Chapter Eighty-Four
Credit: Scott Everett White/The CW

We are barely into the final season of Jane the Virgin. You didn’t think the writers would be content with our heroine waving goodbye to Jason as he strolled off into the Montana sunset, did you? Jane admitted that her life was a telenovela. Of course, she’s going to have to make the gut-wrenching, life-changing, extremely difficult decision to choose Rafael or Michael.

That’s right. MICHAEL.

But first, we have to deal with Jason. He shows up at Jane’s door with flowers and all the necessities for a good old fashioned country picnic. He wants to take “his wife” on a date to make sure the spark is really dead because, after that kiss on the dance floor, Jason is not so sure.

Jane is all the way sure and shoos Jason out the door before Mateo sees him because newsflash: Mateo doesn’t know Michael/Jason is alive. Jane would rather not scar her child for life. She turns around and is faced with another dilemma.

Remember when River handed Xo a piece of paper that startled her into issuing forth a cautionary “Noooo” from the depths of her soul? Xo shares the revelation with Alba and Jane. It seems River makes twice as much money as Rogelio. The three Villanueva women put their heads together and decide Jane is the best candidate to break the news. Particularly when Xo plays the cancer card.

Rogelio reacts as you would expect. He behaves like a small child. I should mention that the small child can’t be Mateo, because that little guy is handling the discovery that Michael/Jason is alive with dignity. Sure he screams his head off, but after the initial shock wears off, the five-year-old asks some mature questions.

Question: How do people come back to life?
Answer: He wasn’t technically dead.

Question: Why doesn’t he remember us?
Answer: He fell and bumped his head and has amnesia.

Question: Is Mommy still married to Michael?
Answer: Legally, but not really.

Question: What about me and Daddy? Will you forget us?
Answer: Never!

Later at the Marbella, Petra and Jane are surprised to learn that Mateo and the twins have been arguing non-stop in the Kid’s Club. Mateo hits Anna. Anna screams at him, “DO NOT TOUCH MY BODY!” Jane looks at Petra with wide eyes and listens as Petra defends her girls by explaining that she taught them to protect themselves. Jane instructs Mateo to use his words. Elsa kicks Mateo on behalf of her sister before Jane physically hauls Mateo away. Petra calls across the lobby for her to discipline her kid instead of coddling him.

That’s good advice. Someone needs to tell it to Rogelio. After learning that gender equality is a big issue in Hollywood, Rogelio decides he should be represented, too. He pleads his case to River, who responds back with a soliloquy worthy of an Emmy nomination. She’s the bigger deal in the United States. She deserves the higher paycheck. She’s finally equal to her male counterparts.

Rogelio is livid. He can’t believe that no one is listening to his side of the story and takes his anger out on a box that’s just sitting around on the set. Unfortunately, when he turns to kick said box, he accidentally boots River in the face. Why was she on the ground behind the box? Was she spying? Looking for a contact lens? Participating in some light yoga? It doesn’t matter. What you need to know is half of River’s face is now paralyzed for the time being. Whoops.

While Rogelio does some major damage control, Jane suffers through an exhaustive text message exchange with Petra. Both send each other helpful articles that bend toward their view of parenting. Jane’s views are loving and nurturing. Petra’s are firm and demanding. By some miracle, they eventually send each other the exact same article and agree to try out the technique with the kids the next day.

The family must sit in a neutral space. In this instance, it’s a tent in the middle of Petra’s penthouse. Whoever is holding the feeling stick has permission to speak. No one can criticize. Everyone will be heard.

Mateo goes first and sheepishly confesses that he feels left out. The twins justify their right to ostracize Mateo and all hell breaks loose. Through a tangle of limbs, Jane and Petra manage to remove the kids from the tent and send everyone to his or her own corner. When the twins walk together to the same corner, Jane asks them to separate. Petra gives them permission to stay together. Can someone check Google for a codependency article?

If the miniature Fight Club wasn’t enough, Jason shows up to ask Jane out again. Jane wonders if a coffee date would count as a reason to hand over the divorce papers? Jason is not willing to negotiate. His final offer? A fishing date.

Jane laughs and then refuses. Jason considers that Jane might be hell-bent on not spending time with him because she knows she will “catch more than fish.” For those of you playing along at home, that means Jane will catch feelings for him.

Challenge accepted. Jane agrees to fish on a lake in a boat with a rod and hooks and worms. Anything for the divorce papers. Anything to prove that she does not have feelings for Jason.

Do you know who else doesn’t have feelings? River. But the show must go on. The entire cast and crew are amazed by River’s willingness and ability to act with just one side of her face. With some careful camera angles, River and Rogelio still command their performances. What bravery! What talent! And how in the world did Brooke Shields get her mouth to contort that way?

Rogelio tells Xo that River is a rock star. He praises her commitment to her craft, noting that she deserves every dollar she has been promised. With that said, Rogelio feels he deserves to be paid well, too. It’s his project. He’s been fighting for years. Rogelio has always wanted to be famous in America. Why is he trying so hard to receive validation from a country who doesn’t value or accept him or his culture?

Valid point, Rogelio.

Once Rogelio explains his viewpoint to River, she claims she will fight for equal pay for Rogelio. She wants to stand beside her co-worker with her head held high. Naturally, it turns out that she’s doing it for the publicity, but whatever. Rogelio will take it.

Meanwhile, on a calm body of water in a tiny little boat, Jane works to make her date with Jason the fastest in the history of the world. After sending Rafael to the Marbella to spend time with the girls (and Petra), she’s eager to get those divorce papers. So is Rafael. Especially when Jason confronts him, claiming Jane is his wife. Jason doesn’t like that he died and Rafael came swooping in. Doesn’t Rafael know Jane is Jason’s soulmate?

Is Jane Jason’s soulmate? Do the feelings transfer to the physical body when the soul isn’t really into it anymore? Jane’s not so sure. Jason is totally different from Michael. He likes guns and horses and fishing and camping. Jason doesn’t like when Jane talks all the time and has trouble keeping up with her telenovela life.

Even when Jason sidles up behind Jane to help teach her how to properly cast, there are no butterflies. The editors didn’t have to CGI the red glowing lights above her heart. She feels nothing. How do we know? Because she tells Petra. In the tent. Holding the feeling stick.

At first, Jane tries to clear the air with Petra in regard to Rafael. She apologizes for dominating his time and totally understands why Petra would feel left out. Petra barks back at Jane, informing her that she is the reason Petra feels left out. Jane hasn’t confided in her about anything, let alone the return of Michael/Jason.

Jane is dumbfounded. Petra cares? She wants to know about Jason? Does she even like Jane?

Of course, Petra likes Jane. They even have a bonding moment where they hug each other like sisters. Jane lays all the Jason details out for Petra and looks expectantly at her friend for answers. The bottom line: Touching Jason is like touching a stranger. Petra quickly points out, “Because he is a stranger.”

And that’s okay.

Jane listens when Petra advises her to let Jason go back to Montana. She doesn’t owe it to him to help Jason regain his memory. She needs to protect her own heart and her family. So Jane knocks on Jason’s door and takes him up on the proposition he made weeks ago when he offered to leave her alone for good. Distance is the only way she can move on.

Jason agrees and apologizes for pushing her before. He just saw this great girl, who happened to be his wife, and wondered what it would be like to be in love. But you can’t force it. Plus, he couldn’t stand someone talking to him as much as Jane babbles.

That night, Jane and Rafael have some grown-up time. She receives a text from Petra that she and JR are talking again, thanks to Jane’s advice to “accidentally” butt dial JR to see if she responds back, which she did. Then Rafael and Jane talk about having more kids. Both would love to adopt! Look how happy everyone is in episode 3!

The next morning, Jason arrives at Jane’s house with the divorce papers in hand. He’s leaving for Montana the next day but wanted to gift Jane with a fishing pole. How romantic.

Jane longingly looks into Jason’s eyes and reminds him that he is a good person who deserves a good life. Then she hands him back the fishing pole because she will never use it.

Before he turns away to leave, Jane envelopes him in a sweet yet sad hug goodbye. She shuts the door and as Michael turns back toward the driveway, the top of the fishing pole catches the ceiling, prompting white paint shavings to fall onto his shoulders. Suddenly, dozens of flashbacks bombard his mind. Mental pictures of Jane laughing, crying, and kissing. Glimpses of dates, an engagement, and a wedding.

The CGI team kicks it up a notch to really make his heart glow several shades of red and pink. A smile creeps across his face. His eyes swell with huge tears.

Hello Michael! We’ve missed you!

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Jane the Virgin
A telenovela adaptation, Jane the Virgin tells the story of Jane Villanueva, a virgin who is accidentally inseminated during a routine checkup.
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