After Lauren, Lo, and Audrina have a housewarming for their giant new place, Lauren goes out for dinner with Stephen from 'Laguna' and learns that his feelings for her are platonic
The Hills, Lauren Conrad

”The Hills” recap: A ”Laguna” do-over

So last week on The Hills, Lauren, Audrina, and Lo began discussing moving into a house together, and then this weekpoof — they have a house! The real estate market in L.A. moves really fast, doesn’t it? It must be because they were willing to shell out $2 million for their mini-mansion. That’s right, folks: According to reports, the trio’s new chateau did cost that much. [Insert mouth drop here.] Besides the fact that I’m pretty sure their closets are bigger than my entire New York apartment — I know, I know, L.A. is a totally different city, but still! — how in the world do stars of a reality show afford a place like that? Here’s a theory: Maybe Lauren upped the prices on her clothing line (which, as we know, is filled with cute but very simple pieces that I’ve seen for way cheaper at places like H&M). Or maybe MTV bought it for them as a thank-you-for-getting-us-ratings gift. And, are any of you wondering how much the girls are each paying, if anything? Does Audrina chip in more because she has the entire guesthouse to herself? Are they paying extra for security, since it seems like everyone in the world now knows where they live? Do they rent or own? Am I thinking way too much about all of this? Yeah, I probably am.

”It’s going to be an amazing party house, are you kidding?” gushed Lo about the new place — which for the sake of this TV Watch and my own typing purposes, I am now officially dubbing the ALL house. (Can you hear it now: ALL parties, ALL the time!) ”We have to have the best housewarming party, honestly,” said Lauren. Then, just as fast as the house was purchased, a housewarming party was in the works. Lauren told Lo that Stephen Colletti was planning on stopping by, and this news made Lo super giddy. ”You guys are hanging out again,” she said to Lauren. ”That melts my little black heart.” Oh, Lo, comments like that melt my little black heart. I love that she can admit that she’s a vixen; it makes her all that more likable. ”You always loved Stephen,” said Lo. ”That’s exciting.” ”It’s not exciting, it’s not a thing,” Lauren said. ”It can’t be a thing because if it’s a thing, then it gets this buildup, and then I get my hopes up.” Wow, was that an actual admission by Lauren that was personal instead of scripted? Has she graced us with some kind of human emotion other than bitterness, jealousy, or apathy?

Before I continue on about the episode, I wanted to mention that Ryan Seacrest aired a very juicy interview yesterday with Lo and Stephen. Highlights included the revelations that Lo is about to graduate from UCLA (it’s about time someone on this show got a college degree!), that Stephanie Pratt pretty much can’t stand Lo, and that Stephen was merely making an appearance on last night’s show because Hills exec producer Adam Divello asked him too! So much for ”reality” and the possibility of Lauren and Stephen rekindling their almost romance. Also — not that I want to give him any more unnecessary publicity — Spencer called into the radio show and went off about Lauren’s alleged sex tape (go figure) and his ”flawless” (his word, I swear) relationship with Heidi. Seriously, people, this is a must-listen!

Okay, back to more important matters: the housewarming party. So Brody not only showed up with a gift in hand (the ALL house’s third juicer!), he also brought along his infamous girlfriend (you know, the one he met and apparently fell in love with while Lauren was in Paris for only one week), Cora, who according to Lo, is ”very pretty with very large breasts.” Lauren solemnly nodded in agreement but was immediately revived by the sight of Stephen walking in, chomping fiercely on a piece of gum. The two did the small-talk thing, and then he invited her out to dinner. Or on a date — she wasn’t really sure.

NEXT: Gin and platonic

At the dinner, Stephen asked Lauren all about her roomies and if they were dating anyone, and when Audrina came up, Lauren said she thought she was back with Justin Bobby. ”You guys don’t talk about that at all?” he asked before adding, ”Then again, she is in the guesthouse.” Way to put Lauren in her place, Colletti. ”She can walk into the house,” Lauren responded somewhat snidely. ”The house is hers too.” Seems like there’s already trouble brewing in the ALL paradise. At the housewarming party Lauren had also said to Stephen, ”Yeah [Justin and Audrina] kinda hang out in the back house a lot,” and then added, ”I don’t think we’re allowed back there.” What? That’s odd. If the cameras are allowed back there, why wouldn’t Audrina’s housemates be? Anyway, back at the dinner, Lauren switched topics by bringing up how Lo is dying for a spark to reignite between her and Stephen. ”She’s kind of like everyone else that’s wishing that something would happen between you and I,” he said. ”I told my mom that we were going to dinner, and she was all, ‘Oh, really? What’s going on?’ I’m like ‘Can I see a good friend and just have dinner with them, and can it just be, you know, platonic?’ ” And with that, our suspicions were confirmed that their outing was not a date. Even so, it was nice to see Stephen again and somewhat relive the good ol’ Laguna Beach days. And I say ”good ol’ ” mainly because I miss the time before Speidi joined forces on The Hills and made all of us want to constantly chuck our remote controls at our TV sets.

No joke, I almost did so last night when Stephanie walked into the Karma Coffeehouse (or, as I now want to refer to it, the Bad Karma Coffeehouse) to find her deadbeat brother chilling on a couch. She mentioned she was planning on going to Lauren’s party, and he said, ”Do you have any, like, family loyalty?…How am I supposed to tell Heidi that you’re thinking of going to L.C.’s party?” ”I’ll tell Heidi,” Stephanie said. ”Heidi put this behind her, I feel like…I feel like you’re the one holding a grudge.” Well, she’s right, it’s obvious to anyone that he is vengeful. In fact, at this point, I think my 86-year-old grandpa even knows Spencer is out for blood. But Stephanie was wrong to think Heidi isn’t. ”I really thought you’d be cool with this,” Stephanie said to her supposed best bud later on. ”What would make you think that?” Heidi replied. ”If you are feeling guilty and asking for permission, then that’s because you feel like you’re doing something wrong. You can do whatever you want.” The two continued to bicker back and forth until Heidi tried to clarify her anger by saying, ”I don’t get why you can be friends with her. The one person in my life I don’t get along with, and you’re becoming best friends with her. Like, where’s your loyalty?” Um, was Spencer feeding her these lines through the wall or something? Or has he just completely brainwashed her so that she now thinks and talks exactly like him? My money’s on the latter — just look at how effective her guilt trip was on Stephanie. ”I don’t know how this all started,” Stephanie said disappointedly, ”but I mean, I won’t go….You wanna watch a movie or something?” Dear, dear She-Pratt, there are bigger and better friend fish in the sea. Go find them and ditch Heidi!

Honestly, enough with the loyalty stuff. These story lines really haven’t progressed much since this season started. And from the looks of the previews for next week, it doesn’t seem like they will anytime soon. Particularly, we saw a clip of Heidi getting on a private plane for work just as Spencer goes to her apartment looking for her. Dun dun dun.

What did you think of the previews for next week, TV Watchers? And what’s your take on the new dynamics of the ALL household? Is Audrina being treated unfairly, or are things just edited that way? Finally, has Justin Bobby’s haircut (now that we’ve seen it in full force) made him less slimy, or is that just my delusion?

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