The Situation descends into madness, and Snooki loses all control of her bodily functions
In the end, fame will consume us all. And in the not-so-distant future, when the Western World has devolved into tweeting cave-people marauding through a barren landscape while eco-hipsters hide in walled city-states, educators in the utopian society of IndoChina will force first-graders to watch last night’s episode of Jersey Shore, just as surely as your friendly D.A.R.E. officer used to show you pictures of meth-heads with soot-black teeth. It’s becoming more clear with each passing episode that the Jersey Shore cast may never recover from being on Jersey Shore. The dark night of Vin-Vin’s soul was just the beginning. On last night’s episode, the two most iconic members of the Shore cast — Uncle Situation and Darling Shnookums — both entered their own private late-period Caligula phase. Snooki has lost all control of her bladder, and doesn’t care. At least she’s still one step up from Sitch, who has apparently lost all grip on reality. I used to theorize that The Situation was a supervillain in mold of a Lex Luthor — a brilliant man with a head full of schemes and a heart full of hate. It’s clear now that Sitch is really just a sad old man who sees threats everywhere. He’s King Lear, if King Lear were about twenty years older.
At the start of last night’s show, apropos of absolutely nothing, Uncle Sitch told Snooki that he had big plans. He wanted to get inked up. He wanted to get a pair tattoos on tree-trunk forearms: “Loyalty” and “Betrayal.” He wanted to remember who his friends were, and who his enemies were. This information incited Ronnie to initiate the night’s most exciting trend: Hilarious Facial Reactions to The Situation’s Insanity.
Regular readers of these recaps know that I often pick on the fact that Ronnie is a shaven ape-man caught in the wild and forced to live as a human, as part of an ongoing science experiment by a mad primatologist who Ronnie refers to as “Unky Herb.” And that is absolutely true. When I spoke to Ronnie last summer, he would occasionally veer away from his erudite analysis of the Florentine patronage system into paranoid ramblings about how King K. Rule had stolen all his bananas. (Disclaimer: That’s not true. But in a society where “reality” has lost all meaning, isn’t fiction the real truth? The answer is no.) But lately, I’ve been thinking that I have Ronnie all wrong. There was a time when Ron-Ron seemed perpetually angry and confused about his inability to fit in with human society. He has seemed much calmer lately, perhaps because he realizes that human society is not worth fitting into. He aptly noted that The Situation should get tattoos that said “Betrayal” and “Betrayal.”
The gang went out for drinks and dancing. Snooki danced so hard that she peed on the dance floor. Now, hilarious urination has been a cornerstone of Jersey Shore for many years, but this is the first time that we’ve seen a Shore cast member literally relieve themselves in public. Snooki quickly fled to a bathroom, where she sprayed perfume on her soiled drawers and declared herself clean. “Don’t call me dirty,” she said, a thin line of Aguilera™ Brand Spray Tan still trickling down her leg. “I’m not dirty. I smell phenomenal.” Pause to imagine High Empress Snookerina, queen of all she surveys, standing aloft a pyramid made of dried vomit and fossilized feces, proclaiming to her beloved subjects, “I smell phenomenal! The Empress has spoken!“
Snooki decided that she had a UTI. Fortunately, she was prepared. “I’m a vet tech, and I know what to do when it comes to UTIs,” she said, ordering several shots of tequila and then licking those shots off Deena’s neck. “Drinking when you have a UTI is kind of like a painkiller,” she noted. Pause to imagine Snooki as a veterinarian. When you bring in your little puppy, she says, “I’ve got just the thing for this!” Then she pulls Deena out of a cabinet, lathers her Deena-neck with tequila, and has your puppy lick it off. The point is, it’s not like medicine is an exact science, y’know?
NEXT: Snooki continues to explore eco-friendly toilet alternatives.After an exciting day at Jenkinson’s Boardwalk, which is certainly the finest boardwalk named Jenkinson’s in the tri-city area, the gang went back to the house. The Situation shared a taxi with Deena and Snooki. “The guys are plotting against me,” said Sitch, “I know it.” Snooki said something like “You should tell them about it, or something,” and Deena said, “Brap! Brap! Brap! Brap!” Everyone was wasted. When they got home, the bathrooms were all full, so Snooki decided to urinate on the porch. I wish I could describe what happened, precisely. She squatted down and said, “I don’t give a f—. Whatever. I can pee where I want.” Then she seemed actively shocked by the actual biological occurrence of urination. Then, when she was finished, she set down one of her sets of underpants and said, “There. Now it won’t smell.” As Vinny noted: “They pee outside and drink out of bowls. We don’t need pets.”
And then it happened, viewers. Out of nowhere, The Situation decided to deliver a soul-baring soliloquy. “How come everyone always focuses on Mike?” he said. “I’ve been trying so hard in Jersey. I’m trying to be a nice guy. I happen to have a very bold, bold, bold, personality. Everybody thinks I have hidden agendas and s—. Let fall your horrible pleasure! Here I stand, your slave, a poor, infirm, weak, and despised old man.”
It was a beautiful speech, which was undone by only one thing: Sitch’s undone zipper. Although we didn’t see quite how much of L’il Sitch was present, we did see J-Woww’s Hilarious Facial Reaction to The Situation’s Insanity:
“Yo, I swear to god, I think it’s talking to me right now!” said Vinny, who then proceeded to play a rowdy game of “Throw The Football,” clearly an homage to The Room. The Situation rambled on and on, and in the background you could hear people on the chairlift screaming the names of the Shore cast — “Yay, Vinny! Hooray, Pauly!” It was just like that dream you always have where you’re the seventh cast member of Friends who only talks when the studio audience laughs, so no one ever hears you, and also you’re a 45-year-old man. In the immortal words of Aristotle: Situation, situate thyself.
Snooki kept on telling Sitch to just come clean about his suspicions. This led to an endless conversation where Sitch tried to tell the guys that he was suspicious about something, and then basically wound up saying nothing at all. Snooki fumed.
Deena had two big moments last night in an episode which was otherwise Sitch/Snooki-centric. First, at the very start of the episode, this is how she expressed her happiness at Vinny’s returning: “I love my Vincenzo. He’s a blast! Merp. Merp. Minerp merp merp!” Second, a bit later, she plugged in her hair-dryer and got a little shock. She asked Sammi, “If you get electrocuted, does it mean you get f—ed up in the head?” What ensued was a conversation that would have been adorable if you closed your eyes and imagined it was two five-year-olds:
Sammi: “You’ll be fine. Police zap criminals with their electric guns all the time.”
Deena: “Is it the same electrical, though?”
Sammi: “There’s different electrocutions?”
Deena: “I think that wall electrocution is, like, electronics. What the hell is wrong with these electronics? Things that plug in the walls, like watts or whatever they’re called?”
Remember: This is what we have evolved into. Can you blame Ronnie for dreaming of his home in the jungle, where he spends his days riding rhinos and high-fiving with his red-hatted sidekick?
NEXT: The Situation figures out who the real troublemaker isThe gang played a rousing game of Warm Beer, which resulted in Snooki’s face being covered with ambient beer ash. It was pretty funny, and a nice reminder of a time when the cast of Jersey Shore actually seemed to vaguely enjoy spending time with each other.
The next morning, The Situation was recovering from what I can only assume was one of the true Great American hangovers. He slugged his way down the stairs and sat next to Pauly D on the couch. He talked to Pauly like an old friend, an accomplice. He apologized for his strange conversation of the evening previous. He whispered in Pauly’s ear that he had finally gotten to the bottom of it all — that he knew who the real culprit was. He said, “I think I know what’s up, y’know what I mean? I know the deal.”
The Situation was like a British spy in search of a Communist double agent. He’d been on the wrong track, he explained, but now he was on the right one. “I know the deal, see, it has nothing to do with you guys, see.” He wanted to assure Pauly that he would get to the bottom of this. He wanted Pauly to know that Uncle Situation would never let him down. “It was Snooki all along!” said Sitch. “Snooki, don’t you see? Snooki! Snooki! Don’t worry, Pauly. It’s you and me, Pauly.
This was Pauly D’s reaction:
I’m often a little hard on Pauly, since he’s a cruel intergalactic sociopath whose mission is to foment disarray and initiate a societal breakdown. But it’s actually striking to see just how many emotions Pauly can express with the exact same smile. For instance, in that picture above, he seems to be thinking, “How did I suddenly find myself sitting next to a babbling hobo”?
The Situation had decided on his course. Snooki — who, you’ll recall, had only been trying to help him — had to be punished. So he got on the duck phone. “Quack quack,” he quacked, “Connect me to The Unit please, operator!” On the far end of the telephone line, The Unit responded. “Unit here,” he said, “What’s the Situation, Situation?” “Unit,” said Situation, “I need a Unit of your time.” “Consider The Unit situated!” said Unit. They’re such good friends.
So there you have it, people. After a season and a half of holding the information over Snooki’s head — like some sort of metaphorical poisoned lollipop held four feet and two inches in the air — The Situation is initiating the Jionni Protocol. But will The Situation really ruin Snooki’s life for the simple crime of trying to help him? And just what are we to make of the widening rift between J-Woww and Jolly Roger, who once upon a time seemed like the Shore couple most likely to last longer than a year? Could we be seeing a return of Single J-Woww? Quack?
Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich