After Spencer learns that his sister is friends with Lauren, all heck breaks loose; plus, Whitney spends more time with her boss from heck, and what the heck are those soap commercials about?
Spencer Pratt, The Hills
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”The Hills” recap: Friendship wars

Get excited — it’s another two-episodes-in-one-night TV Watch. According to MTV, though, The Hills will revert to one 30-minute episode next week. (Sorry, friends!) Maybe that means we’ll finally be done with those way-too-long Dove Fresh Takes commercials. After three weeks, I still don’t get the point of them. Feel free to enlighten me if you do.

Anyway, back to the real reason you’re reading this: The Hills! On the first episode last night, Stephanie did the worst thing she could ever do to her brother: attend Lauren’s birthday party. She was worrying about doing so (or, you know, pretending to worry) because she’s ”Spencer’s sister,” but then she was practically coerced into committing the crime after she and Spencer got into an argument about what he’s doing with his life. I know, I know, all of us at home were wondering that very same thing, too. We’ve never actually heard of him having a legit job (besides, of course, being a professional douchebag; props to TV Watcher Ames for that one!), so it’s a little weird that only now — when he’s not living with his beloved — does the topic of employment come up. Wouldn’t you love to see him take on menial labor, even if just for one measly episode? I vote he works the drive-through window at a McDonald’s or shines shoes at an airport. It’s the least he could do for putting the innocent people of the world through his BS. (His latest publicity stunt is an advice column.) With the bratty attitude he gave his sister about being his maid and changing his sheets, however, I doubt he would ever work a blue-collar job. A girl can dream, though.

So Stephanie and her actress pal Roxy (remember her? She was there the night Stephanie originally yelled at Lauren, and if she looks familiar for other reasons, she had a brief appearance on Brothers & Sisters last year) headed on over to Lauren’s birthday fiesta at S Bar, where Heidi’s co-worker/confidante Kimberly happened to be conveniently working the front door. (More on that later, though.) Lo and Audrina gave Stephanie fake smiles and then proceeded to talk about the ”awkward” situation with each other. ”Stephanie may have really good intentions,” Lo said, ”but in the end, Spencer is still her brother. It’s still family, and you always stick up for your family first.” Audrina added, ”It’s just really weird, and I think something’s up. Something’s sketchy.” While they do make good points (that we, um, also heard them make last week), I don’t really think anyone who doesn’t know if ”water under the bridge” is actually an expression is really all that harmful. (In case you didn’t catch this — dare I say it? — blond moment of Stephanie’s, go back and watch her convo with Lauren during Audrina and Lo’s heart-to-heart. Ah, the joys of alcohol-influenced conversations.)

NEXT: Heidi finds out

The next morning at the bustling Bolthouse offices, Heidi was shuffling papers on her desk busy at work when Kimberly interrupted and dropped the bomb that Stephanie was at S Bar the night before for Lauren’s party. ”I don’t understand Lauren’s logic,” Heidi said. ”Like that’s so crazy to me that Lauren won’t even talk to me because of my boyfriend, but she’ll hang out with my boyfriend’s sister. It’s so weird.” Okay, she has a point. If Lauren wants nothing to do with Spencer, then why would she ever want to befriend a relative of his? That said, I think Heidi should really get past this whole Lauren isn’t speaking to me because of my boyfriend idea by now — we all know there’s a lot more to the end of that friendship than the mere presence of Beavis. (Yes, I’m bringing the nickname back!)

On an unrelated note, I feel it is my duty to point out this exchange between Kimberly and Heidi at the end of their talk:

Heidi: All right I’m going to get back to…[trails off].

Kimberly: Yeah. I’m working on Coachella.

Heidi: Okay, I’ll schedule it in.

Uh, is it just me, or does that not make any sense at all? What is she scheduling in? Coachella is a three-day music festival, not a meeting or a lunch. And into what exactly is she scheduling that ”in”? Her virtual Day-Timer? Or is ”I’ll schedule it in” on Heidi’s handy pocket list of ”Pretend you work in corporate America” expressions, which we know from last week also includes ”Here’s those files.”

Back to the matter at hand. Heidi called up Spencer immediately to tell him about Stephanie’s betrayal, and it was interesting that there weren’t any cameras on him when she made the call. Could it mean that this situation was, for once, not prearranged by the powers that be at MTV? If you take into account the conversation between Beavis and his sis later on, it almost seems so. ”It’s just insane to me,” he said to Stephanie. ”The fact that she talks to you freaks me out. I guess I’m very different than people like you, people like Brody….” ”Stop putting me in the same category,” Stephanie interjected, and he continued: ”The fact that you don’t think it’s crazy is what’s so crazy to me.” At this point, Stephanie (who from what we know isn’t an aspiring actress) started crying. ”I just cannot believe you want to keep this fight going,” she told him. ”Like we get it. Everyone gets it, Spencer. You need to stop having enemies, Spencer.” Eventually, he told her that it wasn’t his fault she was crying, that she did it to herself. Either way: Is it crazy of me to believe her tears were real? (That’s what she told Ryan Seacrest.) After the fight, she even got up and faced away from the camera to blow her nose. Maybe the Diet Coke’s wearing off, and I’m just reading too much into this moment. Yeah, I’ll just go with that.

She-Pratt wasted no time reporting back to Lauren that Spencer was ”such a jerk” when he found out she went to Lauren’s party. I just found it completely amusing that the two girls felt the need to whisper in class. Are we supposed to believe that their teacher (and the rest of the class for that matter) wasn’t aware of the camera crew taping them as they chatted?

Eventually, Heidi got a chance to offer her reaction to Stephanie about her budding friendship with Lauren, and it pretty much was the same as Spencer’s. (”I don’t believe this…” yada yada yada.) Stephanie said, ”I’m sorry, like, what do you want me to do? Like we do have fashion in common.” ”I mean, every girl has fashion in common,” Heidi responded, and I do have to give her some credit for that one, because really, Stephanie? That’s your best excuse? ”Just be careful with [Lauren],” said Heidi, ”because one minute you’re her best friend, and then the next minute…” But was she saying that because she’s jealous or because she’s actually looking out for Stephanie? Only time will tell, I guess.

NEXT: More fun with the scariest boss in the world

In the second episode, Whitney filled Lauren in on her experience working at the Sass & Bide show in New York, and Lauren exclaimed, ”That’s like my ideal job.” Funny, here I thought her ideal job was designing for her own clothing label. Oh, that must only be ideal in her real life. Silly me.

Whit’s new boss, Kelly Cutrone, called a meeting with her troops to discuss her rules for L.A.’s upcoming Fashion Week. (I caught Cutrone over the weekend in an episode of MTV’s True Life called ”I’m Going to Fashion Week.” Did anyone else see that? People’s Revolution is really working its connection with the network these days.) ”What’s expected of you,” Cutrone said, ”is complete devotion. So any kind of concepts of like nine-to-five L.A. — not happening here. I would plan to be here every night until at least 11 o’clock. You’re going to wear all black, I don’t want to see your boobs, I don’t want to see any piercings. If you have tattoos, I don’t really care; I don’t want to see them. Do not roll your eyes at me. Do not question what it is we’re asking of you to do. I’m not here to be your friend.” Phew, is that all?

That list of rules alone made me very eager to see more of Cutrone. Fortunately, Lauren found a way to finagle her way into the company, too! She stopped by to go to lunch with Whitney and somehow ended up being offered a gig to help them out with Fashion Week in the process. And, with that, folks, the story line of how she’s going to get out of her lonely Teen Vogue internship is set in motion.

Nightlife on The Hills was lively in this episode as well, with Heidi hitting ”the scene” for the first time in a while with Stephanie. (”That used to be my life,” Heidi said, referring to the good old days before she had a ”job.”) First stop was Vice, where Audrina and her coworker friend Chiara also happened to be. Heidi plopped down next to her old pal and said, ”We were friends before. We always hung out and then…” ”It’s just I try to stay out of what’s not my business anymore,” Audrina replied, ”because I don’t really get what’s going on around me half the time want to get involved.” The more Heidi went on about needing her girlfriends and ”that support system,” the more Audrina just looked uninterested.

The next day, Stephanie told Lauren about her run-in with Audrina and somehow translated the conversation that took place between Heidi and Audrina at Vice to mean that the two of them were ”cool now.” No idea where or how she got that impression, but I think that might have been a glimpse into Stephanie’s ability to stir up drama. Lauren, of course, confronted Audrina about it and told her to ”be careful” (how many times do we need to hear those two words this season?), adding, ”I think that you’re a really nice person and that sometimes people take advantage of that.” Ouch, was that her way of calling Audrina a pushover or what?

Heidi found an excuse to enter her old apartment again by asking if she could pick up a few of her things from Audrina while Lauren was out. (I somehow doubt Lauren would have kept Heidi’s stuff after all this time, but I’ll let that detail slide for now.) Heidi dove right into the question of the moment: ”So how about Lauren and Stephanie being friends?” Audrina replied, ”I know….It’s weird how the world works.”

I’ll leave you with that (deep?) thought, TV Watchers, and if you’re feeling insightful yourselves, tell me below: Whose side are you on: Beavis’ or Stephanie’s? Do you really think she was crying? Would you ever want to work for a boss like Kelly Cutrone? What would you think if Audrina rekindled her friendship with Heidi? Finally, would anyone be upset if I skipped over the hundredth scene of Heidi fighting with Spencer next week?

The Hills (TV Show)
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