Jersey Shore recap: Jionni arrives, Jionni leaves
Guys, can you believe that Snooki killed a cop? I mean, yow, our gal has gotten into some bad scrapes before, but a confirmed fatality definitely takes things to the next level! Fortunately for Li’l Shnookums, life is cheap in Italy. A little bit of money in the right set of pockets can make anything disappear. We didn’t actually see it happen on last night’s episode of Jersey Shore, but I have no doubt that, when it became clear that the Italian police wouldn’t release Nicole from prison, Pauly D made a direct-line phone call to Prime Minister Silvio “Bunga Bunga Bang Bang” Berlusconi. I would imagine that Pauly offered Silvio a quid pro quo: Release Shnookums from prison, and DJ Pauly D the DJ would personally spin records the next time the Prime Minister hosted a diplomatic summit in the Federal Smush Room. You laugh, but this is exactly how politics works in the non-Scandinavian nations of Europe.
So Snooki and Deena were freed from Italian prison. Naturally, Nicole had to pay a steep cop-killing fine, and she was henceforth banned from driving anywhere in mainland Italy. Now, usually, people who have narrowly avoided life imprisonment for vehicular homicide feel a bit chastened. And Snooki did feel a little bit out of sorts when she got back to the villa. “Come along, Shnookums,” said her galpals, “Come along with us on a night of adventure!” Nicole politely declined. Perhaps she was pondering the mystery of life and death. Perhaps she wanted to make sure she didn’t smell like policeman-corpse when her darling Jionni arrived the next day.
For whatever reason, Nicole was the only person home when Brittany came buzzing. You all remember Brittany. She’s the low-self-esteem half of the Terrible Twin Team who terrorized the Jersey Shore villa in the first few episodes of this Italian season. Brittany badly wanted to see Sitch. “I like Mike because he’s different,” she explained, “He’s spontaneous.” I should note that Brittany was housed, pale-faced, legless, utterly shwasted. Snooki couldn’t quite believe that Brittany was a person. “Girl, you’re a wildebeest!” Nicole squealed. Pause to imagine hundreds of stampeding Brittany-twins crushing Mufasa beneath their powerful limbs. Horrifying.
Nicole arranged it all perfectly. She put Brittany in Sitch’s bed and covered her with a blanket. Sitch arrived home with another girl — he has a unique talent for sniffing out women who badly could have used better role models when they were children. (This is why we need to start teaching Kill Bill in kindergarten.) Mike brought his girl into his bedroom. “Say, is that a dead body?” said the young lady. (In the other room, Nicole’s thought bubble screamed: “It can’t be! Prime Minister Silvio said he’d burn the cop’s body!” I think it was Confucius who said, “She who kills an agent of justice shall never rest easy again.” Guys, Snooki killed a cop.)
But no, it was just a drunk half-twin. Sitch didn’t miss a beat. He ran the calculations. “One girl in bed = DTF, Period. Another girl not in bed = DTF Question Mark?” The new girl was sent home, Mike donned his green sex-pants, and they say Brittany’s heart grew three sizes that day. Great prank, Shnookums!
NEXT: Hi, Jionni! Bye, Jionni!Do you want to understand what a true friend is? Then look to J-Woww. The day that Jionni arrived, Snooki was feeling a bit anxious. After all, evidence had recently emerged that Nicole had carried on something vaguely resembling a Sitch smush sesh, and the entire coastal village of Riccione saw Snooki get all up on Deena for the better part of a weekend. J-Woww knew what her friend needed to calm down. “Spread your legs,” said Jenni, “I’m going on.” And then Jenni sprayed spray-tan in Snooki’s sun-don’t-shine area. That is what friendship looks like. We should all be lucky enough to have a J-Woww in our lives.
When Jionni finally arrived, Snooki flipped out. She hugged him. She petted him. She squeezed him. She rushed him inside and insisted they smush immediately. But Jionni wanted to take a shower first. None of this had anything to do with The Situation, so naturally Mike was getting suspicious. He cowered in Jenni’s room. He said, “That guy seems very curious about me. I think he knows.” Jenni didn’t know what Mike was talking about, so by way of explanation, Mike promised to kick Jionni in the face.
Thus, The Situation continued his slow transformation into the modern-day version of Dirk Diggler, the character played by Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights. Actually, now that you mention it, wouldn’t Mark Wahlberg be the perfect guy to star in We Have A Situation: The Rise and Fall of Mike Sorrentino? I mean, admittedly, Wahlberg would need to put on some old-age make-up to play The Situation, but that’s a one-way ticket to Oscarville.
Snooki was so excited to go out dancing with her boyfriend that she forgot that one of the primary functions of clothing is the ability to walk around not showing off your private parts. It was what used to set us apart from the animals, before “boutique canine clothing store” became a thing that is actual. But can you blame her for being excited? She’s in love! “Me and Jionni are going to have little Guido babies,” she said. “I hope I have a C-section, because I don’t want it to f— up my vagina.”
Over in the corner of the club, Mike’s paranoia was reaching a boiling point. “Ron, this kid’s giving me looks, dog!” he said, pointing at Jionni, who had not given Mike any looks. Hilariously, Nicole was also feeling paranoid about Mike. To her, Sitch was like a live-wire, or a rabid puppy who could bite at any moment. She was nervous. Mike was nervous. It was exactly like the Cuban Missile Crisis: The Situation was John F. Kennedy, Snooki was Nikita S. Khrushchev, and Jionni was Fidel J. Castro. And sure enough, the whole Sitch-Snooki-Jionni detente ended exactly the same way that the Cuban Missile Crisis ended.
NEXT: Wait, the Cuban Missile Crisis ended because Castro got angry when Khruschev showed off his cuca, right?It will be up to future generations to decide who was more in the wrong. On one hand, you can understand why Jionni wasn’t too thrilled that his lady love was showing most of Firenze her cuca, even if it was shockingly well-tanned (thanks, J-Woww!) After all, he’s been patient during her drinking binges; he cheered her up and taught her how to laugh again after that time she killed that cop. On the other hand, he is dating Snooki, and Snooki is not a mere mortal woman. She’s a thing of the wilderness, a beautiful bird. You have to remind yourself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice.
Jionni wasn’t in a very meditative mood, though. “You’re dancing like a f—ing whore,” he mumbled angrily, which thanks a lot, mom, if we wanted a lecture we’d watch Law & Order: SVU. At this point, it will become difficult to describe exactly what happened, since Snooki appeared to be so utterly blitzed that she actually seemed to get angry at herself whenever she said anything. Here is a direct transcript of what Nicole said as she chased after Jionni:
“Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me! Where’s my boyfriend? I don’t deserve this right now! Shut up, you stupid taxi! STUPID TAXI CAB I’M GONNA KILL YOU! I hate him! Why would he do this to me? Oh, alas, can this be the end? I should have been a pair of ragged claws, scuttling across the floors of silent seas. BURP!”
Ronnie has appointed himself the Relationship Expert because he has been in literally dozens of relationships — almost all of them with Sammi, but as we all learned from our friends at Goldman Sachs, quantity is much more important than quality. Ron tried talking to Jionni. Basically, he told Jionni: “Dude, I know what you’re going through. Because you are me, when I was with Sam!” Clearly, Jionni is a sane man, because hearing this made him run very far away from Ronnie. Then it was Jenni’s turn to chase after him. As near as I can figure, she ran all the way around Florence yelling “Jionni! Jionni! Jionni!” which is exactly how you find someone in a big city.
Snooki arrived back at the Shore villa. She was sad. Clearly, she was worried that she had killed her relationship, much like she killed that policeman. In both cases, of course, it wasn’t her fault. Snooki is not a part of our civilization. She’s not our hero. She’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark night of the soul is what she was having. When Jionni came home, she trapped him in the bathroom. “You’re so mean! I f—ing love you, you f—ing d—!” (By the way, Jionni is also tan where the sun doesn’t shine!) Jionni was having none of it. He didn’t want to date a girl who showed her cuca to just anyone. He picked up his things and left. God help me viewers, I so badly didn’t want to laugh during these very emotional moments, but right as the credits started to roll, Snooki crawled back into bed, and for one magic moment the censor smudge appeared. There lay Her Highness, Shnookums the First, flashing her cuca to the world.
NEXT: Merrie MelodiesCookoo Cuca Catastrophes from the Clan of Cantankerous Cuckoldry
–I was actually kind of sad to hear that J-Woww’s boyfriend Roger wouldn’t be traveling to Florence. Roger is essentially the only Significant Other in Jersey Shore history who seems like an even remotely likable human being. Last season, he was literally Jenni’s Knight in Shining Armor. Also, the fact that he’s not coming means that J-Woww will continue to be relegated to a Mommy role in the house. I miss the old, scrappy J-Woww. Oh well, to everything, turn turn…
–Also, whenever J-Woww cries, an angel loses its wings.
–Sitch described the male/female split at a club as “The ratio between hot dogs and hot dog buns.” Thank god barbecue season is already over.
–BURPwatch: This episode was pretty light on burps, but Brittany recorded a couple of howlers during her evening tear through the house. I like Brittany. I think she should get her own spin-off web series where she travels around the world falling into awkward non-relationships with horrible douchebags.
–The Situation has begun the process of historical revision, telling everyone that he only lost the fight against Ron because Ron got the jump on him. Pretty soon, the story will be that Ron came at him with a gang of uzi-carrying land-mermaids, and Sitch just narrowly escaped by slamming his head against the transportation beacon. Say, does Homeland Security have a protocol for uzi-carrying land-mermaids?
–Both Ronnie and Sammi said that watching Snooki and Jionni fight was basically like watching themselves fight. This is, of course, the stupidest thing that anyone has ever said about Sammi and Ronnie. Sam and Ron never got into fights about semi-logical things like cuca-flashing.
–Can you guys believe that Snooki also killed a cab driver last night? Boy, first a policeman, than a cab driver. Now she just has to kill a paramedic and a firefighter, and she’ll have completed all the annoying sub-missions in Grand Theft Auto: Firenze.
–Vinny told Snooki to cheer up. This concludes your Vinny update for the night.
–Pauly D didn’t care about anything and he wanted to eat something. This concludes your Pauly D update for the night.
–Deena. This concludes your Deena update for the month.
Fellow viewers, were you surprised to see Jionni leave so soon? Are you sad that we didn’t get to see The Situation fight him, leading to another self-administered concussion? Should Ronnie start offering people anti-advice? Also, do you think that Snooki will continue her cop-killing rampage when she returns to New Jersey, or does she specifically thirst for the blood of Italian law-enforcement personnel? These are the questions that will haunt your nightmares.
Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich
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Follow Snooki, the Situation, Pauly, Ronnie, Sammi, Jwoww, Vinny, and Deena as they party, smush, and GTL