Like it or not, we all have different personality traits, labels, or idiosyncrasies we’re identified by in any given situation. Case in point: Jane was a virgin for several seasons. But now, according to the ever-evolving opening title slide, Jane is a roommate, thanks to Rafael’s sudden need for a place to lay his freshly cut hair after being kicked out of the Marbella by his evil sister Luisa.
Normally this new living arrangement wouldn’t bother Jane, but her baby daddy’s own label transition from Zen Rafael to Jack Wagon Rafael is infuriating. Especially since Luisa froze all of Rafael’s funds, which made Mateo’s tuition check bounce. Not only that, but Alba is standing firm in the Team Rafael camp, referring to their relationship as “friends with benefits.” After all, Alba trades a roof over Rafael’s head for fitness tips. Plus, she’s doing his laundry. What is Jane supposed to do?
Blow off some steam with her hot new boyfriend, that’s what. Mom Jane turns into Fun Jane the minute she walks into Adam’s loft. She schools all of his friends in beer pong, endearing herself to everyone in the room. Adam enjoys both her Bruce Wayne and Batman personalities, excited that he gets to be her Alfred. I would have gone with Wonder Woman and Diana Prince, but I guess a millionaire dark vigilante is just as thrilling.
While Jane dabbles in the joy of frat boy games, Rafael and Petra swing in the opposite direction. Both have adopted a “mature relationship voice” that employs all of the touchy-feely words one might learn in couples counseling. Each try to gently persuade the other of their plans to secure private investors so they don’t have to sell their shares of the Marbella to Luisa. Petra wants to ask her ex-boyfriend Chuck. Rafael wants to approach rich, single, hotel maven Katherine Cortes. Both “hear what you are saying” and neither “feel comfortable” with the idea and would prefer a “joint resolution that promotes compromise.” I agree with Jane. Mature Relationship Petra and Rafael are B-O-R-I-N-G.
Rafael chooses to not dip into his newfound relationship tone with Jane. Instead they fight over text message (we know because they use all caps) in the same room while putting Mateo to bed. After a terrible experience at the local public school, Jane asks Rafael if he will consider sending Mateo to a local Catholic school. It will cost them, but the tuition is significantly less than private school. Rafael refuses because he’s convinced he will get the Marbella back and this entire conversation will be moot.
Once again, Jane’s frustrations take her straight to Adam. She wants to take their relationship to the next level, but her slinky peach “come hither” dress is wasted on Career Adam’s news: He’s just been offered a dream job in Los Angeles. Jane feigns happiness, wishing him all the luck in the world. Her eyes pop when he says, “If you want me to stay, I will. In a heartbeat.”
I see you, writers. You are trying to make me love Adam as much as I loved Michael. I think you should know that I’m going to need a little more time before I throw my hat into his ring.
Adam has been given 72 hours to decide. Which means that Jane has 72 hours minus a few minutes to see if he fits into her and Mateo’s life. How will this ever work? Darci has a solution. Jane should fill out one of her compatibility quizzes where an algorithm tells you if someone is your soulmate.
Do those work? Also, why is Darci in the room giving Jane advice? Great question. Darci lives with Xo and Rogelio. It would appear that she did not go into labor last week, due to a complication resulting in bed rest and Darci lounging on Xo’s couch. Fun times for everyone! #sarcasm
Rogelio is slowly going mad now that he has to put up with Darci every day. Work isn’t better. Remember Fabian? The younger, ab-tastic version of Rogelio? Well the relationship reaches a breaking point when Fabian has the audacity to roll in a cake sporting a nude photo of himself with a cat strategically placed in front of his nether regions. A) How dare you? B) That pose is soooo 2014. (See Rogelio’s Twitter account from three years ago.) Rogelio declares that he will never shoot another scene with Fabian again. The writers agree. That’s why they are going to kill one of them off. A focus group of women will decide their fates.
I know! Just like a telenovela! (Recap continues on page 2)