On ''The Hills,'' Lauren feels betrayed when Heidi helps another friend move in on her crush

By Jennifer Armstrong
March 01, 2007 at 05:00 AM EST
The Hills: Sheryl Nields
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”The Hills”: When BFFs attack

So I’m torn. (Or, as Heidi might say, ”torn, torn, torn.” Apparently that’s her new thing now: to repeat every salient point she has two to three times.) On the one hand, while Brody has turned all of his charm muscles on around Lauren, and they’ve maybe kinda hooked up, he’s not her boyfriend. So I’m not sure she’s entitled to spend a whole episode being territorial about him when Jen came to town for her birthday and moved in on him. On the other, if I’ve spent even 10 minutes crushing on a guy and a friend knows it, I expect her to step off. Which I guess means I’m coming down on Lauren’s side, but with the caveat that either way, Lauren’s way better off without Brody and his star… let’s just say star humping to keep this clean.

It all began, more or less, when Heidi, still clearly smarting from her rift with Lauren over the latter’s quite justified Spencer-hating, started actively participating in Spencer’s scheme to nudge Jen and Brody together. (That demonstrates the lengths Spence is willing to go to piss Lauren off, incidentally; no way is this nobody guest star going to do anything to boost Brody and Spencer’s Hollywood stock.) But really, as with so many of these things, it’s much better in Heidi’s words, uttered during a ladies’ room conference with Jen: ”Loves you, loves you, loves you,” she said of Mr. Jenner. ”But wants macking ASAP.” (Um, and that’s supposed to be somehow flattering? I really don’t miss my early 20s.) ”Happy birthday, happy birthday.”

Lauren, bless her heart, seemed to be taking a far lower-key approach in her passive-aggressive attack on Heidi. All she came up with was suddenly being so BFF-ish with Audrina that I thought they were going to make out for a second. But Heidi didn’t even notice, since she was so busy pushing Jen on top of Brody. She was basically thisclose to handing them some condoms and helping them remove clothing when the crew — that is, Heidi, Jen, Brody, and Spencer — decided to retire to Brody’s condo for the final sealing of the deal, as it were. Love the extra touch of Jen phoning from the scene to ask Lauren’s permission to go in for the kill. Okay, I’m officially on Lauren’s side 100 percent now. No more torn, torn, torn.

”Is it really worth screwing a friend over for Brody?” Whitney asked the next day upon hearing the story. She meant it rhetorically, but I’ll go ahead and answer: Uh, no. And just when you thought no character more minor than Whitney could weigh in on the matter, up popped Chiara, described as ”Epic intern,” discussing the situation with Audrina at work. ”I would be so pissed at Heidi,” she said, ”especially for egging something like that on.”

Later, while Lauren steamed clothes at Teen Vogue with Whit (finally, a truly intern-worthy duty!), she got a call from Jen that proved the empowered, assertive Lauren was here to stay. (Hurrah!) ”Seriously, Jen, don’t be at my apartment when I get home,” she barked before hanging up. That night at home, she gave it good to Heidi, too. ”I don’t feel like you’re the friend you used to be,” she said. ”Spencer has you frickin’ brainwashed; it’s so sad to see.” And then, the pièce de résistance: ”He’s a sucky person.”

Or, as I like to say: Sucky, sucky, sucky. Better yet: Enough, enough, enough.

What do you think? Are you a fan of the new assertive Lauren? Does she have any claim on Brody? And were you excited or annoyed to see that Whitney’s finally getting her own storyline next week?

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