Jane tries out dating, and Michael finds out he's been hiding something

By Ariana Bacle
February 02, 2016 at 05:12 AM EST
Tyler Golden/The CW
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Note to new parents: Never let your baby near a computer. Ever. 

In last week’s episode, Mateo accidentally pressing a button on his mom’s laptop keyboard led to his mom accidentally friending Michael’s new girl. Nightmares do come true! And this week, his technology-related offense is arguably even worse. Jane heads to the kitchen to tell her family that she’s finally cracked her novel — hooray! — when they realize Mateo is missing. Any moment where Mateo’s location is in question is almost unbearably tense thanks to that little stunt Sin Rostro pulled right after his birth, so panic quickly sets in before Xo happily finds him crawling on the floor. Phew. 

The crawling, adorable Mateo soon wreaks havoc though by running into Jane’s laptop cord and therefore sending the attached computer flying to the ground. A glass of orange juice follows. To recap: Within a matter of seconds, Jane’s computer has been slammed onto the hard floor and soaked in a sugary drink. It is seemingly dead. And guess where that story Jane was so jazzed about is?

This crisis of sorts sends Jane to the computer store, where she meets a big-eyed charmer played by Scream Queens‘ Diego Boneta. They flirt, and Lina notices. Jane, however, does not. Classic clueless Jane can’t see a dreamboat vying for her attention even when he’s right in front of her.

Lina takes Jane’s denial that they were flirting as a sign that Jane needs to start dating as soon as humanly possible, so she secretly sets her bud up a Cinder profile. Yes, Cinder is Jane the Virgin’s genius replacement for Tinder. The app’s likely namesake eventually found her Prince Charming, so maybe that’s a good sign for Jane? But then again, this is Jane Villanueva we’re talking about. When she says she wants to have a meet cute instead of a meet-on-the-Internet cute, she means it. 

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That doesn’t mean she doesn’t try, though. After the first date she’s unknowingly tricked into going on fails — or, more accurately, doesn’t begin — Jane decides to give online dating a shot. She goes on a date with a cute guy that seems to be going well until he abruptly leaves, which we later find out is because he texted his friend to save him. “She’s clingy,” he texted. Rude, but also, Jane was busy daydreaming about their future together so reading her as a little too serious wasn’t exactly unwarranted.

Jane is again punished for her romanticism later on when she and Lina run into the computer guy at a bar. He invites them to a skate park, where Jane ends up skinning her knee after an obligatory shot of Computer Guy (as Lina dubs him) very dreamily teaching her how to skateboard. This is the stuff of teenage girls’ dreams — or at least my dreams when I was a teenage girl begging my dad to take me to Warped Tour — so this scene is Peak Romance. And it gets better: After Computer Guy doctors up Jane’s knee, he spits some hilariously, almost painfully, corny lines at her (“You can’t let the fear of falling keep you from flying,” he says, reading from his MySpace page, circa 2006) before they make out. Jane got the meet cute she wanted, and it’s a cute skater boy. Maybe Mateo should mess with her computer more often.

And…then the bombshell drops: Jane suggests they do some more making out that weekend, but he rejects her offer. Because he has plans. With his girlfriend. Who is, of course, not Jane. This meet cute just got meet ugly, and it might mean the ending of dating for Jane — for now, at least.

NEXT: Rogelio’s latest work relationship turns sour

While Jane is busy trying to save her computer and restart her love life, Rogelio’s dealing with his dad’s recent announcement that he’s gay. He feels bad for his mother because he’s a good son — to his father, too, whom he has a sweet and understanding conversation with about how he never meant to hurt Liliana or Rogelio — and because her situation quite plainly sucks. So to give her something to do, he decides to make her his manager. Predictably, making your mother your manager is about as good an idea as letting your baby boy near your computer.

Her many opinions end up getting to him, and he fires her and tells her that he hired her because he knew she was struggling and “wanted you to have something to occupy your time.” Rogelio, noooo. Now both her husband and her son have abandoned her.

The thing is that none of them is a bad person for it. Rogelio’s father couldn’t keep lying to everyone about who he was, and he means it when he says he never meant to hurt his wife. Rogelio genuinely wanted to protect his mother by distracting her with a new job, and the honesty he shows when he fires her is admirable, if a little bit unnecessary. Both men are doing what’s best for them, something that would seem selfish if these decisions weren’t so significant in terms of their mental wellbeing.  

It still hurts Liliana, though. Luckily, Xo is there to comfort her and tell her they’re all there to help. She even tries to lie, saying that she was the one who told Rogelio to fire Liliana. That combination is enough to win Liliana over, and the episode ends with her giving Rogelio her wedding ring. She won’t be needing it anymore, she says. She thinks he should marry Xo. And judging by an eavesdropping Jane’s expression, their daughter couldn’t agree more. 

Now’s a good time to address the craziness that was Michael’s gasp-worthy, albeit small, plotline this episode: As we know, Rafael’s mom drugged her son in an attempt to obtain the chip they traded for Mateo back when the little guy was kidnapped. She was unsuccessful, and that’s because the chip has been in Michael’s leg the entire time. Yes. In his leg.

Right before Nadine died, she tore Michael’s leg open with a broken bottle when he was distracted by a sound and, in that same swoop, evidently planted the lusted-after computer chip in his calf. He realizes this as he’s going over their discussions before she died, an event he blames himself for because, well, she told him that if he didn’t trust her and she died, then that death was on him. Related: This show makes me extremely grateful for all my relatively normal friendships. Shout-out to my friends for never (as far as I know?) secretly performing surgery on me at the beach.

NEXT: Petra has a scare 

Michael uses a razor blade to dig the chip out (ew, ew, ew), and takes it to the police station before telling Rafael, who’s hanging out with Petra. Earlier in the episode, she experiences some bleeding and goes to the hospital out of fear. As the narration helpfully reminds us, she had a miscarriage just four years ago, so her fear at any sign of abnormality is especially intense.

Petra and the twins are fine, though, and she’s sent home to rest with the help of nurses. Being Petra, she fires every one of them because they keep telling her everything’s going to be okay and, again thanks to the miscarriage, she just doesn’t need to hear that. What if it’s not? Petra might be kind of the devil, but at least she’s being a sympathetic devil, for once. 

Petra ends up telling Rafael this (that she’s scared, not that she’s the devil), and the two share a sweet moment picking potential baby names out of a fish bowl. He tells her his mother’s a monster; she tells him that he’s not. He asks to touch her belly; she lets him. This could all seem to be hinting at romance if only Rafael didn’t nearly text Jane “I love you” just hours earlier. 

Back to Jane: She browses her online dating options again — “It’s like shopping on Amazon!” her abuela pretty accurately observes — before she gets a message that her computer is ready. She jumps on the bus and suddenly becomes inspired. Her mentor previously told her to stop trying to re-create the writing that was on her out-of-commission computer and instead try something new, so that’s exactly what she does. She ends up scrawling a story in her notebook throughout the course of an entire bus ride, which leaves her at the end of the line, and, subsequently, far from the computer store. Art pauses for nothing, I guess?

Just a little bit later, Jane heads to Professor Chavez’s office to tell him the good news. There, he reveals that he can’t wait to tell his nephews the story of her triumph. Nephews? That means he likes kids! Jane has a kid! Then he offers up Isabel Allende’s The House of the Spirits. Allende is Jane’s favorite writer! And he’s reading it while he eats a grilled cheese at his desk! And then he’s kissing her! And ripping off his shirt! And then he’s telling her what every woman wants to hear mid-kiss: “Your brains are hot”! And this wildly unethical dream come true is…not true. Not true at all.

Jane awakes from her fantasy, seemingly rejuvenated and definitely turned on. In real life, a dream like this would probably just remain that — a dream that she keeps as her own little secret. But in Jane the Virgin, this dream is going to inspire some either very steamy or very uncomfortable action. Whatever happens, though, at least Jane is getting back in the game — and, as Abuela advised after the whole Computer Guy incident, staying away from skate parks (for now).

A telenovela adaptation, Jane the Virgin tells the story of Jane Villanueva, a virgin who is accidentally inseminated during a routine checkup.
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