pedal to the floor. Out of nowhere, he loudly announced to the group: “So when Nicole was BLEEPing me, right, watching her girlfriend get BLEEPed, right?” I watched that on repeat several times and couldn’t figure out exactly what he was saying, but I’m guessing it wasn’t pretty. J-Woww: “You idiot. You’re a f—ing a–hole.”

So everyone went to sleep angry. Or did they? Deena asked Pauly for a cuddle-squeeze. He demurred. Then Snooki asked for the same thing, and Pauly accepted it. Then Snooki switched places with Deena and went to Vinny’s bed. Snooki turned to Vin-Vin, and delivered a rather simple message: “I want you to f— me.” Vinny: “Are you with Jionni anymore?” Snooki shook her head.

“Kiss me,” said Snooki.

“Okay,” said Vin-Vin.

And so, the curtain fell on the Theater of Oncoming Regret. Viewers, it was an exciting night in the tiny Jersey corner of Florence. The episode had a zip that’s been missing for much of the season — did you all notice all the hilarious reaction cutaways to Sam, especially when J-Woww kept on begging Snooki, “Don’t pull a Sam, here!” What did you think of Snooki’s various decisions last night? Between Mike and Vinny, did she make the right choice? Or should she have chosen option C: “Become a nun and retreat from the horrible world of men”? And didn’t you enjoy the moment when Snooki was simultaneously freak-dancing a dude and strangling him, Xenia Onatopp-style?

Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich

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Jersey Shore

Follow Snooki, the Situation, Pauly, Ronnie, Sammi, Jwoww, Vinny, and Deena as they party, smush, and GTL
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