Meredith and Derek struggle to start a family as an unexpected pregnancy rocks another couple.
Greys Anatomy
Credit: Danny Feld/ABC

Tonight’s theme? Inappropriate relationships. Kind-of amazing that it took them seven seasons to address that, isn’t it? In any case, let’s look at the major developments in the vast number of inappropriate relationships among our favorite lusty TV docs:

Derek & Meredith

Remember, they used to be so totally inappropriate! So inappropriate she lost her black panties on the floor when they had sex in one of the hospital rooms and then it was this whole big deal! Ah, how far we’ve come. Now she’s appropriately desperate to appropriately have his in-wedlock baby, and she’s freaking out that it’s not happening immediately. (Sweetheart, you’re in your, ahem, late 30s. What did you expect? You’re a doctor. You should know these things.) As she whined that her pregnancy test came back negative that morning, Cristina’s advice was succinct: “Pee on a bunch of sticks. Don’t let the one stick win.” Clearly no one here is in obstetrics, that’s for sure.

The exchange that made me look forward to the concept of Meredith as a mom? Cristina: “You think peeing is exhausting? Wait until you have a mewling, poo-covered baby hanging off your boobs 24/7.” Meredith: “Why is my baby gonna be poo-covered?”

Alex & Ashleigh from Greek

Today, in addition to discussing the inappropriateness of relationships, we will also be referring to a lot of guest stars by the characters they have played in the past that we love so dearly we cannot let go of them. First up is Ashleigh from Greek, played by the stunning Amber Stevens (an EW office crush who we’d cast in anything if we ruled the pop culture world) — seen here as one of the naïve med students visiting the hospital on a bit of a field trip for the day. She got paired off with Karev, who crushed on her as much as EW does. She clearly reciprocated. “You were that guy on Seattle Med, right?” she asked. (Love the throwback to the documentary episode.) “The one who made a trachea from scratch? … Badass. I’m really interested in regenerative medicine.” He, of course, was more than happy to teach her everything he could. And as it turned out, this was auspicious for the lately-suffering Alex on two levels: Not only did it give him an edge in the race for chief resident — the rest of the residents were snotty to their med-student charges, and the Chief was watching them closely — but Ashleigh from Greek also ended up pantsless in his apartment later. That, friends, is the definition of a win-win.

NEXT: It’s Noel from Felicity: He needed insurance. And had pretty eyes.

Teddy & Noel Crane from Felicity

I’m giving Scott Foley a break from being called Scott Foley here this week; for consistency’s sake, we’ll call him Noel from Felicity. (Maybe if he sticks around another episode or two, I’ll learn his Grey’s Anatomy character’s name. I hope he does. For Teddy’s sake.) Noel, if you’ll recall, is suffering from the quite serious Von Hippel-Lindau disease. (If you’re interested, you can also learn more about this little-known genetic disorder at this support-group page. Thanks to reader Ariel Reinish, whose family has dealt with its devastating effects, for the links.) Bailey, Hot Nurse Eli, the Chief, Cristina, and a dorky med student were all on hand to find out that Teddy married him to give him insurance. This did not go over well with The Chief.

Cristina had no interest in helping her dorky med student until the Chief scolded, “Empathy is a good quality for a chief resident, don’t you think?” Nonetheless, together they identified that Noel had a tumor on his adrenal gland that also compromised his kidney, so they’d have to remove his kidney — not good news. He wanted to consult Teddy on this — you know, because she’s his wife and stuff. This really did not go over well with the Chief, who chastised her for the inappropriate relationship. And thus she got to deliver the defining line of the night/entire series: “You wanna talk to me about inappropriate relationships? Everywhere I look in this hospital there are inappropriate relationships.” Eli chimed in, “Dr. Bailey’s dating a nurse. Taking full advantage.” We were all happy for Bailey. (Even more so when he later said to her, “You wanna be dirty with me? Show me those on call rooms you doctors are always having sex in?” And then planted a major kiss on her. “He is inappropriate,” she later told Teddy. “But I am gonna go with it. Because why not? That’s my attitude these days. Why the hell not?”)

But in surgery, things for Noel took a turn for the worse. A cyst on his pancreas was in danger of rupturing, which presented the option of removing most of the organ, which would make him diabetic. The Chief called on Teddy to make the decision, but she had no idea what he’d want. “You signed a marriage license and you haven’t asked him the basic questions about how he wants to live or die?” the Chief asked. Well, yeah. He’s Noel. And he needed insurance. And he has pretty eyes.

Once Noel had woken up, she indicated strongly that she wasn’t thrilled to be his wife and his emergency contact person. (It’s good to have boundaries. Wife? Sure! Emergency contact? Hold on there, buddy.) He told a super-sad story about losing his parents and all his friends and not being able to have a job because of his illness. “It’s not my intention to make you feel sorry for me,” he said. “It’s my intention to apologize and explain that in this city, you’re the closest thing I have to a friend.”

NEXT: “I wanted it to feel like that, not like some trip to the DMV.”

Arizona & Callie (& Mark)

Callie still wanted nothing to do with Arizona, though it looked at first as if their respective medical cases might bring them closer together. Callie was handling a man who came in with injuries from being trampled by a horse — on his way to sign his domestic partnership papers with his boyfriend, Rickie from My So-Called Life! That is, Wilson Cruz, who looks fantastic, doesn’t he? Even (especially) in a kilt, which they were wearing for the ceremony, which they were on their way to in a horse-drawn carriage. This has to be one of my favorite Grey’s medical cases, just for that sentence alone. “He really likes being Scottish!” Rickie offered by way of explaining the kilts. When Callie ordered him out of the room, he took it as a personal affront to his rights as a (soon-to-be) domestic partner, though surely she didn’t mean it that way.

Surgery, however, went well, and Rickie’s partner was soon stabilized. And Rickie got to deliver a touching speech about domestic partnership and why he wanted to make a big romantic deal out of it. “Call me crazy,” he told Callie, “but I just wanted the big day everyone else gets. … He’s the best thing that ever happened to me, and I wanted it to feel like that, not like some trip to the DMV.”

Meanwhile, Arizona and Mark were working together on a girl who was born with a rare genetic condition in which she had no cheekbones. Mark wanted to perform an experimental stem-cell surgery using cadaver bone grafts, which would cut a year off the girl’s healing time and allow her to pursue her volleyball dreams. Arizona thought it was too risky, proving she had no idea what this hospital is capable of. They execute totally rare and impossible surgeries every week! So, with the help of April and her cute bald med student, Mark put together a presentation comparing the two surgeries, complete with permanent-marker illustrations on the bald guy’s head. (In his defense, he did apologize.)

When Callie demanded Arizona get her stuff out of the apartment, this seemed to snap Arizona into self-examination mode and see that she was being cranky and stubborn about the experimental surgery. They would do it Mark’s way. The little girl convinced her parents it was a good idea by giving a speech about how it would make her happier and less prone to eating disorders and drug addiction. (Note to kids: If you ever want anything in life, tell your parents this. I bet it would work.)

I thought, in the end, that Callie would learn from Rickie that domestic partnership is awesome and important and so is love, and Arizona would learn that she shouldn’t give up on things or should give things a chance or should be more flexible or whatever, and they would reunite. Hmm, not quite.

As Arizona speechified to Callie in the elevator about how she knows she bails but she won’t do it anymore and she was an Army brat so maybe that’s why and some other psychoanalysis stuff, Callie dropped this on us: “You want another chance? Today I found out that I’m pregnant. With Mark’s baby. How about now?”

So, yeah. There’s that.

What did you think, Grey’s watchers? Will Derek and Meredith ever get pregnant? Will Ashleigh from Greek stick around for more pantsless nights with Alex? (And did she notice that her “Hotness Monster” from Greek – a.k.a. Avery — is now working at Seattle Grace?) Will Teddy and Noel stay married? Will Arizona and Callie get back together despite the baby on the way?

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Grey's Anatomy

Meredith. Alex. Bailey. The doctors are definitely in on Shonda Rhimes' hospital melodrama.

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