The Seattle Grace attendings get tipsy when Cristina takes a stab at tending bar

By Jennifer Armstrong
Updated November 19, 2010 at 01:11 PM EST
Adam Taylor/ABC

Grey's Anatomy

S7 E9
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Number of gratuitously shirtless hunks this episode: 2. (Go ahead, Jackson, suffer your more-silent-than-Cristina’s PTSD, as long as we can see your pecs!) Number of grants received: 1. (Congrats, Derek, you may now study Alzheimer’s.) Number of major-character residents suddenly on the night shift: All of them. Number of attendings getting drunk at the bar: All of them. Number of former residents now tending bar at Joe’s: 1. (Cristina, please never wear that cutoff jean jacket or fringey airbrushed T-shirt again.) Number of witty lines: Nearly uncountable, though we shall try to enumerate them and contextualize them here.

“I call this the Early-Onset Alzheimer’s because you won’t remember anything after you drink it.”

Yes, Cristina invented a really tasteless drink, apparently in more ways than one. And it was blue, like antifreeze.

“You’re married. You don’t get to have an opinion about my pathetic foray into Internet dating.” –Teddy, to Derek

Poor Teddy ended up at Joe’s after a date that lasted less than an hour, and that started with the guy asking, “What’s your favorite food?” Derek offered his keen insight: “That’s why you don’t meet people on the Internet.” (BTW, is this Internet-dating-hate from like 2003? Everyone meets online these days! Give the lady credit for getting out of damn Seattle Grace to meet someone. I sit here writing this recap next to the boyfriend I met online. So, okay, maybe I’m a little defensive. But still.) I have to say, I’ve come around on Teddy — I wasn’t sure about her at first, but now I like her, and I really want her to find someone. “Go to Africa,” she implored Callie, riffing on the unlikelihood of finding love like hers and Arizona’s again. Totally too bad Teddy’s not a lesbian. Those two could work well together.

Bailey had other things on her mind (like the patient she lost last week to a fistula), clearly, even as she slurred through her thoughts on online dating. “Is there a box for fistulas?” she asked of those “interests” boxes you check on dating profiles. “Because that’s what I want. A guy who can talk fistulas. … Find a man who’s interested in fistulas and pancreases and you’ll find a man who’s not Internet dating.”

“You ever have the tiramisu at Gina’s Trattoria? … Neither have I, because you dragged me away from my dinner to examine a kid with gas.” –Dr. Stark, to Meredith

The Worst Pediatric Surgeon in the World, a.k.a. Ally McBeal’s John Cage, was back to wreak more havoc this week, this time on a little boy with major abdominal pain after his chest surgery. Surely Stark knows that the minute you pitch this kind of fit, you’re going to be proven dead wrong by episode’s end. The fact that the kid’s mom was a nurse from a neighboring hospital really sealed the deal.

“How are we letting this happen? How are we okay with this?” –Teddy, watching Cristina tend bar

“I’m not okay with this,” Callie said, “I’m jealous.” Everyone was even more okay with Mark’s idea of a “sexual palate cleanser” (or “sexual sorbet,” as Bailey giggled under the influence of too much Early-Onset Alzheimer’s). Callie even went straight for a cute redhead in the back of the bar for just that purpose, only to find she liked only Callie’s haircut.

NEXT: Giving new, painful meaning to the expression “stuck like glue.”

Alex: “Try acetone.”

April: “Try going away.”

I like how the writers make even April’s dialogue a little immature and regressed. Suffice to say that our resident virgin is still smarting from their miserable failure of a hookup attempt last week. She was charged this week with separating a teenage couple who’d glued their arms and hands together in an attempt to stop his family from relocating to Wisconsin and figuratively tearing them apart, a perfect case for her still-teenager-like view of relationships. For the record, the acetone didn’t work (at least not by itself).

“No, this is not your dude. This is Chief Webber.”

Mrs. McNeil, the nurse/mom of the suffering pediatric patient, finally got fed up with the poor service and called the Chief himself in the middle of the night, which did not please the Chief. However, we learned that having your local Chief’s number in your cell is really handy, because he will come in and make folks in the labs come in to get stuff done. Even if, you know, they were expecting slightly different calls at that hour.

Naturally, it turned out the kid really did have something serious going on: a perforated ulcer. With Stark not answering his phone, Alex and Meredith decided to prep him for surgery anyway. “Not only can I do it,” Alex said, “I can do it better than Stark.”

Kid Glued to His Girlfriend: “I feel nothing but pain right now.”

Kid’s Dad: “Me too.”

With the acetone a non-starter, April was thrilled to see Dr. Bailey come in — until it became clear Bailey was more than tipsy, and just coming in to sleep it off. Still, she had some words of wisdom: “Don’t separate them. Young people need love too. … If the world had more love, we could get rid of wars and fistulas.” Perhaps not factually accurate, but a nice thought.

“My aspirational couple has broken up and they’re living on two separate continents.” –Teddy, on one of many reasons for her drunken depression

Also: “Because I’m dating men who still live with their mother. But they don’t admit that on their profiles, they wait. They wait until I’ve spent an hour applying my makeup and driving across town, and then they tell me that small little detail.” And also: “My star student is mixing Irish Car Bombs for a bachelor party.”

Mark: “If that were a lesbian bar you would’ve been up to your ears in …”

Callie: “Don’t say vagina.”

Yes, don’t, because then it would remind her that she’s into chicks now, and would stop the super-hot heterosexual liaison about to happen here between the BFFs after she utters the magic words, “I want sorbet.” I love Arizona and Callie together, but I don’t mind Mark and Callie, either, I must admit. Nothing like getting loving from a guy who used to teach you how to give oral sex to women. On you.

“Ooh, it’s the O.R.” –Drunk Bailey, seeing her cell phone ring

Alex and Meredith tried to call Bailey since Stark wasn’t responding, but that didn’t go so well. All Bailey wanted was to call Ben. (Apparently she hadn’t seen the promos during commercial breaks for his new show, Off the Map.) “I’m gonna call him and tell him I have needs,” she slurred to April. “Because he understood how to take care of my needs in a way that my husband did not.” Then, after telling April she knew about the whole virginity thing, she offered some advice: “Alex Karev is not the boy you want to take your maiden voyage with.” Nothing is a secret in this hospital.

She continued: “You will meet your own Ben. Not my Ben. Your own Ben, who may or may not be called Ben. Use soap and water.”

April: “On my maiden voyage?”

Bailey: “On the superglue.”

Oh, Bailey, on top of it even when on the verge of blacking out.

NEXT: One of the most demonstrative, painful breakdowns from a patient’s family in Grey’s history.

“He lived because of me. I call that a pretty great night. So what’s your problem?” –Avery to Lexie, when she told him he could talk to her about his PTSD

The duo, who have been a little flirty-flirty in recent weeks, worked together under Hunt on two teenaged brothers who were in the car end of a very bad car-versus-train accident as they tried to beat the signal. The brother who was in the passenger seat was thrown out because he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, and arrived so mangled he didn’t even make it to the O.R. The brother who was driving suffered a massive gaping wound to his abdomen, with detritus from the steering column lodged inside him. As Lexie updated the parents on their living son as well as their other son’s death, they had, remarkably, one of the most demonstrative, painful breakdowns I’ve ever seen on Grey’s. With all the emotional cases, we rarely see that somehow.

Avery, as he operated, looked like he was going to have his own breakdown, but instead pulled it together and saved the kid. And before Lexie went to talk to his parents about the possible complications to watch for post-surgery, Jackson offered her this not-so-veiled advice: “Every time he feels glad to be alive, he’ll hate himself for it. Just tell him to look out for that. He won’t want to talk about it, but he’ll be glad they know.”

“If she’s gonna act like a stripper, I’m gonna act like a bouncer.” –Derek, on watching over Cristina as she, um, flirted and drank with the bachelor party

Joe had fired her for drinking on the job three hours earlier, and yet she persisted. Owen showed up after his surgery, just as she basically gave one of the bachelor party guys a lapdance. “Oh my God, it’s my boyfriend,” she cried. But instead of the kind of blowup you’d normally expect from a melodrama, Owen showed why I like Grey’s — and this couple in particular — when he calmly reminded her that he’s her husband, scooped her up, carried her home, and then held her hair back as she vomited in the toilet.

“I thought it would be me and Cristina.” –Alex and Meredith, on which two of their intern class they thought would be left standing

A nice ending, as they calmly, smugly listened to Stark chastise them for successfully completing his patient’s life-saving surgery and the Chief gave them an approving smile from outside the room. And a nostalgic nod to their fallen and disappeared comrades, George and Izzie.

What did you think, Grey’s watchers? Was there enough gratuitous shirtlessness for you? Will Teddy find love? Will Cristina be back at her real job soon? Will we see Arizona again? And/or will Callie and Mark get serious?

WHEN YOU’RE OUT TO DINNER WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY, DOES THE CONVERSATION INEVITABLY TURN TO TELEVISION? Then our TV Insiders podcast is tailor-made for you! In this week’s edition, Annie Barrett, Dalton Ross, and Michael Slezak discuss the shocking final three on Dancing With the Stars (and interview brutally candid eliminated pro Maksim Chmerkovskiy), dish the season’s best episode of Survivor (and interview master strategist Brenda Lowe), and sit down with EW’s resident Grey’s Anatomy recapper Jennifer Armstrong to discuss the medical drama’s creative resurgence. Click here to download the TV Insiders podcast to your MP3 player, or listen to an embedded version below!

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Meredith. Alex. Bailey. The doctors are definitely in on Shonda Rhimes' hospital melodrama.

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