The Situation and Pauly D have a stripper-ful birthday party, and poor Vinny has to return to the death house

By Darren Franich
January 27, 2012 at 04:00 AM EST
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Boss Danny could sense that something was amiss in the Shore House. Ever since the departure of humble Vin-Vin, the housemates had lost their moral compass. (Also, the median IQ dropped at least 40 points when Vinny left.) The Situation had run away from home to hide in his tree house and cry. When Danny walked into the living room, he could see signs of degradation everywhere. Snooki and Deena were playing the Burp game, which is when two people burp into each other’s mouth. (Loser vomits first!) Pauly D was over in his Sneaker Colony, shining his beautiful shoes while mumbling quietly to himself, “Maybe Vinny left because my shoes were dirty. If only I make my shoes clean, Vinny will come home.” Sammi and Ronnie appeared to be in a wholly functional relationship. It was horrible.

Like all small business owners in this miserable economy, Boss Danny had to make some difficult choices. “I’m down to six people now,” said Danny. “I’m looking for more people right now. So make room.” The housemates felt assaulted.  “There’s no room for anybody!” they protested. They were offended. They were flabbergasted. They farted with fear. Snooki had a special promise for anyone looking to join the Shore crew: “I will kill you. I don’t care if I’m small. I’ll kick you.”

Boss Danny wanted to light a fire under them. He wanted to inspire his young charges, just like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society or Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting. Picture Boss Danny hugging The Situation, whispering “It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.” And initially, the plan seemed to work. The Meatballs showed up for work and were surprisingly conscious. Unfortunately, the Meatheads were less diligent. Ronnie showed up for work late, but in uniform. The Situation showed up for work late, and not in uniform. Danny stepped things up by posting a “Help Wanted” sign outside. A girl named Melissa walked in. “How old are you?” Danny asked. “21” she said. The Situation suddenly expressed an interest in selling T-shirts. Another girl walked in and claimed to be 22. “She’s kind of cute,” said Ronnie. “But that Michael Jackson hat has to go.” Trust Ronnie. He knows bad hats.

J-Woww tried to counterattack by pulling down the Help Wanted sign. This plan failed because it was stupid. Boss Danny told her to make a new one. The Situation suggested she write: “Help Wanted: See the Old Duded.” J-Woww accurately said: “They might think it’s you.” The Situation laughed and laughed and then was suddenly flooded with memories of watching Neil Armstrong walk on the moon and being at Woodstock and taking LSD with a young Steve Jobs.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to no one, the girls were plotting the fifth birthday party for Pauly D and the first for The Situation. They had an elaborate plan which involved strippers, handcuffs, and wheelchairs. So basically, the party had a My Left Foot theme. They were dealing with a skeeveball stripper captain who called himself “The Wizard of Ass,” presumably the older brother of Rinkitink of Ass and Assma of Ass. They asked the stripper captain if he ever slept with his strippers. He had no comment. What a fun little subculture the stripper underground must be!

Anyhow, the gang brought Mike and Pauly D to a club that was really dark and shadowy, and then this happened:

“Nyeeehh,” said The Situation, “I’ll get you, Spider-Man, if it’s the last thing I do!”

A bunch of dudes sprayed silly string on them. It was just like a fraternity hazing ritual, except even more Freudian somehow.

NEXT: Boobcake and Buttcake and Strippercake, oh my!The girls had made Pauly D a Boobcake, because he likes duh boobz, and they made The Situation a Buttcake, because he’s an a–hole. If they had to make a cake for Ronnie, I like to think they would have made a cake in the shape of Ronnie’s face, and then Ronnie would have gone into the corner and covered his own face with facecake. Then they strapped the boys into wheelchairs and gave them both a stripper of their very own. Pauly D laughed with his stripper for a second. The Situation instantly fell in love with his stripper and asked her if she’d like to come home to his “room,” which as we all know is actually a sad little corner of the room The Situation shares with Pumpkinhead and Frownface.

Now, what happened next confused me. The Situation’s first move when he gets home with a nice young lady is to give her a full outfit of his own clothes. But the stripper insisted on having two matching socks. So The Situation threw her a giant mass of socks. None of them matched. I like to imagine that, when The Situation made his first million dollars, he told his minions that he wanted them to buy five hundred pairs of expensive socks, and then burn one sock from each pair. (This was immediately before he demanded a Snuggie made out of yak fur. Don’t you wish you were rich?)

The Situation was so flustered by the stripper’s sock demands that he refused to smush her. Everything about that sentence made me depressed. But you know what isn’t depressing? Bunny costumes! Snooki decided to freak out the whole house by hiding in the bathroom and scaring people. Because really, what’s more scary than a four-foot-tall bathroom rabbit with loose morals?

Thought question: Would “Jersey Shore” get better if every cast member had to wear an animal costume?

That night, the gang decided to have kind of a date night. The Situation decided to invite Paula, a girl who has the unique skill of finding The Situation charming even when she’s sober. I hope those two crazy kids make it, mostly because I’m worried that without Paula, The Situation will live for decades of lonely crankiness, swimming through a pool of his own money, until he turns 80 and starts going off on wacky adventures with his duck nephews.

At the club, Sammi got into a fight with somebody. This concludes your Sammi update for the season.

Now, the episode took a weird left turn at the end when the gang decided to go and kidnap Vinny. I’m sure they were well-intentioned, but let’s look at this from a different perspective. Let’s say that you, dear reader, are poor Vin-Vin. You’ve been living a fast life in close proximity to extreme personalities for two years now. You are feeling extremely stressed out, perhaps even depressed. You decide, quite maturely, that the only solution to your problem is to go away for awhile. You return to the loving arms of your mother. You take a few days. You begin to sleep better. The days seem a bit brighter. You can feel yourself breathing again.

Then one quiet morning, there’s a loud knock knock knock at your door. You hear people screaming your name. Then they break down the door, and as they come up the stairs, you can hear Deena yelling, “Brap! Brap! Brap! Brap!” like some sort of homicidal psycho cybernetic frog assassin. And then suddenly, they’re all inside of your room: The people from your nightmares. There’s the man with the pointy hair. There’s the man with the head like a orange bowling ball. There’s the girl with two bowling balls on her chest. There’s the munchkin twins. There’s the man who may or may not be your 45-year-old future self. There’s Sammi, who’s terrible.

Vinny wanly showed off his new tattoo: “Let Go Let God.” (Ronnie, with the line of the night: “Looks cool. No f—ing idea what it means.) I would read that tattoo as a cry for help. Vinny’s friends read it as nothing, because they’re illiterate. “Won’t you come back with us to the Shore house?” they asked, they begged. Vinny said yes, he would. On the ride back home, they mooned each other on the freeway. But the most memorable shot of the episode was of Vinny’s mom, watching her son drive away to war with a look of abject horror and sadness on her face:

“In hindsight,” thought Vinny’s mom, “I really should have pointed a sawn-off shotgun at those horrible people the moment they drove up.”

Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich

Follow Snooki, the Situation, Pauly, Ronnie, Sammi, Jwoww, Vinny, and Deena as they party, smush, and GTL
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