'The Hills' recap: Sin City drama

Regular Hills Watcher Lindsay Soll is in L.A. having her own real-life Hills moment, so I’ll be your tour guide on this crazy ride to Vegas, baby. What could go wrong? Everything!

Last night’s episode was by far the best this season. In a show where nothing really happens, tons of stuff went down. The crew headed to Las Vegas to celebrate Frankie’s 27th birthday. And the drama was a’brewin’ in Sin City. Stephanie’s sordid past was finally addressed, Audrina and Lauren’s friendship became even more strained, Speidi got a houseguest, and, of course, Brody (supposedly) got arrested. All in under 20 minutes.

The show opened with Lauren, Stephanie, and Lo meeting up with Frankie, Brody, and Doug on Doug’s private jet to head out to Vegas. Ummm, yeah, stop right there. Doug has a private jet. As Stephanie so eloquently put it: “You broke up with a guy who has a jet?” I hate to admit it but She-Pratt has a point. Lauren could have scored a free trip to Paris if she had just stuck it out for a few more dates. But this just planted the Stephanie-Doug seed a little deeper. Did you catch the eyes she made at Doug when he handed her a glass of champagne on board his private plane? Will these too just go out already, so Lauren can officially have no friends left? While on board, Brody “Tough love” Jenner offered up a “friendly” toast to Stephanie: “Having little Steph here is almost as good as having Spencer here.” Cheers! Brody really knows how to smooth things over. I loved it though. This whole episode gave me a whole new respect for Brody in general. Who knew he was such a ballbuster? The plane ride laid the groundwork for all the drama that would follow. First with the Brody toast, then with Lauren’s cryptic answer to why Audrina wasn’t flying with them (on Doug’s private jet — okay, last mention).

When the gang arrived at the Venetian, Lo asked Lauren whom she was going to hook up with. Brody or Doug? To which she responded, “Been there, done that.” Oh, Lauren, you’re so bad. Does anyone else get the sense that Lo is a little jealous of Lauren? She’s got her pick of Brody or Doug? What’s Lo got? The dog at home I guess. Anyway, later in the guys’ room, Lauren recapped her latest beef with Audrina. While at Goa the night before, Audrina, totally blew off Lauren because she was with her real friends. (How pissed were the producers that they didn’t catch that blow-off on camera, by the way?) Meanwhile, Brody is all, kick her out. Geez Brody, learn from your friend Frankie, and show some sensitivity. Anyway, back to the alleged blow-off at Goa. When Audrina told her side of the story to Justin Bobby (Thank God he is back. I missed him so), it was much different. And honestly, I was kinda with Audrina on this one. Lauren’s version just seemed too harsh for sweet little Drins. Though, after watching her tell Lo they’d never be friends, maybe she is capable of dissing the girl who got her famous in the first place.

NEXT: Stephanie’s past

Okay, so let’s get to it: the dinner scene. While at Frankie’s birthday dinner (Btw, poor Frankie. His birthday really blew), Brody exclaimed that he was so over talking about Audrina. For a minute I thought to myself, so what are they going to talk about then? Politics? Alternative Energy? Or maybe they would all have one big staring contest (my bet’s on Lauren any day), but then Stephanie let it rip, and asked Brody flat out: “I want to know why you told Lauren not to trust me.” And my man Brody did not miss a beat before laying into her, letting us all know how crazy he thinks she is. Her response: “This is when I used to have a drug problem.” Thank you! I’ve been waiting for this drug thing to come out ever since she started on the show, and now, just like a junkie, I want more. Did she spill everything in this interview last year or is there more? Oh please, let this come up again. Meanwhile, Lauren stared on like a deer in headlights, and Doug just wanted everyone to get along. My favorite line of the night: “You’re makin’ girls cry now, dude?” Brody certainly did, and he wasn’t ashamed. Cut to the requisite girls-in-the-bathoom-crying scene, where Lauren imparted her words of wisdom: “Don’t ever cry over someone that wouldn’t cry over you.” Well said, Lauren. We really all can learn from you. We also discovered that Stephanie was never mean while she was “using,” selfish, sure, but not mean. I want more.

Post-dinner, the boys were bumpin’ at the club and the drama continued. Justin Bobby (looking fine, albeit in a silly hat) and Audrina rolled in, and Brody and Frankie acted like girls at a middle school dance, pulling out Audrina and Lauren’s baggage. Which brings me to a very important question. Why are the guys such chicks? My advice to them: Grow a pair. You’re in Vegas. Stop asking about Audrina’s fight with Lauren, and please go find some strippers.

NEXT: Sister, sister

Audrina couldn’t handle the drama, and she and Justin split soon after arriving, without so much as a hello to Lauren. Cold, Audrina! I have to say, I kind of like this new side to Audrina. I also have to ask why she flew there to begin with? I bet the producers made her.

Cut to the morning after! Okay, let me just say, not one of those girls looked like they were out until 4 a.m. There wasn’t a baggy eye or misplaced hair to be had. Have the girls reached the point where they are traveling with a hair and makeup team? Is the Rachel Zoe Project in the next room? But Frankie, apparently also known as Frankel, walked in looking like he slept in the bathtub, so I guess they partied a bit. That’s when he dropped the bomb. Brody’s in jail! The girls’ reactions? Blank stares, of course. But let’s get realistic for a minute: Brody sent Frankie a text that he and Doug were in jail because Doug got punched. Since when can you text in jail? I’m kinda skeptical that they were in jail at all. I bet they were at the Mirage down the street, having finally found some strippers.

Regardless, I can’t wait for tomorrow’s episode. Maybe Bruce Jenner and the Kardashian girls will fly in and bail Brody out of the clink. It’s all about the inter-reality-show love! Where’s Ryan Seacrest when you need him?

Over in Speidi-land, Heidi’s sister, Holly, finally arrived. But not before Spencer could throw a fit about being inundated with “everything girlie.” What was he starting to say about Holly’s tampons? Gross. And what was with Heidi deserting her sister not two minutes after she arrived from her 14-hour drive, just to go have dinner with Spencer? She’s such a Stepford wife. But don’t worry too much about Holly. We hear she landed a job with Joe (Girl’s Gone Wild) Francis as his assistant. Word on the street is that he recruited her. He’s not stupid. A little screen time on The Hills couldn’t hurt, right? Ah, the Montags must be so proud of their career-driven daughters. Meanwhile, Heidi had to put in her five minutes of camera time at her “job” (was that the same office she was staged in — I mean, worked in — last year?) so she and Spencer had a “spontaneous” argument about her sister invading his space and, God forbid, erasing his TiVo’d shows. To which, Heidi responded, “Get out of the house or something. Maybe you shouldn’t be there so much!” That might be the most brilliant thing she’s ever said. It almost gave me an ounce of respect for the girl. I said almost.

So what did you think of this mega-special episode? Were you digging Lauren’s painted-on leather pants, or did she take the Vegas thing a bit too far? Do you think that Brody really went to jail? Who was that girl sitting next to Frankie at dinner? And ladies, remember to heed Lauren’s sage advice: Don’t ever cry over someone that wouldn’t cry over you.