Heidi uses her new lips to pout over Spencer's departure; plus, Whitney starts a new job, and Lauren makes friends with Stephanie
Heidi Montag, The Hills

”The Hills” recap: Starting over

Welcome back, Hills lovers (or haters — we’re equal opportunity here at EW), to a special two-episode night! Since so many of you commented about Heidi’s — how do I say this nicely? — ”updated” appearance last week (my favorite post goes to Ally, who said, ”Heidi, step away from Dr. 90210”), I’ve decided to begin this TV Watch by giving my thoughts on it, too. Let’s just take a walk down memory lane for a second here: While perusing MySpace last week for dirt on our new favorite French band, Rock & Roll, I also came across Heidi’s MySpace page, which includes lots of prancing-in-a-bikini shots, her annual income ($150,000 to $250,000 — um, yeah, there isn’t nearly enough space in this article for me to even get into that absurdity), and a ton of old pictures from before she went all Extreme Makeover on us. (Click ”pics” and ”My Photos” for further proof.) How does Heidi herself not see a major difference in her looks? I realize she’s confessed to the world why she wanted to have her breasts and nose fixed, but honestly, are all of the extras (like turbo-plumped lips) necessary? I mean, with that kind of permanent pucker on her face, how are we ever supposed to know when she’s evoking any kind of emotion other than sad and/or sulking now? Thanks for making our lives all that much more difficult now, Heidi.

The new look does make those moments in the show when she and Spencer are fighting more believable. Take for instance the scene in which Spencer moved out. ”I’m gonna miss you,” she said before he gave her a mature thumbs up and retorted, ”Enjoy your space.” I think her dreary facial expression in this scene really added some emotion, don’t you? The ”I’m oh so depressed” pout also came in handy when she talked to her co-worker Kimberly about the situation. (Let’s just try and ignore the fact that Heidi looked somewhat inappropriate at work wearing big hoop earrings and a white shirt buttoned low enough to show off her black bra. News flash, honey: The cross necklace didn’t compensate for the cleavage.) Heidi said to Kimberly, ”It’s going to be such, like, a heart-wrenching thing. Even though I want him to move out, it’s not going to be easy watching him, like, pack up his stuff.” Quick, someone alert the Screen Actors Guild! I think we have a future thespian on our hands!

(By the way, if you look back at Heidi’s MySpace page, you’ll see that the quote next to her main pic says, ”Yes me and Spencer are still together and in love&heart.” So much for any suspense about whether they’ll get back together this season.)

Heidi also turned to Spencer’s sister, Stephanie, for advice, and I have to say I’m actually starting to like the She-Pratt. Last season she seemed like an annoying follower trying to stir up trouble, and this season she seems like a shrewd observer, offering honest opinions where needed. (Here’s hoping I don’t ever regret making that statement.) Stephanie asked Heidi if she was okay with Spencer dating other people, and Heidi, bewildered at the idea, answered, ”What? When I talked to him last, like, we were just going to start over. We weren’t going to see other people….We were just being together and living in separate places.” Stephanie’s genius reply: ”Oh, I’m so the opposite, and if Spencer’s anything like me, I’d be out for revenge.” A little evil, sure, but I appreciate her candor. She told Heidi that she doesn’t want to be in the middle of the Speidi drama, but we all know that’s inevitable now that Spencer’s taking up residence at her place.

Other people who were moving onward (and upward?) in the night’s first episode included Lauren, who was getting over Brody (more on that later), and Whitney, who was leaving Teen Vogue. In the span of a 20-minute episode (not counting commercials), Whit quit her job, interviewed for a new one, and was hired immediately. Oh, Hills, how easy you make it look to navigate the fashion and entertainment industries. Lisa Love was surprisingly complimentary and obliging when Whitney told her about her opportunity for a new job at People’s Revolution, a fashion-lifestyle PR firm. But then again, taking into account Kimball Hastings’ comments toward Whitney last week, it’s obvious Teen Vogue is over this whole MTV thing. How are they going to give Lauren the boot, too?

NEXT: Whitney gets a new life

From the quick peek we got into the inner workings of People’s Revolution and its haughty founder, Kelly Cutrone, I can already tell that Whitney is in for a wild ride. ”You’re basically making a deal with the devil,” Kelly told Whitney. ”Because you have to give up your life. The good news is you get a whole new one.” Sounds like something that was probably said during the original casting meetings for The Hills.

Audrina was back in this episode for no other purpose than to remind Lauren that they’re both ”full-on single” at the same time. Oh, and she served as Lauren’s wingwoman during her awkward post-Paris reunion with Brody at Les Deux. (Again, I’m still not getting this whole idea that everything changed in just one week. I’m also not getting who that blond guy with the big ‘fro and glasses was that Lauren was sitting next to, but that’s probably irrelevant, right?) Lauren dissed Brody by not giving him a hug (the horror!) and instead asked him, ”Where’s your girlfriend?” Brody responded, ”My girlfriend? Who’s my girlfriend? Who’s my girlfriend?” and then parried with ”Where’s your boyfriend from Paris?” Lauren told him she didn’t have one, and he said, ”Oh, really, you don’t? That’s too funny because I have friends in Paris.” Congrats, Brody, I have friends in London — what’s your point? I mean, was Lauren’s Vespa ride with Matthias written about in the Paris tabloids or something? (Do people in Paris even know who Lauren is?) How else would Brody’s so-called Parisian friends know anything about her trip, which, again. took place over only seven days!

I’m not sure who I should side with when it comes to Lauren and Brody. I have to hand it to her for wearing her heart on her sleeve — if she wanted to get the point across to him that she was jealous and hurt, then mission accomplished. But I also think she was overreacting just a tad. Why even give the boy the satisfaction of getting a rise out of you? As for Brody, if he had any kind of common sense, instead of yelling at Lauren, he would’ve taken her aside and had a one-on-one conversation with her. Moral of the story: Alcohol + emotions + Frankie = controversy.

I’m just happy that Lo is going to be around more this season to offer Lauren some genuine guidance. (It’s a duty we all know Audrina doesn’t typically fulfill.) ”Brody has a way of making me feel like I’m never good enough,” Lauren told Lo, who replied, ”Sweetie, of course you’re good enough for Brody. He should be the one who has to work to get you.” Amen to that! I think Lo and She-Pratt should team up and co-author a relationship book together. They could call it We Survived Spencer’s and Lauren’s Bulls— and You Can, Too!

NEXT: Schoolmate shocker!

In the second half of this lovely two-episode night, we got a chance to experience the Hills version of the game of telephone firsthand when new classmates Lauren and Stephanie both texted their respective best friends to alert them that they were in The. Very. Same. Computer. Class. [Cue Audrina’s and Heidi’s ”Oh, my God”s.] It’s a good thing those cameramen were there to catch this very pivotal moment from three different locations; otherwise we viewers at home might not have understood how to interpret this sequence.

I didn’t know Stephanie went to the same school as Lauren — what a small word. The only thing we had known about her thus far (besides the fact that she’s starting to win us over) is that she has seemingly better common sense than her big bro (well, okay, that may be a recent development; according to my trusty Internet research, she was reportedly arrested in 2006 for shoplifting with a pal in Hawaii) and that she has somehow replaced Jen Bunney as Heidi’s only non-work-related girlfriend. But now the tides are turning in L.A., as She-Pratt has gone and apologized to the enemy, leaving Team Speidi (er, are they even a team anymore?) pissed off.

”I just wanted to say I’m really sorry about yelling at you,” Stephanie said to Lauren regarding last season’s Opera Club brouhaha. Lauren responded, ”I didn’t mean to be a bitch to you. But you have to understand the last time I saw you, you literally screamed in my face for no reason. You know?” Lauren’s right: Stephanie had no place stirring up even more unnecessary trouble. ”I’m just going to like stay out of whatever’s going on,” Stephanie told her, to which Lauren replied, ”I don’t have anything against you. I don’t dislike you. I just don’t want to get yelled at….I appreciate your apologizing.” I appreciate it, too. In fact, I enjoyed Lauren and She-Pratt’s school-time luncheon — something about the two of them hanging out just seems so wrong and yet so right all at the same time.

Lo and Audrina had the opposite reaction: ”There’s just something that I don’t trust about [Stephanie],” said Audrina. ”Just keep your guard up and be careful.” ”I don’t need a guard,” said Lauren. ”I’m not like putting any trust in her. I’m just being nice to her. She’s a nice girl.” (I reiterate: Here’s hoping none of us ever regret making positive statements like this one about Stephanie.)

Naturally, Spencer was not pleased with the situation either. ”I can’t tell you anything because I can’t trust you,” he said to his sis. ”If I tell you one thing, you’d tell Heidi; tell you another thing, you’d tell L.C. Next thing, you’ll be telling Brody things, and then everybody I don’t want to know things will know things.” (Sometimes his verbal skills and extensive vocabulary just astonish me.) Not that I really want to be siding with Spencer on anything — ever — but he does have a little bit of a reason to be upset with his sister. After all, Stephanie is obviously relishing the fact that she’s chummy with people Spencer isn’t too fond of.

Side note: If Spencer and Heidi are ”no longer dating,” as he claimed to his sister last night, then why hasn’t MTV changed the title that appears under his name? Here’s a thought: How about replacing ”Heidi’s Boyfriend” with ”Douchebag”?

Whitney was probably thankful to be out of the state during all of this commotion. People’s Revolution sent her to New York to work at the Sass & Bide fashion show during Fashion Week. Without having read the almighty People’s Revolution rulebook in time (yeah, does anyone else want to get a copy of that now?), Whitney still did a fantastic job styling (she persuaded the designers to go with a pair of tight pants that they were hesitant about) and keeping composed while sending models onto the runway. You have to wonder how annoyed people got backstage with the Hills camera crew back there in the midst of all of that chaos. (Oh, and speaking of reality TV, did any of you guys catch the shot of the contestants from Make Me a Supermodel when the camera panned to the audience?) Phew! Two full-episodes in one night = one sleepy TV Watcher! Until next week when we meet it again, tell me below: Were you as unexplainably sad to see Whitney and Lauren say goodbye at Teen Vogue as I was? What do you think of Whitney’s new boss? Do you think Stephanie is being genuine or does she have any ulterior motives with Lauren? Finally, if you could replace the title ”Heidi’s Boyfriend” under Spencer’s name, what would you want it to say instead?

The Hills (TV Show)
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