Hell's Kitchen recap: Rage Against the Cuisine
I love how one internet TV listing I found for this episode included the sentence, “A contestant infuriates Chef Ramsay.” We’ve never seen that one before. I’m excited!
The first challenge: Cook for 50 EMTs, some of whom had raided the contestants in their sleep to record their blood pressure so that Gordon Ramsay could triumphantly announce that “physically there’s nothing wrong with you. It means there’s a mental block.” So unnecessary! So awesome. Breakfast was either an egg-white omelet or scrambled eggs (“an amazing breakfast!” chirped Ramsay in his cheer-squad voice) and of course no one could get it right. They can’t cook eggs?! At this point the next challenge should be “go home and serve your kids a PB&J.” We need to scale it back a little. These people are incompetent!
What can be said about delusional karate enthusiast Raj? Nothing he has ever said or done on Hell’s Kitchen has had anything to do with reality. This week, he tried to clear his head by sticking it in the refrigerator. He accused his teammates of harassment when they weren’t satisfied with his stemware-cleaning. During dinner service, he was EATING ALL THE FOOD. “How could Chef Ramsay blame me for eating this delicious food?” wondered Raj. “It’s fantastic.” He’s just got to be kidding, in general. As Trev pointed out, “You need to work with the tools you are given, and he just happens to be one of those tools.”
The women won the breakfast challenge and got to lunch poolside with Gordon Ramsay in Santa Monica. But first, they had to encase themselves in unwieldy harnesses and swing from a bar. Jillian was excited about trapeze school, probably because her tattooed-on eyebrows would have no chance of blowing right off. If I showed up for that reward to discover no pool/food in sight, I’d have been pissed! But the swanky lunch was worth it. Nona possibly bribed that waiter to spill champagne all over her so Ramsay could lovingly pat her down. Smart woman.
Dinner service was an even bigger disaster than Sabrina’s refusal to participate in prep. It was cocktail night and Trev and Sabrina were in charge, but we didn’t really hear about the cocktails again once we learned that “Trev and Sabrina have finally pleased James in the dining room.” Get out of the frame, James. You are no Jean-Philippe!
Emily couldn’t do anything right and showed a startling tendency to over-salt by ruining Jillian’s pasta. (How is someone allowed on this show who won’t taste her own food because she doesn’t like tomatoes? Is this a rhetorical question?) Jillian, the most intelligent contestant of the season, protested Ramsay’s comment that Melissa’s Dover sole was so overcooked on the bottom that it looked “like Ghandi’s flipflop” by insisting that that couldn’t be true because Ghandi, like, lived in the jungle. “I don’t think the dude even wore shoes.” Does she mean Tarzan? Dear lord.
NEXT: Raj can’t get his food — or his words — right.
Raj f—ed up royally, pre-cooking all the fish so that it would be “ready” by the time the orders were called out. What??? Ramsay completely freaked out on him and demanded he “run out to the customers and tell them that you f—ed it up.” And he refused! But then he did it. And the delusion ran wild! “Look at this. I’m a star!” Raj confessionalized. He soon realized the hungry customers actually hated him and so his feeling went from one of “elation” to one of “degration.” Degration is not a word!
When Ramsay eliminated Raj out of nowhere — he was on the winning team! — I laughed harder than I had at anything so far this week. I watch so much reality TV that I feel kind of numb to the insanity of it all. Even when crazy stuff happens, like Michael Bolton crawling out of a doghouse, my facial expressions tend to fall somewhere on the spectrum between reluctant delight and dulled horror. Not so tonight. This was amazing! I was cracking up so hard I think I even rocked back and forth. I definitely slapped both knees. Ah, this show.
Vinny, whom I may start calling The Predicament, called Gordon Ramsay his “bro.”
Next episode! The hits just keep coming. There was a rift in Team Red — Sabrina and Jillian vs. the people who don’t behave like immature cartoon characters. Jillian explained it all: “Just because you’re fat and ugly. That’s why they hate us.” Riiiiiight.
Ramsay kindly requested that everyone try not to smoke for 48 hours, but Trev and Gail couldn’t hack it. “I smoked. I’m human, I’m sorry,” said Gail. Hey, humans need smoke. It’s biology! Trev’s attempt to woo Gail was unsuccessful, perhaps due to his pessimistic phrasing. “You don’t want to make out a little bit?” Shockingly, no. Trev was craving any sort of acceptance after getting snubbed by his teammates during the “stunning ravioli” challenge. I’m with Rob: What a Debbie Downer!
Dinner service time. Jack Osbourne randomly in the house. Russell had the Blue Team off to a strong start, but then Louis sent over stone-cold salmon. “He’s a camp cook and he can’t grill a piece of salmon?” asked Russell. Over at Code Red, Melissa, who was on ravioli duty, failed to multiply three by three. Classic Ramsay: “You can’t even count to 9. You scare me.” I wonder if Louis ever learned to count. People who can’t count are terrifying.
Sabrina was running the grill, even though she’s never “really” cooked a pork chop. “Tonight is my night to put out or get out,” she told us. Yes. Please put out for us tonight, Sabrina. You’re sooooo hot. Wear your flamenco dancer outfit again.
Sabrina intentionally timed her cooking to screw over Gail, who ended up with crunchy pasta. Sabrina rejoiced in the confessional, cycling rapidly from sullen teen to gleeful maniac. “I’m not a team player. I’m one manipulative bitch. PORK COOKED PERFECTLY. Are you serious? No way!” Are you serious?
NEXT: Russell garrotes the concept of chivalry.
Same question goes to the guys. Suddenly Louis was walking around with a pork chop in his hand, Rob was enduring the “punishment” of eating his own burnt pizza with a wine glass full of water after Ramsay called him a “Chunky Monkey,” and Boris…Boris! Boris decided this might be a good time to clean up?! F—ing Boris! “What a muppet!” muttered Ramsay in disbelief.
The women, finished with service, trotted over to help the men. It was such a warm welcome! “I felt like slapping a bitch when the girls came over,” admitted chivalrous Russell. But they had to help; otherwise, a dessert marriage proposal at the VIP table “may not happen tonight.” Um, it shouldn’t happen at all! Who the f— proposes in Hell’s Kitchen? If someone proposed to me in Hell’s Kitchen, I’d dump him for having the gall to expect that we’d even receive dessert. Then I’d stomp over to Gordon Ramsay and punch him in the face. Just to see what the f— he’d do!
Both teams had to nominate two people for elimination because the teams were so weak. It was Louis and Boris for the guys, Melissa and Sabrina for the girls. Sabrina solidified her place as the least likable person on reality television (or at least among the shows I’m recapping) by pitching a fit after Nona had the gall to answer a question Gordon Ramsay had posed to Nona directly. “She didn’t nominate her, chef, I nominated her.” Since this twerp seems to require extra credit for everything she has ever accomplished, I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate her for her “little ghetto attitude,” crippling sense of entitlement, and being a huge f—ing bitch.
We gotta keep one delusional nutjob around for ratings, so with Raj long gone, Ramsay eliminated Louis the camp cook. Louis is now free to resume his role as the summer crush of thousands of adolescent campers (male and female) and stick his hand in the fryer upon request. “Kumbaya.”
Next week: Sabrina promises to make her teammates’ (?!?) lives “LITERALLY hell.”
Ramsay outburst to get you through the rest of the week: “WHERE’S THE F—ING PINEAPPLE?”
Thoughts on this week’s Hell’s Kitchen double-header? Leave ’em in the comments! And get out of my f—ing kitchen!
Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett