Jane the Virgin recap: 'Love bites'
I’m not sure how Jane the Virgin writers plan to end the series, but they are taking their sweet time unpacking the romantic storylines on this show. It seems everyone is on the struggle bus when it comes to his or her significant other (or formerly dead spouse) and there are no solutions in sight.
Jane is still confused about her feelings toward Michael and pines over old pictures as she sits in her sweats on Alba’s couch. Xo and Alba don’t feel sorry for her a bit. Remember, Rafael kicked her out of the house. He doesn’t want to see her. Jane should explore that big green light and see where it takes her!
Alba is all for exploring complicated romances. Since Jorge moved in, she’s been lusting after him, muttering sweet Spanish nothings under her breath. Someone needs to see some action. It might as well be Jane.
Through all of the peer pressure, Jane sends Michael a simple text and he calls her back immediately. Jane answers and listens as Michael asks to see her that afternoon. She puts him on hold and rattles off a list of concerns. Xo stares as her daughter quickly runs through any and all awkward scenarios, including the fact that Rafael kicked her out.
Jane finishes her train of thought by joking if she should wear her wedding lingerie? Then she looks down and realizes that Michael has been on speaker phone, not mute, this entire time. I might die for Jane. Right now. Just melt into the floor.
Michael (through the speaker) agrees to meet Jane. Only, this isn’t a date by any means. He takes Jane to the police station to his friend Dennis’ office and they discuss the mysterious string of numbers that is a big clue pointing to the reason Rose shot Michael in the first place. Dennis suggests he and Jane walk through the day (the day he died) to see if any details come back from when he bumped into Rose, who was wearing Eileen’s face.
Michael tries to get Jane to open up about Rafael, but she squashes that conversation before it even starts. Instead, Jane recalls the last thing she said to Michael before he left the house to go to the coffee shop that fateful day. She remembers handing him a vintage lunch box and telling her husband how proud she was before he walked out the door.
After making fun of the lunch box, which hurts Jane’s feelings, Michael reminds her that those were not the last words spoken. Their last exchange was Michael telling Jane to get gas before her meeting. Jane relives the moment and admits that he did have the last word. She also remembers the good luck email she sent him while she was pumping gas.
Michael agrees and mentions something about a response to her email. Jane, of course, is beside herself. She would have remembered a response. She would have obsessed over a response. The last email her husband sent? She would have it memorized!
Suddenly Jane’s phone rings. It’s Mateo’s karate teacher telling Jane that Rafael didn’t show up to pick Mateo up from practice. She rushes to the dojo and runs into Rafael looking rumpled and unbathed. Let the record show that a disheveled Rafael is still a hot Rafael.
He’s clearly angry that the teacher called Jane, but he quickly changes gear when he realizes that she can shepherd all the kids home and he can go back to being depressed. Jane settles the twins and Mateo in the backseat and is appalled when Mateo asks her about drugs. Exactly where did he learn that term?
The twins, of course. Ellie and Anna chime in that, “Daddy has a real pill problem.” When Jane tries to pass them off as aspirin or vitamins, the twins assure her that it’s a bigger issue since his pills are on the top shelf of the bathroom cabinet, out of reach for children. Also, they watch a lot of inappropriate shows about the opiate crisis in America.
Someone get Ellie and Anna a sitcom of their own. I would watch them all day. All day long.
Jane takes the girls home and immediately runs to Petra to enlist her help. She questions if Rafael is in a dark place, to which Petra assures her that he very much is in a dark place. Jane dumped him for heaven’s sake! Jane takes that dig with grace and then reports that the kids have seen Raf taking pills. Petra promises to talk to him.
But first, she watches as JR’s friend Leona scans her security system for proof that Milos has been hacking her emails. As Leona works, Petra starts praising Leona’s tattoos and mentions that she might get a rescue dog for the girls. Leona’s not an idiot. She knows that the only tattoo Petra would ever get is a lower back butterfly. And by the looks of her, Petra isn’t really a dog person.
Petra has been InstaStalking Leona and the tattoo queen is not happy. She storms out of Petra’s office, leaving JR shaking her head. Petra’s defense? She wants to be friends with JR’s friends. JR laughs, noting that Petra isn’t the type to frequent the places Leona frequents. To prove JR wrong, Petra buys some jeans. Oh, she will party in the club. Just call her Shawty.
Before she gets her groove on, Petra runs by Rafael’s place to point blank ask if he’s on drugs. We don’t see Rafael’s response, but we do know that Petra is covering for Rafael when Jane asks what’s going on. Petra instructs Jane to leave it alone since she’s handling it. The kids are fine. If Rafael wanted Jane to know what’s going on, he would tell her.
Back at Alba’s house, Jane reminds Michael of his computer password, which helps him verify that he indeed sent Jane a response to her email. It turns out, they were both right. Jane never received the email because it was still in Michael’s draft folder. Why? Because at the moment he was about to send it is when he literally ran into Eileen.
They head to the coffee shop to see if anything jogs Michael’s memory and it works. He remembers picking up Eileen’s phone to hand back to her and noticing that the name Buttercup was a user name on a website. After a bunch of Princess Bride references, Michael believes that Eileen/Rose has her own version of Silk Road, which is essentially Craigslist for bad people looking to make a little cash.
Jane is upset for several reasons. One, this is scary stuff. Two, there’s a car that’s been following them and a big scary dude just got out and is heading their way! Jane and Michael run to the luggage room of the Marbella. Jane chooses this tense time to berate Michael for not telling her that he was still investigating Rose. Was he lying to her that entire time?
Michael wasn’t technically lying. He was just perceptive. Plus, he left the force because Jane wanted him to leave. Not because he hated being a cop.
Their conversation is interrupted by Dennis, who clarifies that the big scary dude is actually a bodyguard they have on Michael duty. Although Jane is happy she’s safe, she’s saddened by the fact that Michael quit his job because of her. She realizes that Michael didn’t want to take the LSAT, he had been lying, and it’s all her fault. What are they doing?
Michael lets Jane know that he did it all for her. He was happy. Jane counters with the cold hard truth: “But you wouldn’t be happy now.” Jane knows that Michael has changed. He’s different.
The darn phone rings again, and surprise surprise, Rafael has forgotten Mateo’s art project for school. Jane leaves one problem to head for another. When she goes into the house to retrieve Mateo’s work, she can’t help but snoop around in the medicine cabinet, looking for opiates. There is a crisis, you know.
Rafael discovers her and chastises Jane for invading his privacy. He insists that he’s just not feeling well and then asks her to leave. Again. Jane obeys and then texts Petra to report her conversation with Rafael. Petra demands that Jane mind her own business.
The Villanueva women are struggling. Since chemotherapy, Xo has zero sex drive. Although Rogelio is being very sweet, Xo feels terrible. She complains to her mom and Alba responds back with some helpful advice: Get a vibrator.
I’ve never been more embarrassed in my entire life. Neither has Xo.
Alba provides all sorts of unnecessary details and I’m thrilled when Xo essentially kicks her out. Alba returns home and is greeted with a sensual kiss from Jorge. She is all about this newfound romance and grabs Jorge’s butt to prove it. Jorge untangles himself from Alba’s tentacles, pointing that they have company. Say hello to the immigration officers who are doing a surprise home visit.
Luckily, they pass the interview. But with the lingering effects of Jorge’s kiss still on her lips, Alba comes clean. She admits that she still has feelings for him and she hoped he would too. But she knows that it’s not meant to be. She will help him but after everything is squared away, he has to leave. Poor Alba.
Let’s review: Alba is hurt, Jane is confused, Xo is sad, and Petra is desperate. She thinks she can win JR’s friends over by proving that she’s not posh. Jane shows up at the club and Petra whisks her away so they can fight in private, away from the women she’s trying to impress. Jane wants answers. So Petra gives them to her. She is mad because Jane didn’t send Michael away when she told her too. As a result, Rafael is depressed. He’s taking anti-depressants.
Jane apologizes to Petra and promises to try to do better. Petra receives this as an invitation to help her out in her moment of need. She drags Jane up on stage to prove to JR and her friends that she can dance her way into a free bottle of champagne. After Jane teaches Petra to “spell your name with your butt,” the girls put on quite the show and impress everyone.
Except Leona. She still thinks Petra is snobby and uptight and is afraid that she’s going to break JR’s heart again. Petra just can’t win.
Neither can Jane. When she apologizes to Rafael for going through his medicine cabinet, he asks for space. He doesn’t want to see Jane until she’s supposed to pick Mateo up in the next three days. Jane is heartbroken. And what does Jane do when she’s sad? She cries on the porch swing with her mom and grandmother.
Meanwhile, Michael and Dennis chase the Princess Bride lead with the user name Buttercup, and come up empty-handed, thanks to Rose’s sidekick on the outside who shut the site down before the police could figure anything out. Even though they know how Rose is making her money, she doesn’t seem to care. Rose vows that Michael is irrelevant and instructs the sidekick to “move up the timeline.”
Michael and Jane chit chat about memories and Jane apologizes for remembering him as the old Michael. He’s different. And you know what? She’s different, too.
Michael agrees, but adds that there are things that are still the same. Like how she makes him feel when she walks into a room and how he wants nothing more than to hold her hand. Then he claims they will never know who they could be as long as they are in Miami. They are surrounded by the ghosts of their past.
So he invites her to come with him to Montana for the weekend. Since her baby Daddy doesn’t want to see her for a couple of days, Jane agrees to go. Could this be the spark of a new relationship? Will Jane become a cowgirl and build a home on the range? Here’s hoping we see some wacky antics on a horse. And PLEASE someone throw a bucket of ice water on Alba.