'The Hills' recap: Another unhappy birthday

Another week, another birthday party on The Hills. Last night’s episode began with Lauren and Stephanie discussing the latter’s birthday fiesta. Lauren was excited to attend but asked Stephanie if Speidi would be there, too. Stephanie claimed she had no idea but acted as if she preferred they didn’t because she wanted a fun night, and ”drama follows them.” Then Lauren pulled out one of those quotes that sound like they were whispered into her ear by a producer will probably reverberate throughout this entire season. (Remember ”I want to forgive you, and I want to forget you”? Of course you do.) ”I mean, I don’t know if it follows as much as they chase it.” So true, young grasshopper. But doesn’t that kind of apply to everyone on The Hills (well, minus Whitney)?

Take Lauren, for example. Did she honestly believe that she was going to show up to Stephanie’s birthday party and not have some kind of encounter with Spencer? I get that she expected She-Pratt to warn her if Speidi were planning on making an appearance — so that Lauren could avoid the awkwardness — but at the same time, it’s not Stephanie’s job to accommodate everyone’s guest-list preferences. Plus, there’s no way in hell the producers were going to pass up the opportunity to get Lauren and her nemeses within five feet of each other. It’s reality-show gold.

”I think that a lot of times,” Lauren said to Lo, ”I trust people I shouldn’t, and it turns out right, and it makes me feel a little better about it.” That philosophy, of course, blew up in Lauren’s face later on at Boulevard 3 when Speidi ”rolled up” on Stephanie’s celebration, causing about 20 oh, no, he didn’t eye rolls from Lauren, Lo, Brody, and probably even the bartender. ”Look, I don’t want drama, I just want to go have fun and party, and all this is is drama,” Brody stated when Stephanie asked why he was so eager to ditch the party. Doug, whose title had been momentarily upgraded to ”Lauren’s date,” opted to stay back with Lauren.

(By the way, how the heck is Doug already so chummy with Brody and Frankie? Was that a clause in his contract — ”must be friends with the male sidekicks on the show”? Or is this the way MTV plans to spin off Brody’s reality show Bromance? I can see the advertising now: ”You too can be cool like Doug and roll with Brody’s crew.” I mean, Doug’s already got his own website, as TV Watcher Ellie pointed out to us last week (thanks!), so there has to be some ulterior motive going on here.)

At Boulevard 3, Spencer said, ”Can you get these obnoxious chicks away?” which pushed Lauren and her crew to leave. Ignoring his jabs, Stephanie turned to Spencer and Heidi and told them how surprised she was to see them. She sounded pretty sincere when she said it, and the next day, when Spencer (in typical fashion) confronted her about what had gone down, she stood her ground. ”It’s like trying to tell Iran and Israel to get along,” Spencer said. (Uh, should we be impressed that he actually made a semi-intelligent comment? Or should we be perturbed that he compared relationships on a reality show to real problems in the world?) ”I think you’re more rash and I’m more rational,” Stephanie responded. ”Why should I stop being friends with [Lauren] if we’ve been getting along?” From this point, Beavis threw out the brother card at least a dozen times, ending the attack by telling his beloved sister that he wants nothing to do with her life so long as Lauren is in it. Am I experiencing déjà vu or have we heard them have this same conversation before? Bottom line: Spencer has nothing better to do with himself than pointlessly argue with whoever is around him who will listen, and Stephanie is certainly not going to voluntarily get rid of Lauren anytime soon if she plans to stay relevant on the show.

NEXT: The dark hairs vs. the light hairs

Case in point: At school in the days following her birthday party, Stephanie tried to smooth things over with Lauren. ”I don’t want you to think I betrayed your trust,” she said. (Again, I don’t see how this whole Spencer-showing-up thing is such a huge betrayal to Lauren, but what do I know?) Lauren, meanwhile, gave off a complete bitchy vibe. ”I mean, it’s not a secret to you that, like, all my friends say that I shouldn’t even trust you,” she said. ”And you so just kind of sent them back on that rampage.”

The drama in last night’s episode didn’t end there. We still have yet to discuss the ”dark hairs vs. the light hairs” (i.e., Audrina vs. Lo) battle still raging at the chateau. After looking over last week’s message boards, I have to say I was surprised that you guys were almost equally split on which side you’ve taken. I for sure thought there would be a clear leader (personally, I’m still leaning toward Lo). Then again, our opinions are mostly based on what we see on the show, and who knows what’s real and what’s edited to look real. For instance, when Lo and Lauren were getting ready in the bathroom, and Audrina came in and asked what time they were heading out, we saw Lauren smile and Lo scowl. She probably didn’t even scowl at Audrina, and yet all it takes is dramatic music and a dramatic pause to make us believe she did. On the flip side, Lo later looked like an angel and Audrina the devil when at the club, Lo told her she looked pretty and said, ”I’m glad we talked.” Audrina just stared into space, acting as if she couldn’t care less that words were even coming out of Lo’s mouth.

It’s a good thing we have the scenes with Whitney to break up all of the aforementioned chaos. She was invited to a big People’s Revolution staff dinner, which included boss Kelly Cutrone, who flew in from New York City for the occasion. Ever the ray of sunshine, Kelly complained over the meal that the West Coast team — particularly Jessica — was focusing too much on stylists and not enough on pitching stories. Jessica ended up getting fired, and Kelly asked Whitney to fill her bicoastal shoes. Yup, that means she’ll be working out of both the L.A. and New York offices from now on. Guess that explains why I keep hearing of Whitney sightings around the city.

On that note, TV Watchers, I’m bidding adieu. Here are a few things to ponder until we meet again: Does Lauren have a right to feel betrayed by Stephanie? What do you think of Whitney’s promotion? Better yet, what do you think about finally getting to see some of her love life in next week’s episode? Finally, did anyone else notice the ginormous blinged-out watch Heidi was wearing at Don Antonio’s?