Grey's Anatomy recap: Time to Grow Up

Feels so long since the last Grey’s Anatomy sped us through all the holidays, doesn’t it? (For the record, it really has been kinda long. Two months.) And, naturally, as a New Year’s gift, the Grey’s gods tricked us into watching Private Practice, too. I mean, they gifted us with not one, but two, hours of fine television. Optimism for 2010.

And while the return of our favorite oversexed surgeons was wobbly, it had its moments — and was characteristically chock full of quotable moments:

”That is not how you bond with children.” — Addison, upon hearing that Mark connected with his newly discovered pregnant teen daughter by telling her they’d slept together

Conveniently enough, Sloan’s daughter’s baby had amniotic bands wrapped around his legs in utero, and naturally the only person who could fix this was Addison Montgomery of Private Practice. So she flew up from L.A. to help. And to suddenly be reminded of her affair with Mark, which hasn’t come up in any significant way in seasons.

”Let me scrub in and I will take you out for drinks afterwards… and, you know.” — Reed to Alex, with suggestive, pleading, flirty big brown eyes

This became debated and dissected as if she were on trial, though I’m not sure I cared as much as the Seattle Gracers did. It did make onetime party girl Meredith seem really mature and judgy (which I kinda like) that she was rolling her eyes upon overhearing this and later castigating them both for it. Part of this was just to remind us that Izzie’s still buzzing around somewhere in the Grey’s universe and reserving Katherine Heigl’s right to return after maternity leave. But it also brought the message of maturity home. Alex, however, dispatched Meredith’s disapproval with a swift verbal kick: ”You gonna look me in the eye and tell me Derek never threw a craniotomy your way after the two of you spent an hour in the on-call room? Please.” And … the old Alex was back. In a sort-of anticlimactic resolution to all of this, he later told Reed, ”I don’t trade surgery for sex. If you want sex, ask for it.” Charlie (the other newbie, who has a crush on her) scoffed at her, thinking there was still something going on between her and Alex, and she scoffed back, and I didn’t care much. Has importing these Mercy Westers really been worth it in the long run? And where was Dr. Hotness Monster this week, anyway? Remember when he had a crush on Cristina for like five minutes that threatened to derail her relationship with Owen? Where’d that go?

NEXT: Bailey drops the hammer on an unsuspecting innocent

”I’m in the middle of a divorce. People call me the Nazi, and it’s not because of my ice blue eyes. I spend 12 hours a day carving people up, and I like it. I have a child and I have no room for casual anything. I’m angry all the time. … You want lunch, or you wanna show me the scan?” — Bailey, when Derek tried to set her up on a lunch date with a radiologist

Love when Derek tries to be wacky fun Derek. With no miracle brain surgeries to perform this week, he took to playing cupid for one of the few unattached doctors, Bailey. (It’s like these people don’t even understand the concept of unattached. Let the woman mourn her months-old separation, people.) He seemed so proud of himself, though, as he introduced Rob the Radiologist to her. She, of course, unleashed a Bailey Monologue on the poor guy, though, and he scurried away with his CT scan. It will take a special man to handle this lady. But his name is not Sheldon, despite her attempts to pretend she just really wanted to handle that formerly-yellow patient’s case because she was crushing on him. (She was covering for the chief, who can’t seem to handle surgery anymore since screwing up poor Sheldon’s.) ”I have a thing for him,” she told Derek. ”He caught my eye. I can’t put my finger on what it is exactly.” And she continued to deny the chief’s problem even as Derek pressed her: ”It is not my job to get involved in his personal life just like it is not your job to get involved in mine.” It just cracks me up whenever anyone in this hospital says stuff like this without a tinge of self-awareness.

”Why don’t you shut up long enough to watch your friend tank her valve?” — Reed to Meredith, watching from the gallery as Cristina performed a solo valve replacement

Cynthia Stevenson of Hope & Gloria fame (is ”fame too strong a word here? Not in my world) played an indecisive patient who needed a new heart valve but was vacillating among the options: mechanical, pig, commercial? I hate to beat a dead horse, cow, pig, or mechanical something here, but this represents exactly where this show is breaking down lately: Her indecision lacked a point beyond filling some space before it was time to do the operation. It served only to marginally inconvenience Cristina until her big moment, with no greater dramatic or metaphorical good served. Old Grey’s would’ve made it count more. At any rate, she chose the pork. So into surgery we went. And it turned out Teddy meant it when she said Cristina could go it alone; Cristina’s new mentor stood idly by, reading Atlantic Monthly (nice to see an old-school intellectual publication getting a shout out!), even while Hope appeared to be crashing. But, yes, Cristina pulled through like the cardio mini-goddess we know her to be, and even snapped at Owen when he tried to come in and intervene. (”Dr. Hunt, you are blowing my concentration. Now get out of my OR!”)

NEXT: Cristina gets to the heart of what she wants

”I can’t believe I’m taking out the best quarterback Seattle’s ever seen.” — Callie, doing a knee replacement on a football star

He had a panic attack when Derek at first told him — and this was the twist — that he would play again after a minor surgery. Turned out he was scared to play now that he had a son; getting hit on the field scared him in a way it never used to. Derek, ever helpful this week, found a way to stop him from playing: by giving him a not-quite-necessary knee replacement.

”Yeah, I’ll choose her.” — Mark to Lexie, on whether he’d pick her or his daughter if forced to

When Addison tried to work her surgery magic on Sloan (the pregnant daughter, not Mark), Mark freaked out when she hit a snag: engorged arteries that she had a 5 percent chance of nicking. He freaked out so much that he sent Addison back to L.A. without completing the operation. He was mirroring the quarterback; he, too, had become a father who cared more about his kid than anything. I couldn’t believe Addison went home, just like that, but, then again, that forced us to follow her there the next hour. The bombshell of sorts, though, came when Mark impulsively invited Sloan to move in with him and Lexie permanently while raising the baby — and Lexie balked, thus forcing him to choose. ”I think our relationship just ended,” Lexie said. And that was that. Fair enough. She’s young. She’s hot. She chopped off her fingertip in a previous episode when Sloan moved in just temporarily. She … oops, got busy with Alex to, um, ”celebrate” her newfound freedom. That’s not going to go over without repercussions.

”Fine, then take him.” — Cristina, upon hearing that Teddy wanted Owen

In a scene only Sandra Oh could pull off, Cristina — devastated by the thought of losing not only just another mentor, but the one who made her feel ”alive” again by believing in her so much — pleaded with Teddy to stay. She pleaded so hard that she forced out of her why she was going. ”I want Owen.” And that was that. Knowing that Kim Raver is sticking around Seattle Grace, things should get interesting.

And speaking of interesting … Thanks, Private Practice crossover, for giving us totally naked Mark (it’s been too long), office sex between him and Addison (they really are hot together), and Mark making a wine-fueled plea to either join the Practice cast (he could learn to surf!) or get his own wacky spinoff (a ladies man and his vapid long-lost daughter raise her son together … important lessons and wackiness ensue!).

What did you think, Grey’s Watchers? Did you stick with it through Private Practice? What did you think of Alex, Mark, and Lexie’s indiscretions? Should we ship the new docs back to (the now non-existent) Mercy West? With whom should Miranda find post-divorce love?