'The Hills' recap: Choices, choices

“I haven’t had this happen in a long time,” Audrina said somewhat arrogantly to Lauren in last night’s episode of The Hills. No, she wasn’t referring to answering a question right on Jeopardy!, or to getting an offer for a spread in Playboy. What she meant was that she was once again juggling two guys at once. On one skinny arm, she has Justin Bobby, the brooding bad boy with a penchant for retro hats and philosophical thoughts (which never quite make any sense when they come out of his mouth). On the other skinny arm, she has Corey, an Australian BMX rider with a super cute accent (natch) who has a penchant for tattoos and for being about 500 times better than J. Bobby in every single category. (Most notably: He actually looks at Audrina when she talks.)

Sounds like there should be no competition here then, right? Wrong! This is Audrina we’re talking about. She is a glutton for bad boys, and after four years of going back and fourth with Justin Bobby (yeah, I didn’t think it had been that long. Time to move on, girl. He’s already gone through, what, three haircuts?), she’s still not ready to give up on him. On the other hand, she was obviously ready to show off her, uh, “bad girl” (for lack of a more PC phrase) side to the MTV cameras during two noteworthy events last night.

Following a casual date with Corey at the Woo Lae Oak restaurant in Beverly Hills, where the two admitted they were both in “stress-free” moments in their lives in terms of dating and relationships (if that were the case, then why would I be sitting here typing paragraphs about Audrina’s tortured love life? Actually, don’t answer that), he uttered the token line, “Let’s get out here.” She said, “It’s a perfect night to go swimming,” and then — bam — it was all of a sudden the next morning, and the pair emerged from Audrina’s humble abode. We’re all old enough to do the math on this equation, so why did it feel a tad scandalous for them to have a sleepover so soon? Maybe it’s because the way the episodes are edited is so out of whack sometimes that we never really know the true background of any of these relationships (Lauren did mention that Whitney had been introduced to Corey last Halloween, so that’s at least a decent amount of time for Audrina to have known him). Plus, we never ever get to see boys coming out of Whitney’s, Lo’s, or Lauren’s rooms (yes, I’ll admit it. I, too, am dying to know if Lauren is really dating My Boys cutie Kyle Howard), so Audrina, by default, now kind of looks like the town hussy.

NEXT: Speidi drama

Audrina’s second “bad girl” act of the night happened at the very end of the episode, when she and J. Bobby hung out by her pool. “You can go in, and I can watch,” he said to her in a very degrading way. Then, just as she undressed, he pushed her into the pool, only adding to my (continual) disgust toward him. “If you take your top off and went over there, I’d probably have to chase you,” he teased. So what does she do? Oh, she takes her top off. Never mind that some of you horndogs out there are probably still rewinding this scene, isn’t she a little ashamed to have done that on national TV? (Thank God blurry circles didn’t need to be used.) I just hope she was drunk because this was not a romantic evening to remember. Her attempt at being a seductress just made her look like an idiot because while she was floating around naked in the pool, Justin Bobby was cackling about getting to “use his hall pass” in Cabo. And by hall pass, we all know he meant that despite Audrina, he can — and most likely, will — hook up with whomever he wants without any consequences.

Taking all of the above into consideration, it’s going to be very interesting to see what goes down in next week’s episode when a group — including Audrina, Lauren, Corey, and Justin Bobby — heads to Cabo for Brody’s birthday. Yeah, about that — during some pool party in Malibu (where do these people get the money to afford such gorgeous houses?!?), Frankie mentioned to Lauren that Brody had invited Justin Bobby to Cabo. And Lauren, of course, was all concerned because she’d noticed how really happy Audrina was around Corey and didn’t want anything to get in the way of that. Frankie made it clear that J.B. is one of the homies now, so all parties involved are going to have to suck it up. I’m still wondering: How are all these guys in one giant bromance (if you will) with each other? Remember when Heidi was dating Jordan (yes, in the cherished days before Spencer slithered along), and he and Jason Wahler hung out for what seemed like 24/7? There’s just no way these dudes are all voluntarily buddy-buddy with each other. It just seems too convenient for there not to be contractual obligations (a.k.a. money) behind it. Or maybe I’m just underestimating guys here and they really can all play nice.

Scratch that last thought: I just remembered we hadn’t discussed Spencer’s latest ludicrous stunt yet. Enraged by the outspoken Montag family, who I think deserve special medals of honor for standing up to such a jackass, Spencer set up an all-out attack to get Holly out of his apartment. He even called in reinforcements (namely: Stephanie). “Holly is just the mooch of the century,” he whined to She-Pratt at the Karma coffee shop. “I can’t imagine disliking a sister more. [Pause] Should make you feel good.” Stephanie’s blank reaction here was priceless because she couldn’t decide whether to be flattered or insulted. She advised Spencer to get Heidi to do the dirty work for him, so that’s exactly what he set out to do, only he did so by giving Heidi an totally fake ultimatum just before they headed to brunch — either Holly goes or he does.

(On a random note: What time do you suppose Heidi wakes up in the morning to get ready? Because when she headed out to brunch (which was probably on a Sunday morning), she had full makeup on and her mop of hair was neatly curled. If the MTV budget doesn’t include hair or makeup (as I’ve heard), then honestly, where does she find the time to look so overdone? Listen up, producers: These are the things we should be focusing on! Not lame fights between Spencer and Holly — we want to see Heidi’s beauty routine so we can finally understand why the heck she looks like a drag queen half the time.)

Eventually Heidi told Holly that she needed to move out because, according to Spencer, Holly had just been sitting on the couch, doing nothing productive with her days. If he maybe had a job, too, this “issue” wouldn’t even be a concern to him. “I can’t figure out your life for you,” Heidi declared to her big sis. “I don’t know how much more to help you while sacrificing my life at the same time.” There are hundreds of ways in which I could argue how ridiculous that statement was, but I’m not going to waste any of your time because we all know how much Speidi loves it when we focus all of our attention on their bogus drama.

Until we meet again, TV Watchers, make sure to tune in to MTV this Saturday for two specials (The Hills: The Lost Scenes at 1 p.m. and The Hills: According to Me at 2 p.m.), and let me know what you thought of last night’s episode below. What did you think of Audrina’s minx-like behavior? How long do you think Corey will last before Audrina goes back to J.B.? Finally, are you at all surprised that Heidi is kicking her sister out?