'The Hills' recap: Whit...and wisdom?

It may be my lack of sleep (or the cold that is slowly overtaking me), but did any of you also find last night’s episode of The Hills to be, well, amusing? I mean, we had Kelly Cutrone acting as cupid, Lauren “breaking it off” with Doug while looking like she was going to burst out laughing, and Heidi and Spencer completely channeling the uppity Thurston Howell III and his wife (that was a Gilligan’s Island reference for those of you who may not know) over a dinner at a swanky restaurant. I breathed a sigh of relief when there was no sign of any Lo and Audrina drama because I definitely needed a week off from their cattiness.

(I will say this, though, because I have been questioned by a few friends — you know who you are! — and by some of you TV Watchers as to why I said I was leaning more toward Team Lo last week. Basically it’s because I’ve always appreciated the way Lo looks out for Lauren as a friend and that’s what I would want someone to do. That’s not to say Lauren can’t stand on her own two feet; it’s just that Lo’s known Lauren since before she was a name brand, so we can only hope her intentions aren’t malicious. I also appreciate Lo’s knack for being honest, even though that can come off as rude. Often it is just that, but at least she says what’s on her mind, right? Anyway, I don’t doubt that Audrina is a good friend to Lauren, too, but if I had to pick a side as of this moment, it would be Lo’s, and now you know why. The end.)

I’ve been a little hesitant about the idea of the often-timid Whitney getting her own spin-off, but after last night, I really wanted to see more! more! more! of the People’s Revolution office in New York (er, that is if Whitney stays with them. Recent gossip reports claim that this season she may quit PR to work in the world of wrap dresses, a.k.a. for Diane Von Furstenberg.) The minute Whitney walked in to work, Kelly instructed her to help with a casting call by asking boys to “maybe take their shirts off, drop their pants, try on these clothes,” and then added, “They’re cute, they’re young, they’re in New York.” With that, the scene went straight from a model casting call to what seemed like a speed-dating event. “You’re a frat boy?” was among Kelly’s many inquiries about model Alex before she invited him to have drinks with her and a few staffers later on, thereby only increasing the extreme redness already on Whitney’s face. “This is called multi-tasking in the power-bitch world,” said the power bitch herself. Genius! Simply genius! How many of you out there are with me on petitioning Kelly to add a matchmaking extension onto her business? She could call it Lover’s Revolution, and instead of that red circle-ish logo, it could be a heart. Kelly, if you’re reading this, I expect some sort of commission for these ideas!

NEXT: Lauren (gently) kicks Doug to the curb

Later that night, I’m assuming at 8:45 sharp (just as Kelly instructed because we wouldn’t want to piss her off), Alex arrived at the SoHo Grand Hotel to greet Whitney, who was by herself. Ah, yes, Kelly The Matchmaker had called to inform Whitney that no one else would be joining in on the fun. The duo walked around SoHo while Alex spouted off profound facts about the Big Apple. (“Fashion is almost like a culture here, you know. Like it’s not just people’s professions here; it’s their lives, it’s what they live for. It’s an art.” And to think, all these years we’ve been lead to believe that models lacked intelligence.) When Alex dropped Whit back at the hotel, he looked eager to kiss her, and she looked eager to avoid an awkward situation on camera. “I’ll be back,” she said after hugging him and parting ways. I know we’ve been told many times that we’re going to see a lot more of Whitney’s romantic side this season, but do we think this is the guy or will there be others? I have seen a few paparazzi shots of her out with a boy around NYC who looks nothing like the one we met last night (unless he grew tons of facial hair and went hipster), so I think it’s safe to say model Alex will be a one- or two-episode wonder.

While we’re on the topic of possible short-lived rendezvous (I say “possible” because with this show you never know when someone’s going to pop back up in that light), last night, Lauren came forward to both Whitney and Brody about her unromantic feelings for Doug. “I don’t really want to settle,” she said to Brody over dinner. “My type is someone I’ve already dated.” He then cackled, did the flirty arching-eyebrows move, and retorted, “You talking about us getting naked?” I’ll admit it was a cute comment, but in the context of the situation, is that all he really has to say? Plus, can he please get some other wardrobe options other than a black and white camo t-shirt? It may help if he ever wants to be taken seriously.

Lauren eventually mustered up the confidence (or was it just energy?) to end things with Doug. She started off by saying your average breakup comments, like “It’s just not there” and “It was just a lot at once.” Doug, meanwhile, was defensive, as most dumpees are in this situation: “I’ve been nothing but respectful and nice,” he said. “I’ve been trying to treat you like a princess.” Then Lauren threw out the old standby, “It’s not you” and as I mentioned earlier, looked as though she were about to laugh when she said it. I almost got the sense that this wasn’t the actual conversation the two had, but instead one reenacted after the producers heard they broke up. Though, on the other hand, I’m not so sure Doug’s that good of an actor. He continued on by saying, “You’re totally different than any girl I’ve ever met,” which should’ve made me want to swoon and say, “Awww,” but it sounded a little insincere and almost like he was really thinking, You’re the only girl I know who has her own reality show at the moment, so I was really trying to use that to my advantage. Uh, guess there’s always Stephanie.

NEXT: Stephanie should watch her back

Now that Lauren and Doug are done, I’m wondering when we’re going to see the alleged Stephanie-Doug “date” go down, because the groundwork has certainly been laid for Stephanie’s so-called betrayal. Last night, Lauren and Stephanie rekindled their shaky friendship (Lauren forgave her for the birthday mishap, which, um, as we all know wasn’t technically a mishap, but whatever), much to the hesitation of Brody. “I think that Stephanie has ulterior motives,” he told Lauren. “I could tell you things that you’d be like, Whoa! Really? You’d be like tripping out.” Dude, Brody, please tell us what these things are! No one has to know, we promise. Maybe somewhere in She-Pratt’s dark past is a horrific incident at a pet shop. Perhaps, she meant to buy a hamster, but instead bought a guinea pig. It would really explain a lot.

Over a fancy dinner with his puppet Heidi, Spencer also voiced concern about Stephanie. (Insert my shocked face here.) Um, can he please come up with a new conversation topic? Or, can Holly please get here soon so he can at least bitch about her instead of his own sister? With an evil smirk, he vowed, “The day I’m friends with Stephanie again is the day I’m friends with Lauren Con(pauserad.” Heidi admitted she missed Stephanie, and Spencer merely brushed her off, randomly looked at his watch, and busted out with “Time to get in bed and cuddle, my dear.” Apparently Spencer thinks he’s Hugh Hefner now. How long before we see him out in public wearing a silk robe and smoking a cigar?

On that note, I hand things over to you. What did you think of Kelly setting Whitney up on a date? What were your thoughts on Lauren breaking up with Doug? Finally, should we be worried for our national security now that we know Spencer is reading a book titled, The Secret History of the CIA?