Snooki and Deena have a passionate night of drunken rampaging and marathon smooching. Everyone else looks on in horror.
You could say that Snooki and Deena are the Coke and Pepsi of Jersey Shore, if you happen to believe that Pepsi is basically just Coke without the dignity or the underwear. (In this metaphor, The Situation is Dr. Pepper, Vinny is 7-Up, J-Woww is Cherry Coke, and Ronnie is a shaved gorilla-man who drinks Four Loko.) There are some experts who claim that Deena’s relationship with Snooki has an unhealthy Single White Female flavor, but my personal theory is that Deena has a far more complicated Tom Ripley fixation on her fellow meatball. It’s true that she wants to be Snooki, yes, but at a certain innocent level, Deena is simply, wonderfully in love with Snooki.
You could see evidence of this theory all over last night’s episode, which sent the Jersey Shore cast to the lovely seaside township of Riccione. Snooki thought Riccione reminded her a little bit of Hawaii, but also of Seaside Heights. “Maybe it’s, like, on the border of a continent,” she said. “You know what I mean? So it’s like, by the ocean.” Well, technically, Riccione is by the Adriatic Sea. But if you think about it, every sea is an ocean and no man is an island, maaaaan.
While the boys went out to find themselves some mid-afternoon cocktails and hang out with The Situation’s Italian bizarro-clone and Pauly D’s future self, the girls dressed up in summerwear and embarked on a campaign of terror. Snooki and Deena led the charge. At a pleasant outdoor bar, they were screaming “vagine.” The local population was horrified, which is strange, because all of my research indicates that the Italian Prime Minister — Silvio “Bunga Bunga Boom Boom” Berlusconi — starts and ends every speech with a loud rallying cry of “VIVA VAGINE! VIVA VAGINE! Farò l’amore a niente che si muove!“
It quickly became clear that Snooki and Deena were drinking far more than J-Woww and Sammi. Sammi was scared: “They’re creeping me out!” J-Woww was also concerned. (Fashion Interlude: Jenni was adorned in a see-through pink serape and a bright-neon-blue bikini. I didn’t think women actually wore clothes like that outside of Rob Liefeld’s imagination. Truly, we live in an inspiring world.) J-Woww tried to reason with them: Don’t let your day of drinking ruin our night of drinking! Deena and Snooki looked at her, without recognition. “Mama?” said Snooki. “Mama!” squealed Deena. J-Woww was frustrated: “Babies! They’re baaaaabies!” So she just set them loose on the mean streets of Riccione, instructing them: “Go. Play. Have Fun.“
Go, they did! Play, they did! Fun, they done had! Snooki caught a scent of bad house music on the wind and followed it to a club. They were dancing and drinking together, as if there was no one else in the world. The boys showed up, laughed, and then got the hell away. At one point, Snooki played a game where she tried to run into Deena but ran into a bush instead. It was kind of like that episode of The Simpsons where the male Simpsons relatives play the “Run Into Each Other Headfirst While Wearing a Frying Pan” game, except without the frying pan, and those were cartoon characters. Then Deena danced her underwear off, which I suppose you could call an athletic skill. I like to think that Deena’s clothes are just trying to escape.
NEXT: An all-female staging of the Myth of Narcissus, which is only marginally more annoying than the controversial all-female staging of Twelfth Night that the drama club put on at your high school.Team Meatball was now entering the landmark eighth hour of an all-day drinking marathon. I know what you’re thinking: Time for some dinner! Mind you, the boys didn’t have much faith in Deena and Snooki making it to the restaurant. “Snooki and Deena are the meatballs, and they’re not making it to the sauce,” said The Situation. We saw Sammi and J-Woww getting ready, putting on their nice clothes. We saw the lads stroll casually down the streets of Riccione, noticing some lobsters. Cut to: Snooki and Deena lying on the side of the road, looking like a couple of hobos who just escaped from a Vittorio De Sica movie.
Somehow, the girls actually made it to the restaurant, but only after the rest of the cast had had a six-course meal. Actually, it was pretty funny to see the other housemates complain so much about Team Meatball, considering that the three main leisure activities for Jersey Shore castmates are “drinking,” “fighting,” and “making love in a pile of syphilitic vomit.” But seriously, Snooki and Deena were housed. Here’s a direct transcript of their conversation:
Deena: “I rilly miss you…spaceman.”
Snooki: “Whaddya gonna do. Whaddaya gonna do.”
Deena: “Did you? How’s the…gooooooooo!”
Snooki: [pensive] “Whatever.”
Also, Deena apparently decided that she didn’t need underwear anymore. Perhaps she felt like her panties betrayed her, and that betrayal made her despise the entire Undergarment species. J-Woww was horrified, but she explained demurely: “All I know is that Deena needs a wax.” Sammi was less demure: “All I see in the reflection of this glass is straight vagine. Straight vagina.” (Fun fact that Sammi doesn’t know: vagine is actually the plural of vagina in Italian.)
We’ve now reached the philosophical crux of the episode. Deena was Jersey Turnpiking Snooki and generally just dancing all up in her. Then, apropos of nothing except for Deena’s deep-rooted lust for Snooki, they started making out. Or, as J-Woww put it, “They’re digesting each other’s tongues.” Vinny and Pauly watched them make out through the branches like a couple of schoolboys. Vinny: “Deena is on top of Nicole, and she’s not wearing any underwear.” Pauly D: “Lez be honest, here!”
Deena and Snooki continued making out in the car, leading to the immortal shot of J-Woww and Sammi — who, you’ll remember, were once mortal enemies — looking fantastically uncomfortable sitting next to the Makeout Meatballs. I vaguely suspect that, if they weren’t such serial monogamists, J-Woww and Sammi might have caught the spirit of the night and given each other a handsy no-tongue smooch. But it was not to be. Sammi said, “I felt like I was watching porn for 20 hours,” and we all know what that’s like: Fun for two hours, then boring for four hours, then existentially inquisitive for five hours, and then just terrible for the remaining nine hours.
NEXT: But what will Jionni say?Deena and Snooki actually slept together, although I should note that in this case “slept” basically meant “spooned on the advice of their doctor, so that if they vomited in their sleep they would just vomit on the bed and/or each other.” Brief Non-Meatball Interlude: The next morning, Ronnie woke up everyone with a cheap bargain-store imitation of Pauly D’s wake-up call. Pauly noted that Ronnie was engaging in a process of “swacking,” which stands for “swagger-jacking” and is my new favorite word. “Sometimes, the stuff I do is contagious,” said Pauly, which I read as a subtle admission that Pauly is Patient Zero for an epidemic that will turn all of our hair into a shiny metallic substance. Ronnie, however, insisted that nothing could be further from the truth: “I’m gonna put on the record now that I am not a Swacker.” Hey Ron-Ron: I didn’t buy it when Nixon said it, and I’m not buying it now.
The Meatball Makeout Muppets slept for much of the next day. Vinny woke them up, noting, “It smells like hot sweat and regret in here.” Neither girl remembered anything about last night, which gave their long smooch sesh a kind of hindsight tragedy. Clearly, Deena is only really capable of expressing her love under the cruel guidance of alcohol. Snooki, for her part, was just a bit nervous about how boyfriend Jionni would respond. Jionni, you’ll remember, started the episode off with the smartest thing a Significant Other has ever said on Jersey Shore: When Snooki noted that her roommates were all complaining about him, Jionni said: “Every one of you guys is absolutely out of your mind.”
How would he respond to this betrayal? Naturally, everyone had to be around when Snooki called him to apologize. Pauly looked like a kid in a candy store, with his legs excitably crossed on the sofa. Strike that: He looked like a kid in a candy store who badly has to go to the bathroom, but he’s been waiting in line all day to try a new flavor of Gobstopper, and he absolutely refuses to get out of line because he’s so excited. (Do they still make Gobstoppers? Why does “Gobstopper” sound so dirty the more I say it?)
Alas, there were no pyrotechnics. Maybe Snooki caught Jionni at a good moment, or maybe he genuinely doesn’t care if his galpal makes out with other ladies, or maybe he realized that this conversation would probably be viewed by 8 million people. In any case, everything ended happily for the Meatball Sisters…
…until, in a last-minute twist that totally changed everything you thought you understood about the episode, Snooki went out for a drive and ran over Anne Hathaway. (Oh, I’m only spoiling you for your own good.) No, I’m just kidding. She actually killed a cop. Seriously, if you want to explain this episode to your children someday, just tell them to imagine crazy pair of drunken lesbian clones with orange skin going on a cop-killing rampage through the mean streets of Florence. The fast editing of the car-crash sequence made it look like a John Frankenheimer movie. Snooki wasn’t carrying a driver’s license or any documentation besides a bargain business card that had “Snukee” written across the front in big Silian Rail lettering. So they put her in chains and took her off to prison, leaving Vinny on the side of the road, sheepishly waving papers in the air.
NEXT: Merrie MelodiesSundry Screwy Stuff from a Weekend in Riccione
–The girls and Mike all packed several suitcases full of clothes for a couple of days at the beach, meaning they had to spend a long, long time latching the suitcases to the top of the car. I kept on hoping this would result in an elaborate sight gag, with the suitcases falling all across the freeway. Once again, I was confusing Jersey Shore with an old Charlie Chaplin film.
–Seriously, can someone explain to me how you dance your panties off? Aren’t panties, and in fact all types of underwear, specifically designed so they can not be danced out of? Has Consumer Reports heard about this?
–I counted at least two BURPs in this episode. I don’t think anyone used to BURP on this show. Actually, I might be crazy, but I think the sound effects team is just reusing the same BURP over and over again. My hope is that, by the end of season 5, there are whole conversations that sound like this:
Ronnie: “BURP BURP BURP?”
Sitch: “BURP BURP smush BURP.”
Snooki: “BURP BURP. Kucha. BURP.”
–I’m pretty sure that, every episode of this season, Vinny has said something to the effect of: “Yeah, you know, clubs and music and beautiful women, Italy is just like New Jersey.” Dude. We get it. Everything is everything. Move on.
–Vinny wins for non sequitur line of the night: “Look at these lobster! These are dinosaurs!”
–Vinny also wins for comeback of the night. Deena: “I need a food.” Vinny: “You didn’t eat enough last night?” Vin-Vin with the zing-zing!
–Snooki and Deena successfully hid in tiny trashcans at the pizzeria. See why I keep confusing this show with a Charlie Chaplin movie?
Viewers, can you believe that Snooki killed a cop? Do you think she’ll try to bribe the authorities, or will this season take a weird turn into Brokedown Palace territory? Is Deena secretly coming to terms with her bisexuality, or this all just a long-con plan for switching her face with Snooki’s, Travolta-style? Lastly, have you or someone you know have been victims of a Swacker? Then please, do not hesitate to call the anti-Swacker hotline at 1-800-NOSWACK. Hee. Swack.
Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich