Hell's Kitchen recap: 100? Grand!
Horrible things happen to risotto as Hell's Kitchen celebrates its centennial service
Two episodes again! Last night’s first showing involved a “family night” at Hell’s Kitchen. We should have known — if any dinner service is going to warrant a non-elimination, it’s probably going to be the one with a kids’ menu, when instead of caviar or canapes, “each table will be welcomed by an assortment of fries.”
Still, no need to ignore an entire hour of programming! The Red Team (the remaining women plus eternal cold & flu sufferer Trev) beat the Blue Team (the rest of the men including Boris, master of miso from Russia) in a “let a roulette wheel and a bunch of poor decisions determine your dish” challenge and got to zip over to Las Vegas while the others had to peel 1000 potatoes that dropped straight out of a truck. “I got my hooker boots on….” bragged Sabrina, having once again rewarded herself for winning a challenge by pinning a giant flower onto one side of her noggin. It’s like pin the tail on the donkey but for hookers.
Surprise! MAGICIANS/COMICS Penn & Teller happened to pass through the Red Team’s luxury suite at the Rio. They’re really making the rounds of all the trashy reality shows this year — who doesn’t remember their guest appearance on an episode of ABC’s True Beauty this summer? (Everyone.)
The VIP diners were Chef Ramsay’s family! Best moment of this episode: TV action hero Jack Ramsay, Gordon’s son, showing off his fresh and flavorful falsetto by singing about his order of macaroni and cheese. He’s a natural!
A green risotto was everyone’s villain. “LOOK AT ME, YOU DIRTY LITTLE F—ER!” Ramsay screamed at Vinny, whose tally of mistakes is almost approaching his tally of delusions of grandeur. “I’d make your family, your children, your wife a fresh f—ing risotto.” Meanwhile, Jillian approached the risotto problem the way she treats all of her nefarious opponents. “The freaking risotto, man, that s— hates me,” she complained. “I just want to kick risotto’s ass.”
Vinny doubled up on portions, Sabrina wasn’t confident enough to cook meat, Trev crowded Nona on garnish, Russell refused to help his teammate Rob, and Boris was working on a filthy surface. “He’s a Russian f—ing pig,” sneered Russell.
Lesson of the night: “IN ENGLAND WE EAT AT THE SAME F—ING TIME.”
But no one went home! The teams earned a 90 percent satisfaction rate. It’s possible the comment cards had simply been illegible because they were written almost exclusively in crayon. “TOMORROW’S GONNA BE A BITCH,” Ramsay promised.
Coming up: “Chef Ramsay feels the need to do something drastic.” No. No way. I don’t believe it!
Episode 8 marked the 100th dinner service at Hell’s Kitchen! After a rousing “Profitability Challenge” during which Sabrina became more annoying each time she repeated “I wanna do lamb and lentils” in the voice of a 5-year-old, the Red Team — women plus Trev — earned another reward. “I’M ON A BOAT,” bragged Sabrina from the confessional room. And for a few minutes, she and another hair flower sure were.
NEXT: A bunch of special guests who are (shockingly) not P. Diddy.
Trev announced to his new teammates, “It turns out that I’m on the right team” — a conclusion he could only have reached once he was safely dining on the waterfront while his former teammates squeezed their way into hazmat suits to fumigate the kitchen. (100th service = fumigation, duh.) Rob, the heftiest Blue Team member, looked particularly Wonkavision-esque in his fluffernutter gear. “I’m just mentally gonna lose my mind,” predicted Rob. Well, as long as his mind is okay non-mentally.
Ramsay conducted the FIRST-EVER PRE-DINNER PEP TALK OUTSIDE so that he could point up to a blimp and pretend that the purpose of the blimp was to fly over L.A. letting everyone know that Hell’s Kitchen would be open for its 100th dinner service. In reality the blimp was just to show that Gordon Ramsay can afford to hire a blimp. The night’s VIP tables would be filled with guests who have “a very special connection to Hell’s Kitchen.” Naturally, Sabrina hoped for P-Diddy. Really.
Nope! The guests were past Hell’s Kitchen winners Rock, Christina, Danny, Holli, and Holli’s eye-popping decolletage. Hello! The honorees reminisced about their happy memories of being verbally abused by Gordon Ramsay as they peered at pictures of themselves on a cake. Christina noticed Russell refusing to help out his teammate Boris. “Don’t just stand there!” she suggested. But Russell had to stand there. His disgust for Boris was just so profound. “Boris needs to go back to Russia,” Russell told us. “Boris is a brain-dead dumbf—.”
Meanwhile, over on the Red Team, Trev was not the leader anymore. He couldn’t do anything right, serving up some gross-looking gnocchi that reminded Sabrina of “a big-ass booger.” “ON A NIGHT LIKE TONIGHT? WAKE UP!” Ramsay joined in on the everybody-hates-Trev trend, eventually calling over the entire kitchen to help Trev on garnish. Jillian was laying it on the thickest, taunting Trev with the distinctive voice of an eyebrow-less Peppermint Patty. Come on, Chuck! “Trev sucks. Dude, are you stoned? Did you smoke a big fat joint before coming in here?” This is the same question I imagine the producers asking Jillian every time she opens her mouth during the confessionals.
Ramsay sent Trev out to breathe in the fresh air of failure. Without Trev, the women’s chicken was sexy. The men’s chicken, unfortunately, was pink. Rob missed the chicken on the ticket because Russell never called it out to him. Russell even finished the garnish for the chicken, seemingly to sabotage Rob. Russell sucks.
I definitely thought Ramsay would eliminate Russell in one of his SHOCKING DECISIONS, even though Boris, Rob, and Vinny were nominated to go home. But Boris had just been too disastrous for too long. Ramsay let Boris off easy with one of his staccato-y sendoffs that sound like one rushed sentence. “Boris you have a big heart inside a lot of passion I didn’t get to see every ounce of that passion give me your jacket.” Say that three times fast, but add some “f—s” for good measure. “I leave here inspired” were Boris’ final words. “Bye Boris, I love you!” squealed Sabrina from afar. They’ll be f—ing before we know it.
CLIFFHANGER: Ramsay called Trev up to the line of doom. “You know what I realized? I’m not finished yet. One more person I have to hear from.” TO BE CONTINUED. Gordon Ramsay, you dog!
Will Ramsay eliminate Trev right away, to make up for the non-elimination of episode 7? Do you wish Trev and Sabrina had murdered each other during their post-victory swear-off? Was Vinny f—ing kidding us with all of those chewy lobsters? Discuss this week’s Hell’s Kitchen episodes below!
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