Audrina's breakup with Justin Bobby is predictably short-lived, but she gives it as much drama as she can, while Brody and Cameron think about duking it out

By Lindsay Soll
Updated October 28, 2008 at 04:00 AM EDT
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‘The Hills’ recap: One step forward…

I’m feeling a bit perplexed, TV Watchers. You see, I can’t decide which makes me want to unplug my TV set and chuck it out my fourth-floor window more: (A) Justin Bobby’s very existence on the show or (B) Audrina’s very existence on the show. Then there’s option (C) the screechy voices of those dang hosts from The Hills: Live After Show. Feel free to cast your vote (or even offer your own list) in the message board in the following pages because I really think we could all benefit from a mini griping session about The Hills. After last night’s episode — in which the focus was once again on Audrina’s doormat ways — I can’t think of anything I’d rather do than bitch and moan. (It can actually be cathartic. Go on. Try it.)

The episode seemed to have started off on the right foot, with Audrina admitting to her coworker Chiara that she’d finally realized that Justin Bobby’s vicious cycle of heartbreak was getting tiresome. Of course, the minute I saw the episode’s title on the screen — “I want you to be with me” — I just knew Audrina’s confession was going to somehow wind up being just a giant tease.

Fast-forward to a studio session with “recording artist” Brandy (thanks, subtitle, we would never have known who she was otherwise), where Audrina and Chiara were hard at work doing…well, I don’t really know what they were doing there because I’m not even sure what their fake job titles are. Apparently Audrina took the “Heidi Montag Fast Track to Success” course because she’s now able to advise music acts on their album cover art. I don’t know what’s worse: asking Audrina for her opinion, or making an appearance on The Hills in an obvious attempt to gain publicity. Has Brandy really reached a point in her career where she needs an MTV reality show to boost her profile? Guess so. Her new song did make for a nice background soundtrack to Audrina’s talk with Justin outside the studio, at least.

Yes, like the sketch ball he is, Justin showed up at the studio to have a “talk” with Audrina. Couldn’t he have waited until after she was done with her so-called job before they had their heart-to-heart? I so wish Chiara had dramatically blocked the doorway in a desperate attempt to stop her friend from going down the same pothole-riddled road again. It would’ve made for much better TV than what actually played out, which was Chiara giving Audrina a tsk-tsk look, and Audrina saying defensively, “I can’t keep running from it, I have to talk to him.”

Just the night before, Audrina had gone on a date with sweet-as-pie Corey and shrugged off any sort of conversation about Justin Bobby, explaining to Corey that Cabo was basically a “boy’s weekend.” Then, as soon as J. Bob rolled back into Audrina’s life, she was suddenly over the Aussie and back onto (figuratively speaking) Justin Bobby’s motorcycle. “I feel like I’ve just been kind of trying to convince and make myself like someone where, it’s like, someone else is still on my mind,” Audrina said to J.B. His reply? Oh, it’s another one for the Justin Bobby Hall of Fame. “I think we have something special,” he said, “I just think that to be in a relationship, you kinda got be, like, together.” Quick, TV Watchers, go grab a pen and paper and write that down because it’s just so powerful. A relationship involves being together? Who knew?

NEXT: Chivalry is dead

The denim-vested dude then continued his profound speech by calling himself a “catch-22” (I can think of a few other words he should call himself), and stating that 90 percent of the time he doesn’t think anything negative about Audrina whatsoever. I’m not quite sure what that even means, but hey, that’s only 10 percent shy of 100, so the odds — whatever they may be — are so in her favor. Next, he threw out the “I want you to be with me” quote that I was dreading, and they embraced.

Thankfully Chiara was around to confront Audrina about running back into Justin Bobby’s hairy arms again. “He said all the right things,” Audrina gushed, “and I don’t think he would do that just to play with me.” Sweetie, do I need to print out all of my past TV Watches, which outline my rage for J. Bob so that you will understand just why it is he would do exactly that to play with you? He’s a mastermind at it and you’re his clueless doe-eyed puppet. “He can’t just keep coming and sweeping you off your feet,” Chiara argued with a little bit of an eye roll. “I think he gets scared when he thinks he’s going to lose you, and he likes that he’s got you wrapped around his little finger.” With that comment alone, I nominate Chiara for the same coworker gold medal of honor that we awarded to Elodie last season. In fact, how about we petition MTV to scrap the current Hills cast and make a new one out of Chiara, Elodie, and heck, even Heidi’s new work pal Kimberly — all three are much more interesting than any of the main females on the cast (save Whitney and Lo, both of whom I wouldn’t mind seeing more of).

Chiara ended her inquisition by saying, “You really think you can sit Corey down and be like, ‘You’ve been nothing but fantastic, but I don’t want to be with you at all?'” Yep. Audrina did just that later on, only moments after Corey invited her to visit Australia and gave her a tiny stuffed koala bear (oh, come on, I know most of you were thinking “awwww”). Corey took the news just as I’d suspected he would, with respect and dignity.

Brody and Cameron could learn a thing or two from the Aussie because last night they acted — or at least threatened to act — in the opposite manner. Brody, who admittedly hates being anywhere near Stephanie, got all riled up when Lauren told him that Spencer had been giving his sister crap because her new beau Cameron hadn’t been standing up to her foes (mainly: Brody) on her behalf like any gallant boyfriend should. If Cameron were to do so, Brody said, “I would be like, ‘Listen, homey, why don’t I pull you outside and tell you a couple of things about your little girlfriend, who you don’t know.'” Later on at Crown Bar, Cameron claimed he was planning to give Brody a piece of his mind. “If Brody comes, I’ll take him aside and have a talk with him,” Cameron said to Stephanie. “You’re my girlfriend and nothing will make me more awkward than people talking to you like that.” Well, it’s official: These boys are all talk and no action because absolutely nothing went down between them other than a few prolonged glances. I don’t know about you guys, but I was kind of disappointed that a bro fight didn’t go down. I could so see Brody ripping off his ski hat and saying, “Yeah, homey? Whatdya got? Don’t play like that, man. Homies don’t front, playa.”

The next day, Cameron decided not to join Stephanie, Spencer, and Heidi for brunch at some restaurant called Waffle. Spencer, of course, made She-Pratt feel guilty about Cameron’s absence. Let’s be honest, Cameron was probably better off staying home, though, because who really wants pieces of Spencer’s shaggy mane flying into their food? I certainly wouldn’t.

Until next week, TV Watchers, tell me: How many more episodes do you estimate it will take for Justin Bobby to screw up his “relationship” with Audrina? And how many more episodes do you estimate it will be until she has another new nice guy to break it off with? Not that he did, but do you think it’s Cameron’s place to stand up to Brody on Stephanie’s behalf? Finally, does anyone else have “The Boy Is Mine” stuck in their head thanks to Brandy’s cameo?

Episode Recaps

The Hills

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