On the season finale of ''The Hills,'' Whitney goes for her interview, Heidi decides to live with Spencer, and the ''star'' of the show, Lauren, keeps doing nothing

By Jennifer Armstrong
April 03, 2007 at 04:00 AM EDT
The Hills: Sheryl Nields
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The ”Hills” season finale: Good and bad moves

No Paris finale, this one. Here’s my problem with this episode and, really, this season as a whole: For a show that’s supposed to ”star” Lauren, there’s a lot of stuff happening to people around her, while she sits at home on the sofa reading a book, wearing a headband, and talking about it. I love the new assertive Lauren who’s emerged this season — and I begrudge no one the right to read books or wear headbands — but next time around it’d be nice to see the girl do something.

Still, she kept the zingers coming at Heidi and her wishy-washy should-I-live-with-Spencer nonsense. ”You don’t even live with me,” she snapped. ”I just live with your stuff.” And even four minutes into the show, we already knew where this was going. Let’s hope we’ve resolved this Heidi-Spencer issue for good, if not for the betterment of society.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. The other not-Lauren person who was actually out doing stuff was Whitney, who jetted off to New York to interview for the permanent Teen Vogue job. As my sister, my guest watcher of the evening, said, ”Whitney’s like, ‘Please let me move so I don’t have to be on this f—ing show.‘ ”

Speaking of extraneous work friends who just happen to know everything about our main characters’ lives so they can have engaging on-air conversations with them, Heidi was sharing her cohabitation dilemma with Elodie, whom I like to think of as the poor woman’s Whitney. I think she spoke for us all when she said, ”I still don’t think you should move in with him.” Word.

Honestly, can we talk about what a psycho move it was for Spencer to get an apartment when Heidi clearly said no, then take her there as ”a big surprise”? And yet her reaction was to finally give in. ”If I do this with you,” she said, ”you’re gonna be serious, right?” I detected quite the extended moment of hesitation when he answered, ”I…swear.” So back at home, Heidi dropped the news to Lauren that she’d be moving out, a conversation that was awkwardly anticlimactic after so much talk about it. And at Casa Brody, Spencer was explaining that he really just wanted to keep Heidi away from Lauren and reassuring his Brother in Hair Products that he would not be muzzled by his impending cohabitation. Or at least I think that’s what he meant when he said, ”I was born a playa, dog, that’s what I do.” God, it’s so hot when he channels Randy Jackson. No wonder Heidi wants to move in with him.

Lauren was definitely not taking any crap by the time Heidi was packing and claiming they’d remain friends. ”It’s nice to hear, but it’s just like, ‘We’ll see.’ ” (BTW, props to the camera guy who caught that shot of Heidi in the mirror of the U-Haul as Lauren watched it drive away.)

I’d leave it at that if it weren’t for that brilliant exchange between Heidi and Elodie about Heidi’s plans to cook dinner for Spencer that night. And so I bring you the dramatic reading of the night.

Elodie: Do you even have all the equipment to cook? What’s it called?

Heidi: Dinner?

Elodie: No.

Heidi: Pasta?

Elodie: No. The equipment to cook, like, pots, pans.

Heidi: Oh, I have to go get all that.

Lauren, meanwhile, was celebrating (as were we) the conclusion of the epic roommate drama…with champagne and pizza (what better way is there?)…and her brand new roomie…guess who…Audrina! Seriously, not even close to the big Paris reveal, but nice. And a relief. Here’s hoping Lauren actually does something next season.

What do you think? How can they get Lauren moving next year? Should she get a real job? Can she get a real boyfriend? And are Heidi and Spencer out of her life permanently?

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