Lily's in labor, Barney got Marshall drunk, and Ted is having Robin double vision 

By Michelle Profis
May 01, 2012 at 03:28 AM EDT
Richard Cartwright/CBS
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I could start off by talking about how poor Ted is up to his eyeballs in Robin baggage, or Marshall’s watermelon baby, or the umpteenth time Barney and Quinn have fought about her stripper status, or even the glorious return of the Ducky Tie, but why on earth would I do that when our first How I Met Your Mother baby has booked its one way ticket into this world?! Yes folks, the moment has come, Lily is in labor!

We’ve known that Lily and Marshall’s bundle of joy would be making its debut before the season’s end, but we didn’t know that it would happen while Lily was planted on the couch, stuffing her face with cookies (God bless her) and Marshall was….in Atlantic City? These two can’t go longer than 10 seconds apart, so obviously in one of very few times there’s some real distance between them, baby Larshall decides to come a-knockin’! But just how did Marshall get to Atlantic City? Let’s start at the beginning….

Lily and Marshall are throwing their baby shower and in a painstaking attempt to avoid Robin, Ted shows up three hours after the shower ended. We’ve all been there when we have to go to an event where we really don’t want to see someone, but I thought it was a little cold for Ted to blow it off because he’s that concerned about seeing Robin. Continuing Lily and Marshall’s streak of fair-weathered friendships, Robin had the same idea, only her avoidance came at the crack of dawn. That’s just cold, guys. Suck it up. Try and put on a brave face for the one consistent couple in New York.

A friend who did manage to attend was Barney, who fell into a hysterical miscommunication with Grandma Lois when he overheard Grandma gasp that Quinn can do 50 laps a day. “I accept her,” he said, getting all up in G-ma Lo’s face. “And if you can’t do the same, well then shame on you.” Smooth, Barns, since Grandma Lois was talking about swimming, not stripping. (I admit it, I was heartily laughing.) Leave it to Barney to stir up drama when there is absolutely none to begin with.

Speaking of Barney, he seemed to be speaking for the rest of us (or just me?) when he served Ted a heaping dose of reality: Get over Robin and find yourself another woman. Readers, is Ted’s hang-up on Robin is driving you insane? Whether these two end up together or not, it’s time for another woman in Ted’s life, and that’s exactly what Barney is hoping to accomplish when he urges Ted to cleanse his palette by going out on a string of random dates, found online by Barney. Rest assured that none of the dates consisted of Barney’s fake online persona, though that would have been pretty darn funny.

NEXT: Barney can’t wrap his mind around the stripper pole…

It doesn’t matter whether Ted oddly names a date Yobin, or goes to dinner with a angst-ridden girl sporting an armful of tattoos. He can’t get Robin out of his mind, and ends up imagining her in front of him on each date. He’s so hung up on his beloved anchor that on his last rendezvous, he manages to connect the name Wayne to Bruce Wayne to Batman and back to — you guessed it — Robin. Coincidentally, this woman was the only one who managed to create some space in Ted’s Robin-filled brain, and they ended up in bed together. Consider at least one palate cleansed.

Readers, we’ve all seen Ted face his fair share of heartbreak over the years, but did anyone else want to reach through your TV screen and give him a hard shake as he continued to replace girl after girl with Robin? The harping must end, especially when it hit a fever pitch at MacLaren’s. Enough already!

Speaking of harping, Barney is hung up on the fact that Quinn is a stripper…again. Feels like their relationship is on the fast track to nowhere if Barney can’t get over Quinn’s day job. To his credit, it can’t be easy for Barney to walk down the street, enjoying a sunny afternoon with his girlfriend, and have her be continually recognized by patron after patron. Or the fact that she knows each of them by name, from creepy trench coat wearing Darrell to Dirty Larry. So in a move that I can’t say I fully blame him for, Barney asks Quinn to keep her clothes on. Permanently. He’s so serious about changing her profession that he offers her a role at his company as an executive strategy coordinator (see full meaning in quotables). Her response? “Dude, I don’t want to work for a bank.” And at this, I knew a fight was brewing — because it’s almost never a good sign when a girl calls her boyfriend “dude.”

To ping-pong back across the table for a second, as much as I can understand Barney’s disdain at Quinn’s profession, I equally understand her frustration that he continues to try and change it. Looks like these two are stuck in a love rut, and as much as their relationship grows on me, I’m not sure they are going to be able to dig themselves out.

NEXT: Lily gives Marshall the boot

Call it the baby blues, but Marshall is in full-on planning mode for his little upcoming bundle of joy. With just five weeks (or so we think) to go until the tot’s arrival, Marshall is driving Lily off the wall with his baby prep. He swaddles Lily in her sleep (which actually looked ridiculously comfortable), rigs an “AOOOGAH” sounding alarm to go off every three hours to prepare him for inconsistent sleep patterns, and even carries a diaper-wearing watermelon (can you imagine a baby that size?! Oh right, he’s an Eriksen).

Lily, in all her pregnant glory, is fed up with Marshall’s obsessive planning, and so she realizes that there is only one thing to do: Tell Marshall they’re going to Baby Boot Camp. But lest we forget that Lily possesses a devilish brilliance, she engineers a scheme to let Marshall fall asleep in the car, and let Barney can take the wheel so he can be the one to deliver the R & R: Rambling speech and Raucous behavior! That’s exactly what Marshall gets when Barney takes him to Atlantic City, lets him get smashed, Barney wears the Ducky Tie (!!!!!), and they turn off their phones for one hour. Come on, Marshall! When your wife is thisclose to her due date, DO NOT TURN YOUR PHONE OFF! Because of course, Lily is in labor.

So Mother lovers, do you think Marshall will make it back in time for the birth? Will he be able to sober up? More importantly, do you think he will still be wearing his “Mad at Lily” shirt, and Barney will be donning his Ducky Tie? We’ve got two weeks to make our predictions, so head to the comments and discuss!

QUOTABLES

“Whoa. She got you the red stroller? Looks like I just “blue” her out of the water.” – Ted

Barney: I scoured the dating sites using my own personal logarithms, factoring in a broad spectrum of variables, filtering out undesirable high-risk negatives, guaranteeing a success rate of…

Ted: You picked the girls that showed the most boob.

Barney: My methods get results.

“I stare out into the world and all I see is an icy place where dreams die. Oooh, lasagna!” – Blind Date #2

Quinn: What’s an executive strategy coordinator?

Barney: It’s three corporate sounding words, which when added together equal a fake job, for which you get a real paycheck in the amount of exactly what you make stripping. Plus dental! You’re welcs.

“Okay this is real, it’s not a false alarm. This is real, I’m in labor. I kind of need you to call me back now…Where are you? Call me!…If you’re trying to get back at me you have chosen a wildly inappropriate way of doing so!” –Lily

Ted, Robin, Barney, Marshall, and Lilly remind us all of the joy of slap bets
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  • 7
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  • 09/19/05
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