Feeling the need to distance herself from Spencer, Heidi manages to get a business trip to Las Vegas; plus, Audrina feels that her guesthouse is not a home
Heidi Montag, The Hills

”The Hills” recap: Heidi flees Spencer

Let’s get one thing out of the way, shall we? And by that I mean one annoying, predictable, godforsaken thing we must endure each week: Speidi. Yes, those blond children of Satan who relish cosmetic surgery and homemade music videos were at it again last night on The Hills with yet another contrived, bo-ring story line. At the beginning of the episode, Heidi met with Bolthouse boss man Brent, used a few big words (well, for Heidi, they were) like ”expanding” and ”brilliant,” and somehow became a new so-called project manager, ”helping open up all the Hydes and stuff, working on more of, like, the hotels, maybe going to Vegas coming up.” (See, she’s already transformed herself into an eloquent professional.) This news prompted the rising star to brag to her banged-out coworker Kimberly, who then asked what Spencer was going to say, and Heidi bluntly responded, ”I don’t care.”

Apparently this wasn’t an exaggeration, because later, when Stephanie popped on over to Heidi’s place as she normally does, Heidi, who touched the front of her hair more times in the span of two minutes than most girls do in hours, told her the news about her upcoming travels and with a very serious face said, ”It’s good because I just need to kind of clear my head.” Loved Stephanie’s response here: ”In Vegas? In Sin City? That’s where you’re gonna clear your head?” ”There’s nothing really holding me back,” Heidi said in response. Oh, please — if it’s not ”I need a girl’s night,” then it’s ”I need to go to [name of city where Spencer can easily find me] to clear my head.” I’m so over your ”needs,” Heidi. When exactly did they ”officially” break up anyway? Did I miss the memo or something? Last time I checked (on the show at least, not on the Internet), the darling couple was fighting over Spencer’s buying a shot for a girl at a bar. I don’t recall ever hearing the words ”We’re through!” out of either of their mouths (or at least hearing them muttered in any kind of serious way). And believe me, if I did, I think I would’ve thrown a party.

Heidi eventually mumbled some more BS to Stephanie, including a request that she not mention anything to Spencer about her trip to Vegas because it ”isn’t his business.” Which, of course, means next week it will become his business. After all, we did see the poor thing get kicked out of his sister’s apartment (’bout freaking time!) and wander aimlessly back over to Heidi’s. But — gasp — she had disappeared. Cue the sad, soul-searching music in the background as Spencer desperately called his sister and asked where his better half was. None of this footage tugged at my heartstrings as it was intended (I’m sure it didn’t tug at yours, either), but it did activate my vomit reflex.

And I’ve now, yet again, dedicated way too much time and space to a couple who are, as we are all reminded every week — no, make that day — by the gossip sites, still together. Heck, just over the weekend they were flaunting their ”flawless” relationship at the Kentucky Derby. Yup, there goes that vomit reflex again.

NEXT: Two’s company, Audrina’s crowded out

Back on over at the recently formed Audrina-Lauren-Lo house, there was mounting tension between wallflower Audrina and candid Lo. Audrina had invited her roomies to come watch the band Alkaline Trio’s recording session, where she claimed it was her responsibility to make sure everything went smoothly. (Side note: It would be very easy for me to harp on this record-company gig of Audrina’s here — e.g., a receptionist doesn’t just get promoted into a job where she supervises recording sessions — but I’m going to let it go because we haven’t ever had to watch Audrina take fake meetings with her boss or get awarded an office with a view just for dressing sort of slutty). Lo was obviously reluctant about spending her day inside a studio, but she still tagged along, only to complain she was hungry and drag Lauren to dinner just minutes after they’d arrived. ”I think Audrina wanted us to stay the entire time,” Lauren said to Lo over sushi (or should I say, mobile sushi?) later on. ”I just feel bad,” she said. ”I feel like it may be a little different now that you live in there because sometimes it’s like pulling teeth trying to get her to, like, talk about stuff, where as you are like one of the first people I call.” ”It’s a different dynamic,” said Lo, ”because we’ve been best friends since we were little.”

NEXT: Puppy love-hate

Adding fuel to the ALL fire was Chloe, the puppy Lauren and Lo adopted together from a shelter (because all of their eyes matched or something). Audrina seemed to light up when she met the new housemate, but then her smile quickly faded into a frown — or, you know, the scene was edited to seem as if it did — as soon as Lo said, ”In puppy daycare, she’s going to be like, ‘I have two mommies.’ ” Feeling left out and in need of guidance, Audrina sought out none other than Justin Bobby. ”It just seems like it’s been really awkward lately,” she told him. ”So why even be here at all?” he asked. ”I chose the guesthouse in the back just because I’m more of a private person,” Audrina responded, ”whereas Lauren and Lo, they share everything….I’m not like that….I just feel like we’re just distant.” And, can I just say aha! We can all put to rest those rumors that Lauren and Lo stuck Audrina in the guesthouse, now that she’s admitted it was her decision. ”Then it’s like, whenever I do make an effort to talk to [Lo] as a friend,” Audrina continued, ”she rolls her eyes, or she turns her head, or like texts on her phone. I’m like, I’m not going to talk to someone who does that to me….I treat people how I want to be treated.” ”Exactly,” said Justin. ”If you don’t feel like you’re getting that same respect, see some other places. Maybe just check something out for you.” ”Maybe I will look at places,” she responded. Wow. Since when did this girl get all ballsy and open with her emotions? And since when did J. Bob become so patient and reasonable? Did he complete rehab with the Dalai Lama or something? I mean, it’s amazing what happens when we can see his face when he talks!

I’ve been an avid Lo supporter on my TV Watches this season, so I’m not about to completely resign from her fan club, but from the looks of the previews for next week — when Lauren seems to cry after Audrina tells her that it’s Lo’s fault they’re grown apart — there is some obvious truth behind this ALL house rift. Sure, Lo is stubborn, opinionated, and sometimes downright rude, but in the end, I’d pick that any day over other reality-show personalities that don’t have nearly as much oomph. Lo’s often explained her tight bond with Lauren by saying they’ve known each other longer. Not to stir the pot any further here, but she has a point: Sometimes when it comes to girlfriends, the ones you’ve known longest hold a certain amount of clout in your life. That’s not to say that Lauren shouldn’t be friends with Audrina, too. But now that at all three are living together, there’s inevitably going to be those old friend vs. new friend battles — as silly as they are, they do happen. Part of me wants to feel bad for the way Audrina’s being treated, but then the other part of me is wondering why it’s taking her so long to speak up. Also, why hasn’t Lauren ever tried to talk to Lo about being nicer to Audrina? Does she just not notice the tension, or does she just not care?

It’s your turn, TV Watchers. Tell me below: What are your thoughts on the ALL house drama? Do you really think it’s that bad, or is that just the way it’s being edited? If you had to pick a side, would you be on Team Lo or Team Audrina? Finally, now that Spencer’s been kicked out of his sister’s, where do you think he should live? And if he’s broken up with Heidi, why does he still have a key to her place?

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