'The Hills' recap: Here they go again?

If Sarah Palin has spawned a new drinking game for all the times she’s used the word “maverick,” then one also needs to be implemented for the girls of The Hills, surrounding the (major over) use of the words “best friend.” It was only said four times last night (yes, I went back and counted as I am a loyal TV Watcher), but could you imagine how drunk you would be if you played the Hills BFF Drinking Game (yes, that’s the name I’m going to use to market it) while watching an entire season on DVD? Maybe I should try it out next week and then write this recap. I bet my editors would just love correcting all of my inevitable spelling errors and random rants about facial hair!

Those loathsome BF initials (mostly for “best friend,” but in Audrina’s case, for “boyfriend”) were the focus of last night’s episode. Before we get to Audrina’s BF issues, though, let’s focus on Lauren’s because, even though I’d rather skip over anything having to do with her ever rekindling her friendship with Heidi, I know it’s a necessary evil that comes with the territory.

So Lauren expressed to Lo, who apparently now goes by the nickname Lo-ey (does that mean I should be referring to Audrina as Audriny?), that she was excited to hang out with Holly later on that night but was worried that “she wants to play matchmaker with me and her sister.” Uh, matchmaker? I can’t decide if the use of that term there is creepy or innovative. But anyway, it turns out that Lauren was (go figure) right, Holly was channeling some sort of twisted version of Cupid.

Over lunch with said Cupid that same day, Heidi gave her typical woe-is-me speech about losing her — all together now — best friend, only this time, she almost cracked a little bit and started crying. Either that, or my janky 12 inch TV screen made it look like her eyes got red and watery (mental note: Invest in an HDTV, stat). “I think Lauren thinks she was the only one hurt in this,” Heidi confessed, “You know, I’ve been the one on my own, and to lose my best friend, and to lose all of my friends, you know, it’s just been so hard.” Holly’s solution? Oh, that Heidi should write Lauren an old-fashioned letter. Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate Holly’s benevolent and straightforward nature, but this is 2008, not 1908. We have a thing called e-mail and, for that matter, Facebook. Also, what made either of them think that a handwritten note was going to be the missing key to unlock this long-lost friendship treasure?

NEXT: Lauren isn’t quite moved

I wish we could’ve seen Lauren’s reaction when she opened her mailbox to find the note inside. I’ll bet the Montag sisters were hoping it was something along the lines of this (to be imagined in your best Old English accent): “What’s this? Oh, a letter…from Heidi? She misses our friendship…is sorry! Oh, bugger, who cares that it’s been two years? I must go to her now so we can build upon what’s been broken. This is the dawn of a new era.”

Of course, that’s precisely the opposite of what went down when Lauren got the letter, which she blatantly handed to Whitney so it could, you know, be read on national TV: “Lauren, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about everything. I am so sorry for any negative or hurtful comment I have ever said. That is not how I feel or who I am. I think you are a great person, and I will always cherish our memories. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. I really wish things hadn’t turned out this way, but I take responsibility. This whole thing has also been really hard for me. Sincerely, Heidi Montag”

Setting aside the fact that she signed it with her last name (because I’m sure Lauren knows at least two other Heidi’s with whom she is currently clashing), it did, as Whitney commented, seem like a genuine letter. After all, she does owe a lot to Lauren (ahem, she landed her a cushy gig on a reality show), and she probably is — somewhere deep down inside — apologetic for her immature behavior in the past. Still, I just can’t get fully behind any of this nonsense because I don’t think Heidi has the ability to do anything meaningful anymore without some sort of ulterior motive behind it. If she’s truly hoping for a clean slate, she should try communicating with Lauren when the cameramen aren’t around.

NEXT: A world without Spencer

Lauren’s campaign against a friendship with Heidi has to do with one significant (and utterly dreadful) topic: Spencer. The question she posed to Audrina — “Where do you think we’d all be if Heidi never met Spencer?” — got me thinking, too. Here’s how I envision the Hills world if Spencer never entered it: ? Heidi and Lauren would still be roommates, but at this point, would have moved to a plush three-bedroom condo (Jen Bunney hopped onto the lease, too) overlooking the Hollywood sign. Lauren would be paying for a majority of the rent, though, as Heidi would still be an assistant at Bolthouse having never worked up the balls to take Elodie’s promotion from her.

? Audrina, who was let go from the show after producers found her presence to be too dull to be memorable, would be spending her days bartending on the Sunset Strip. Auditions for a brunette to fill her place would have landed an unknown wannabe singer named Katherine McPhee on the show.

? When given the option of free plastic surgery, Heidi would have declined, causing celebrity weekly magazines to run the headline: Heidi Montag: “I’m happy with my flat chest and lips that actually move.”

? Without all the publicity and exposure from the caddy war with Speidi, Teen Vogue would’ve kept Lauren and Whitney around, eventually moving Whitney to the New York offices for her own spin-off. Kelly Cutrone would still be the fabulous bitchy diva that she is.

? Brody, whose reality show career would’ve ended with the short-lived Princes of Malibu, would have been offered a gig hosting FUSE’s Pants-Off Dance-Off. Only his manager and best pal, Spencer would’ve advised against it, forcing Brody to instead work as an errand boy for Joe Francis.

? Stephanie Pratt, who was denied acceptance into FIDM, would be in rehab.

I think we should play that game every week! It was a lot more fun than, say, analyzing Audrina’s so-called boy troubles. Last night, she went on a date with some dude named Colin, who is the self-proclaimed “happiest drunk you’ll ever meet.” He seemed like a pretty decent guy (well, except for the fact that he was a little overeager, asking Audrina out two nights in a row), so it’s unfortunate that Audrina couldn’t stop talking about Justin Bobby on their outings. I find it a little ironic that Audriny was complaining about J. Bob’s lack of commitment to her, yet the MTV people still insist on labeling him as “Audrina’s boyfriend.” I guess I would be just as frustrated as her if a guy I was dating used vague phrases like, “There’s ways to go about things, you know, maturely — and maybe immaturely sometimes.” With the introduction of BMX champ Corey Bohan next week, looks like be Audrina’s love life may be getting much-needed flavor.

Until next time, TV Watchers, tell me: Where do you think our show would be if Spencer were never a part of it? What did you think of Heidi’s letter? How much did you love when Holly stood up to Spencer (“The point is there’s still a chance, and especially since it doesn’t involve you, it sounds like a great option”)? Finally, do you think Lauren did or did not hook up with Justin Bobby, as it’s been rumored?