Although everyone seems to be locking lips these days, no one is having more fun than Jane and Rafael. Sneaking around trying to find covert places to make out proves to be both titillating and annoying. There have been several close calls between secret rendezvous at the Villanueva house, as well as the supply closet at the Marbella. But Jane and Raf are determined to keep their clandestine relationship under wraps for the time being.
Jane celebrates her last day serving as the manager of the Marbella lounge in order to concentrate on her new job of ghostwriting for Petra. She’s ahead of schedule and brunch with the family has never been so fun. Life is good. If only Petra and Rafael were on decent terms, life would be really good.
Luckily, Rafael accepts Petra’s apology for not telling him about his sister being in a mental hospital when she knew Luisa was tricked into a false diagnosis. Unfortunately, the reconciliation occurs after Petra is arrested for her sister’s murder. Both Janes arrive at the station to pick up Petra — one a former virgin and one an attorney we call JR to make life easier.
Upon seeing JR, our little jail bird melts into a graphic fantasy about her lawyer. She snaps out of it just in time for JR to inform them that the missing screws from the balcony, where Anezka fell, were found in Petra’s desk. Only one person could be so bold as to plant evidence and that’s Petra’s mother. To top things off, Petra’s publisher puts a pin in the book after hearing about her arrest. Jane’s writing career suddenly vanishes. How many people can be screwed in one scenario?
Later, everyone gathers into the dining room for an impromptu Villanueva job fair. Jane considers teaching, Xo thinks about event planning, Rafael contemplates real estate, and Rogelio brainstorms female actresses to star opposite him in the American version of his telenovela. The studio’s recommendation of River Fields just won’t do.
For days Rogelio fields calls between Teri Hatcher, Nicollette Sheridan, and other members of the cast of Desperate Housewives. He creates a list of suitable co-stars who still have use of their facial muscles and presents it to the studio heads. Of course they want the holy grail of actresses who remains just out of Rogelio’s reach. He tells Xo that if he can land Eva Longoria, the show will be green lit in a heartbeat. Xo wishes her husband luck and heads out to teach hip-hop with an attractive fellow dance instructor named Brad.
Interesting. Why are we given so much information about this Brad character?
Meanwhile, Jane learns from her writing teacher/mentor that an old colleague is looking for someone to fill in a few classes at the college. It just so happens that the colleague is Professor Chavez. Remember him? The handsome guy Jane almost lost her virginity to but cried helplessly instead during grad school? Yeah. That guy.
After Jane arranges to meet him, hopeful that her dignity will remain intact this time, she entertains a little sexy time with Rafael. Not only does she pull a muscles doing the deed, but her mom interrupts the fun. Jane and Raf exit her room looking all sweaty, blaming the pulled muscle limp on a ornery dresser drawer. Xo ignores all the signs that point to amorous activities and tells Jane that she’s thinking of going back to school.
Mom and daughter head to college together, trying to better their futures. Jane meets Chavez’s current grad students, basks in the glory of being called a published author, and arranges to be a guest seminar in a class. That’s one in the victory column! Xo melts into her chair during a class visit after being called to answer a question. Even though she’s just checking out art history to see if she likes it, she’s never felt more old or uneducated. That’s one in the defeat column.
Petra’s life isn’t much better. JR finally admits that she’s been two-timing her. A long time ago, she tampered with evidence to get a client off. Someone found out about the transgression and threatened to expose JR. The mystery person behind the burner phones believes the “scales should be evened out.” JR was tasked with doing everything she could to get Petra in jail.
Petra naturally flies off the handle and threatens to have her lawyer disbarred. JR hands over all of the correspondence from the job, promising that she is not the one who planted the screws. Petra peruses the file and notices one of the photos includes a right hand in the shot. Magda has a hook for a hand. This couldn’t be her mother. Or, she could be working with someone. Petra informs JR that she will find a way to render the screws inadmissible in court or she will call the American Bar Association. Who’s screwed now?
When Rafael’s real estate interview turns out to be a dud, he focuses on a silver lining: A friend is going to help him pitch a piece of underdeveloped property to some venture capital investors. Jane is a touch disappointed that he turned down a perfectly good job to take on something risky. Rafael’s tongue down her throat helps keep her mind off of worrying.
Here comes Alba! She texts Jane, assuming she’s out of the house, and asks if she can borrow a book in Jane’s room. The love birds shuffle into Jane’s closet while Alba finds the book and then proceeds to get comfy on Jane’s bed. Jane and Rafael text their thoughts back and forth. Rafael admits that he is irritated that Jane can’t support him for wanting something bigger in his life.
The next day, Jane preps her lecture and spies Chavez making out with a young grad student. Call it what you want, but it seems pretty skeevy. Sure this girl may have had the same connection that Jane had back in the day, but Jane feels it’s necessary to do a little light internet stalking just to be sure.
Speaking of stalking, Rogelio is a master of all things Eva Longoria. In fact, with his extensive research, he learned that he and Eva are distant relatives. Since Eva is pregnant, she feels a closeness to family and agrees to have a meeting with Rogelio. And her three assistants who cater to her every need, including reminder her when it’s time to pass gas. It’s good for the baby. I wonder if Rogelio told her that?
Eva thinks that Rogelio’s project sounds interesting. The script needs a little work, but she’s confident she can bring the character to life. She only needs a screen test. For Rogelio. Just in case he can’t rise up to her level. For once, Rogelio bows to greatness and agrees to the test.
Back on campus, Jane debates if she should tell Chavez’s grad student Marissa what a tool he’s being. It turns out that Chavez has a reputation for dating young grad students. Jane is unable to concentrate during her lecture because Marissa is listening in on the class. When the class ends, Jane intercepts Marissa and through a series of lost in translation moments, Marissa thinks Jane is coming on to her. It doesn’t help that Jane’s bump and grind injury causes her to trip and inadvertently grab Marissa’s chest. Awkward.
We find Jane defending herself to the class professor, as well as Chavez. She modifies her defense to give and impromptu scolding to her former crush, chastising the sexual dynamic between a student and a professor. She ends by proclaiming a relationship like that would be entirely inappropriate and one she would never enter. Then she finds Marissa and tells her the truth about Chavez, because if Jane was in her shoes, she would want to know.
Across town, Rogelio mentally prepares to make out with Eva Longoria. While the cameras are set up, both learn that they have the same great aunt, which makes them regular cousins, instead of fifth cousins once removed. I think Rogelio could have powered through the kissing cousin moment, but Eva taps out. Or she has one of her assistants tap out.
Rogelio packs a bag to go out of town so he can beg River Fields, his arch nemesis, to be his new Eva Longoria. I fully support this decision because Brooke Shields is everything. Rogelio asks Xo if she can watch Baby, but Xo is not having it. She berates Rogelio for not supporting her. She wants someone who cares about what she wants in life. Xo storms out of the door and into the apartment of Hip-Hop Brad. Now I get it.
To pile on top of the bad news, Rafael’s friend cut him out of the deal and Jane doesn’t get the teaching job because of the boob fiasco. Rafael sees the silver lining and is eager to start again. Jane confesses that she’s relieved. She doesn’t want to teach. She wants to write. Rafael encourages her to do just that and Jane smiles. Rafael is the only thing she is sure about in her life and she wants the world to know. Let’s DTR and make it official on Facebook!
Last but not least, JR finds a loophole for the judge to rule the screws inadmissible in court. Petra dictates a text message for JR to send to the mysterious burner phone owner. She instructs JR to tell them that she wants to meet in person.
Either way this deal goes down, someone is about to get screwed.