The Biggest Loser recap: Hotties in Disguise!

It’s the best part of America’s Next Top Model. Maury. And Biggest Loser. You know what I’m talking about: Makeovers! (And yes, I did group Maury in there. Because we’ve all seen a fantastic Maury makeover episode while eating Jell-O on our couch with a 101-degree fever.) Last night, our final six contestants had an appointment with scissors and the mall, and were transformed from workout gear-wearing athletes to bonafide hotties. And might I say that this season’s crop of contestants might be some of our best-looking ones? (Or maybe that’s just because Sam is tilting the scale in their favor.)

The episode began with Sunshine telling cameras how much she missed her father, and the Biggest Loser producers pulling a David Copperfield by making O’Neal literally disappear in a shot! Whoa! How’d they do that?! I don’t know where he went, but on some island somewhere, O’Neal is sitting with the Statue of Liberty, telling her to not live in the past, because if she works really hard, she can one day shed her green skin and turn copper again. You just have to believe! And the Statue of Liberty cried and sobbed, resting her head in O’Neal’s comforting bosom while the yellow team member patted her on the back.

On the ranch, however, Ali informed the contestants that they had collectively lost 805 pounds total over the course of four months (whoa!), and that they really like Multigrain Cheerios. And then, the big announcement came: It was makeover day! Woo-hoo! Yay! Another excited exclamation! Orange Mocha Frappachinos!

The contestants were given $1,000 to spend on clothes, and were told Blow Out‘s Jonathan Antin would be styling their hair, which is kind of perfect, since we know the guy likes to shed enough tears to fill the waters of Lake Minnetonka. (And during the makeover episodes, I do too, as much as I like to tease Biggest Loser.)

Then things got even more exciting: Ali told the remaining batch of contestants that they would get to sit in on a concert following their makeovers. Of course, I just assumed that meant Bob would step into the kitchen with a mike and begin singing, ”oh, oh! Multigrain Cheerios, yea!” But, as I found out later, I was wrong.

NEXT: Mirror, mirror

First, we saw footage of the contestants shopping, while Biggest Loser played the soundtrack of Good Will Humping in the background. Things were much sadder when we watched Mike shop for himself (I guess the track switched to Sperms of Endearment?) — though they guy has already lost a person, he still must shop in the big and tall store. But at least he could get excited about his haircut — soon after shopping, the contestants gathered in a salon, where Jonathan Antin described them as ”raw canvases” and told Sam he’d give him the ”classic penitentiary look… but a handsome version.” I personally feel Jonathan cheated: If he wanted to give Sam the classic penitentiary look, shouldn’t he have used a shiv to cut the grey team member’s hair?

Then the contestants one by one entered a dark room and saw Ali there waiting for them, wearing a jacket made entirely out of black quartz. First, the host guided Sunshine into a room full of mirrors, which may or may not have been rented out for the occasion by Scaramanga. And as she checked her reflection — that hairdo was all kinds of awesome, no? — her brothers stood behind one of the mirrors watching, waiting to surprise her. This made me a bit uncomfortable, because if I were standing in front of a mirror wearing a new outfit, you’d better believe I’d at least do one boob adjustment. And that’s embarrassing, YM! Four red faces! But I will say I was surprised by Sunshine’s amazing transformation — almost as much as I was surprised by the fact that she has a giant tattoo of her own name on the back of her neck. Hm.

Next up was Koli, looking svelte and trendy with his hipster glasses and teensy-tiny soul patch. (What is that called, Biggest Loser fans?) Anyone else get a Laurence Fishburne vibe from Koli for some reason? Either way, the guy got lei-ed by his mom.

We already knew Ashley was good with her own hair — she never met a curling iron she doesn’t like — but the pink contestant looked fabulous out of her Biggest Loser garb. And now, she has collarbones!

I was pumped for Sam’s transformation. The guy’s sexy, right? I mean, it’s rare that any Biggest Loser contestant shows up at weigh-ins as bicep-y as Sam at this point. And when he walked into the room of mirrors… well, they really took that penitentiary look far, didn’t they? Would it have killed them to put the guy in a nice suit? Instead, Sam was rocking the jacket-over-hoodie look, which kind of made him look more Law & Order informant than bad boy hottie. But that’s just me.

Daris! Sweet little Daris, who lost 10 inches of that curly hair, which was altered into a pompadour. The hairstyle might not have necessarily matched the flannel, but who knew Daris had such cute dimples? With his new look, the guy’s a dead-ringer for Courtney Cox’s son on Cougar Town, no?

NEXT: Enough of the warm fuzzies!

Finally, we had Mike, whose new look was part magician, part skeezy Las Vegas club-owner. (Again with the hoods?) Yet it totally worked for him. Though the guy does have plenty of weight still left to lose, there’s no denying he looked fantastic — something his sisters obviously agreed with when they charged him and they all began screaming as if Justin Bieber looked right at them at a concert. Then we had the episode’s second sad moment: Mike’s sister, crying after seeing Mike’s progress, and hoping she could follow in his footsteps. (Most heart-breaking moment since Mike Morelli’s brother had a similar reaction to seeing his newly-thin sibling on Biggest Loser 7.)

Then the contestants walked into a candle-filled room, where Ali was waiting to offer one of them the final rose. Or was she going to tell them that they would make up her harem, what with those carpets? Nope, turns out she was there to introduce the singer, who would perform a private contest for the contestants: Ashanti! The musician got up in front of the group, told them to ”listen to the words” of her song, and began singing a tune with lyrics like, ”Show the whole world that you were made to shine.” Obviously, the song was a dedication to her ginormous diamond earrings.

Enough warm fuzzies! It’s competition time! As Ali — wearing a trench coat that no doubt concealed secret government files — told the group, they would have to climb Jacob Ladders suspended above a pool. Whoever fell first would have a one-pound disadvantage. Whoever stayed on the longest would get a one-pound advantage. (One day, I wish the producers would just surprise the Biggest Loser contestants and offer them a ”one-pound… bunny!” as a prize instead.)

Ashley struggled the most, falling after just three minutes, while Daris and Koli battled it out for over two hours. (Best quote of the episode belongs to Daris: ”Would this still be considered peeing in the pool if I did it from up here?”) But then, after two-and-a-half hours, Daris simply said, ”aww, screw it,” and fell into the water.

So Koli bagged the one-pound advantage, which he didn’t really need, since he so obviously threw the weigh-in last week. (Why no mention of this fact was made during this episode, I have no idea.) The contestants then met up with the trainers, who expressed disappointment in Daris for failing to bag the win. Jillian, discovering Ashley had received a one-pound disadvantage, said she planned to ”pound on her.” And switch that track to On Golden Blonde, Biggest Loser producers!

But it was Daris who really got a pounding. (Giggle.) While working out with Bob, Daris sprinted on the treadmill, fell off, and got right back on again. And that wasn’t just a fall. That wasn’t even just an America’s Funniest Home Videos fall. That was a painful, ouch, oh-my-God-is-he-okay, how-does-he-still-have-all-his-bones? fall. If that doesn’t prove that Daris deserves the win, I don’t know what will.

NEXT: Record-breaking weigh-ins

Time for the weigh-in:

Koli: -15 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 6.18 (One-pound advantage)

Mike: -9 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 2.62

Daris: -9 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 4.21

Sunshine: -9 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 4.81

Sam: -2 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 0.83

Ashley: -10 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 3.63

Highlights: Everyone was inexplicably surprised with Koli’s number — even though, as previously mentioned, he so obviously threw the weigh-in last week, and Ashley set a Biggest Loser record: the most weight lost by any woman on the show (136 pounds, to be exact).

So, as we can see, it came down to Sam and Mike. Surprisingly, Sam still advocated for people to let him stay, even though Mike so clearly needed to remain on the ranch: ”Sam did it,” Mike pled to the other contestants. ”Sam looks amazing… did you see how happy he is? I want to be that happy.” Not surprisingly, Sunshine and Koli voted for Mike to go home, while Ashley and Daris voted for Sam to leave the ranch. It’s a tie, people! And in Biggest Loser rules, in case of a tie, the person with the lowest percentage weight loss gets sent packing. So as we know, that meant bye-bye Sam.

BUT. BUT. OMG, guys. O-M-G. Sam was happy to be home — because home is with Stephanie! Yep, it looks like Sam has officially moved in with his girlfriend, who he met on the ranch: ”I come home to my at-home prize every day,” he said. Oh my god guys, I’m like the Wicked Witch of the West: I’m melting! MELTING!

I’ll leave you with this, though: Sam said they had started dating in week three. Why, oh why were we not shown any indication of their relationship?! I understand this isn’t The Bachelor, but it is reality TV. And the reality TV bible clearly states that thou shall broadcast all showmances!

But I’ll turn things to you now, Biggest Loser fans: How cute are Sam and Stephanie? Do you agree that Sam should have gone home? Whose transformation is most jaw-dropping? Who else is crossing their fingers that sweet ol’ Daris wins the whole shebang? And did you, like me, keep expecting Nick Nack would show up in that room of mirrors?